Alone

Day 91: "Some of the most exciting things as a kid were the ones that I was not normally allowed to do." YIKES!

That is what my husband said to me today during a series of spirited conversations about an unrelated conversation about him and our son.

This brings back all of the feelings of inadequacy. I cannot compete with this. I cannot compete with new and different and forbidden. I cannot.

 I don't even know what to say. He recognized that he uncovered this truth today. He says he is going to dig into it. He wants to fix himself.

I'm just tired. I'm running on fumes lately...

I love him. I really love him. I'm still here. I'm still trying to heal. I'm still working on this but I am so darn tired. When will this get better? When will this not be so hard? When will I get a break from all of this?

Last night I was laying in bed. The house was quiet. My husband was on one side of me sleeping, my baby on the other. I lay there and I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only one awake on the whole earth. It was a really empty and lonely feeling. Good thing I was exhausted and fell asleep within minutes.

Why do I feel like that though? Why, when I am, literally, surrounded by the people that I love, do I feel so alone?

My heart hurts. My tears come so easy and often these days. My soul aches.

I want a different life. I want my old life. I want it all back. I know it was all messed up...but in my head it wasn't.

He's trying, I can tell, but something is not working. There is still something missing. Maybe it is that something that we will never have again. The innocence. The purity. The security.

274 days. Part of "the why" was discovered today.