Day 92: I'm hurting. Really hurting. All the pain is rushing back at an overwhelming pace. I can't take it all right now. I'm tired and worn out. I need a break. I don't know how to process all of this. I can't go at this speed right now. It's taking me under. It's consuming me. I can't run fast enough.
I'm sad and lonely and devastated. My heart is broken and my soul is crushed.
How could this have happened? Why didn't I realize what was going on? It lasted for years. Everything that I look back on is tainted. EVERYTHING. I can't get away from it.
I somehow have to figure out how to sort this all out and then cope with it. I don't know how though. I'm forever changed and I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't know how to be strong anymore. I don't know how to fight when all I want to do is give up. It's so hard. It's so, so, SO hard. It hurts more than anything.
My chest aches. My stomach is in knots.
He's bending over backwards and I am still empty. I'm falling apart.
273 days. "God just hold me. God just catch me."
I've been following your blog and am also a betrayed wife, though a bit older than you.
ReplyDeleteHang on in there, my dear. Things will slowly get better for you.
Even though things may seem bleak, you can recover from this - given time and a truly remorseful husband, which he seems to be.
I am sooooo sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately, this roller coaster you are on will last for a long time yet. Hang on during these times, pray, talk to your husband, and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt will get better, but I'm afraid it takes a long time. My chest still aches -- just not constantly now.
I am going through a rough spot too. At church, I remembered our pastor telling us that God wants our marriage to work. I held onto those words for a long time, but I've let them go a bit for awhile. I also know that God never gives me more than I can handle. He's there with us as we walk this path.
Sending you hugs tonight. I hope the roller coaster moves in the other direction soon for you.
I have been following your blog for a few weeks now. I am a betrayed wife as well. Almost 8 months ago, I found out about his 6 month affair with a female co-worker that occured 3 years ago while he served in Iraq. He was supposed to be fighting a war but instead was screwing around in his down time! The sad thing is he only had 3 months left over there when this affair started!
ReplyDeleteThe big thing we have in common is that my husband is also very remorseful just as yours is. He is a completely different person (thanks to God alone) because of my discovery of the affair. He said he was relieved that I found out about the affair while cleaning out old cell phone records. He said he was tired of living with the guilt and it was practically eating him alive...Yeah right, whatever! Had I not found the records would he have ever told me...I don't think so, he was too scared to ever come clean for fear that I would leave him....well Karma came around! He has admitted in detail everything that happened as suggested by his counselor.
We both have turned to the Lord for our healing of this marriage. He seems to be a little more spirit filled than me at the moment. We both attend church for the first time in our 10 years of marriage. He sought pastoral counseling at a mutual friends church and we have since became members. He is also an active member in the men's ministry. We started attending church after I discovered the affair. I can sincerely say God is the reason I am still with my husband today. If God had not used this trial to send us seeking him we would not be together at this time.
Although something good has came as a result of the discovery of the the affair, I still just feel so angry,confused and lost. I have most of the same feelings that you have described on a day to day basis. I write this and I feel so much pain, just literally numb...he is really trying but I just can't let it go. I truly know how you feel I am feeling it too.
I pray for you to find peace when you need it. I have to believe that it will get better for us both... like everyone says it is going to take a long time, I just wish we could see the light at the end of the tunnel today. ~God bless you.