Day 83: Well, I couldn't post last night. Something was wrong with the site.
I was hurting though. I emotionally crashed.
My husband caught me, but barely. It was bad. I yelled at him a few times and almost left to go to the grocery store while I was angry (something that is not ok in our marriage). The only thing that stopped me from going was that I took too long to get out the door and I was afraid that the baby would wake up hungry before I got back. So I stayed and we worked through it. All I can hope from yesterday is that he learned a lot.
I know he is trying but he still has a hard time seeing when I am having a bad day. I suppose it is because I don't have too many of them so they catch him by surprise a bit.
I was in so much pain last night and we were chatting. He was telling me some amazing things that I intended to blog yesterday so that I could go back and read them but...
I'm going to do my best to remember what he said.
He told me that I am enough and I always have been. That he is the one that messed up. He said he humbly likens himself to David. He had all that he could ever want in God but went out and tried everything under the sun to make himself happy. In the end he realized that God was all he needed. He said that he is so sorry and regretful that he didn't see what he had before.
I wish I could rewrite the prayer that he sent over to me also. It was beautiful.
I know that we are getting somewhere and we are healing with each new step that we take. It just takes time and time...time, when it is all you can count on to bring healing, well, it just takes too long.
Day 84: Today is my husband's birthday. We are 2 months and 18 days apart. Born the same year. Today we celebrated with cheesecake for breakfast, some sweet handmade cards from the babies, and a mellow day. He has a Bible on the way -- the only gift that he mentioned leading up to Christmas (I often phish for gift ideas for Christmas and then wait to buy them for his birthday so he thinks I forgot!). He has one coming from our sweet friend who is cheering us on from the other side of the country.
I thought about a big day for him. I thought about going over the top, but I think a calm, quiet day was just perfect. When he was leaving for work he kissed me and said that the day was good (or nice or something simple and pleasant like that). Inside I started to argue that it was too simple but then I saw the look in his eyes. The look that says it all. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for giving me the best gift that I will ever receive. Thank you.
281 days.
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