Crazy Notion

Day 79: Saturday I triggered worse than I have in a LONG time. It was bad but my husband held me and held me and held me as I cried and we worked through it. Every time he pulls me close another piece of me heals.

It was a reality check at how far I still have to go. How not ok I still am.

On another hand...what a weekend. Well, I'm nuts, always have been, and my heart belongs to Hawaii. So, late last week I got this crazy notion to take the money that we are getting for the van and move back to Hawaii. I said something to my husband and he got that, "oh no!" look on his face. We talked it over for the night and into the next day and kinda left it at letting it work itself out if it will. This will be our third serious attempt at this. We have been ready to leave it all behind twice before but other things have come up and we have put it aside.

I'm excited. This weekend we decided that if a job falls into place for my husband that we are going to do it.

We need to. It is where we want to be. It is where we belong.

Day 80: Another day stuck at home but we are doing our best to make the most of it. We ended the day by watching the movie Fireproof. It was a movie that I saw recommended on an infidelity forum. I didn't really know what it was about but it did hit some major cords with us.

He borrowed a line from the movie and said, "Welcome to the new normal." Then went on to say that this is the new normal that we are living in. The way things are now are certainly welcomed and noticed but a bit scary to cling to at times for fear that they may all be taken from me. I try not the let that stop me from embracing them though. He said that he'll be in the new normal waiting for me whenever I am ready. I think I'm ready. I think I live there most of the time. It is just the bad moments when I draw back...

Still learning to lean on him when it's hard to do.

I think I always knew that marriage was fragile. I can remember having conversations with my husband about keeping our minds guarded in order to insure that our hearts were guarded. Looking back I realize that it was too late for him, but it is always something that I have been aware of.

Since finding out about his affairs I still have kept my thoughts guarded. There was certainly time when I thought about the babies and I being on our own. When I thought about what life would be like without my husband and their Daddy. What the future would look like if I walked away but other than that my thoughts have remained pure.

I still think the world of my (broken) husband. He is still that only one that I want. He is still the one that I want to make happy. He is still the one that I love and cherish and need.

Day 81: I had the most horrible dream last night. I've been plagued with bad dreams since shortly after I found out about everything but this one was, by far, the worst. It was totally related to the affairs and our life now. My husband just held me and comforted me and told me that I was safe. After we got up for the day, he held me again and told me that he is never leaving. That he is here and will be here.

The day was cruising right along until I heard that someone else in our circle of friends and family is facing divorce because of infidelity. This is the third couple in less than three months, not counting us. What is happening? I feel like I cannot get away from it. I feel like it is closing in around me. It hurts. It just rips into me. I cannot believe it. Why?!?! Why? Why? Why?

I managed to clear my head once my husband left for work and not let it totally ruin my day. I instead worked on a gift for my husband's birthday that is on Thursday and focused on making him happy.

I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and his response was, "I have everything I want."

Well, he will be getting a Bible (something that he mentioned) and something else that I am working on.

284 days. This year is off to a good start.