Day 86: Friday night was terrible. We were up chatting and it turned into a big argument. I got angry (ANGRY). Angry like I haven't been in a long time and certainly not since I found out about the affairs. I told him to go away from me and he wouldn't. It got bad. I was crying and yelling and fighting with all of me not to lose all control. He finally walked out of the room and when he came back in I was fine for a minute until he said something else that sent me right back over the edge and I again told him to leave me alone. When he came back again he finally had some sense to tread lightly and try to get things under control. After a lot of talking I came around and let him come over and hug me. We smoothed things over and finally went to bed...at 4am.
Morning was there before I knew it. It felt like I closed my eyes and opened them back up. I woke up in an ok mood but still raw from the night before. I was busy trying to make a grocery list because I had been planning a surprise birthday lunch for him with his sister and mom at our house and I was cooking. My SIL called to say that our niece was sick and she wanted to reschedule. He ended up figuring out what was going on and somewhere in the midst of us discussing all of that things went south again -- in a hurry.
I got mad but I was determined to get to the grocery store still since I have been putting it off and we really needed a bunch. I was about to leave but I was still upset so he grabbed the keys and told me I couldn't go while I was upset. Said, that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to me and I had left angry. That, even I said, that this was not ok in our marriage. (This is true but I have changed and my resolve is not what it used to be. It saddens me but it's the truth.) It all sent me spiraling... I cannot stand to feel trapped. It turns me crazy in an instant. I started yelling at him and telling him to give me the keys. That it was over (our marriage) if he did not let me go to the grocery store. On and on it went until he finally gave in.
I left without kissing him and went to the grocery store. I got there went in and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I could have spit nails. So back home I went. I didn't say much to him when I got there. I still hadn't really cooled off and I was now mad at myself for sabotaging my grocery trip -- I didn't have it in me to go back out even though the store is less than 10 minutes away.
The whole day sucked. He was in a bad mood. I was in a horrible mood. He was hardly trying to comfort me. Late into the evening he finally came out to talk to me (after I had asked him like three times if he was going to). I told him that I had no hope that we were going to make it through this. That he cannot handle me being angry. He finally realized, and admitted, that he had overlooked that my anger was spilling out over something unrelated but that it was a product of his cheating. He apologized. I gave him very little in return. I would not commit to anything. Acknowledge much. Offer anything.
I hate this. I hate who this makes me. I hate what this has done to me. I hate that I mean those hurtful things when I say them.
I have things to work on. Later I finally found some courage to beg God to help me. Help me continue to work on our marriage. In those moments (of anger mostly) it is SO hard to see that I really do want this.
I want this. I want our marriage. I want him. I want our love. I want to heal -- with him. I want to be happy.
Day 87: I took the baby and went grocery shopping. I had planned to be angry today (just to give him some more practice -- I realize how that sounds but I am afraid of a repeat) but I just wasn't. I was oddly at peace.
The store was crazy crowded but I got it all done and got back home. He unloaded all of the groceries from the car for me (always does) and we were busy trying to get ready for our company.
The day was nice. He was affectionate. I can't say that I was super welcoming but I wasn't bothered by it. We had a really fun dinner and night with our family and then we put the babies to bed and settled in to watch a movie.
We ended up spending a bunch of time researching about our endeavor to move to Hawaii and by the time the movie got started I just could not stay awake. I woke a few times to him cracking up and it really warmed my heart. He's a funny guy -- one of his very best qualities -- and he's always cracking jokes and laughing and giggling but his laugh last night was relaxed (and it made me happy).
Day 88: So where are we? We had a tumultuous weekend. Up and down and back up. We are still fighting for this though. We made it through the weekend. Through the pain. Through another hard time. I think he took some things away from the weekend. I think he added to his tools.
We got such a lovely surprise today. Our friend (from across the country) sent us some really sweet gifts. We are so blessed. She really helped our day stay on track today. God never ceases to amaze me. In my deepest sadness He sent her to me. She is an angel. She reached out to me and gave me the shoulder that I needed. I have no one in my life that I can tell. No one that "gets me" -- even though some people I love have been cheated on -- but she does. She is incredible. She always has the right words. She always picks up on things that seem forgettable and makes them timeless. She is rooting for us. She believes in us. She points out wonderful things about my husband and helps me to see the good.
We are going to spend a quiet evening together. I think we need some time to recoup. I woke up with a terrible headache and it took a lot away from our morning but he persevered and I noticed it. I can't wait to see him when he gets home in a few minutes.
277 days. I love my husband.
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