Flaws

Day 85:  I love a broken man.

I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.

He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.

I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.

I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.

Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.

But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.

I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.

I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.

He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".

I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.

I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.

280 days. We all have flaws.