This morning my husband let me sleep in which was so good for my quality of life today. A week ago right now I was sitting here, much like now, on the computer, killing time until he came home. Little did I know what was going to happen when he did. I still wish I could rewind and go back to the moments before my world fell apart. Wish that I could have that life back...but I can't. I never will have that life again. Never again not have the knowledge that I have now. Never again be blissfully unaware of this pain that is now a part of me.
Our day consisted of going for a drive just to enjoy the beauty of the fall. The leaves have all mostly turned and it is just a wonderful sight to see. Driving around has always been one of my favorite things. We always talk and enjoy being out of the house without having to chase any little ones around. Driving this last week though has meant more tears. More time to talk about our life and the mistakes that have been made. More time to reflect on what is going to become of us.
Today was no different. Lots of questions and answers and tears and sadness.
My husband did say something to me today that I am holding on to. After telling him how scared I am (for the umpteenth time) he said that he has no doubts. No doubts that we are going to make it. He also, in no uncertain terms, told me that he is ready to be everything that I need. He is ready to help me heal, no matter what it takes. He is ready to be who I deserve. It's not the first time he has said these things but for some reason today I think I may have actually let myself believe in those words a little bit.
He also told me that he never stopped loving me. I think it would be easier to understand all of this if he had. I just cannot wrap my head around hurting someone you love in this way. I want answers but he doesn't even have them. He says that he is determined to find out what caused all of his actions so that he can better help me get the answers that I need.
After he left for work and it was just the babies and me I got to work on being in a better mood today. Not crying in front of them and not raising my voice. We were cruising right along until my little man asked me when I was not going to be sad anymore. My resolve to not cry nearly went out the window but I know that he needs me to be strong (even though he doesn't realize it). I somehow managed to take a few deep breaths and choke back the tears that were about to spill out. I told him "in a little bit" and we moved on. I hate not being totally honest and telling him that I have no idea but he is too young to understand all of this and it really breaks my heart that he knows something is wrong.
We ended up having quite a good evening but both my little man and baby girl were more than ready to go to sleep over an hour before bedtime and my tiny new babe was also being fussy. So I decided it was a good night to put a movie on and for everybody to snuggle up on the couch.
Just as we were getting into the good part of the movie my husband came home for a surprise visit on his "lunch" break (more like dinner since he works second shift). It really was nice. That is the first time he has come home to see us for his break and it was really good for my spirits. I like these kind of surprises.
Overall I would say that today was a good day, relatively speaking. My pain is still at an excruciatingly high level and my heart still feels like it's been ripped from my chest but I have a tiny bit of real hope today. That, in and of itself, is scary because that means there is a tiny part of me that is starting to trust him again and that means that I risk being hurt again. I'd like to think that I believe it is worth it.
On Risk
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Chained by his certitudes, he's a slave, he's forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.
I want to be free again. Free to be loved again. Free to feel joy and happiness again. Free to be me again.
What a scattered post. It is how my head feels these days. There is so much going on that I can hardly keep it straight. I feel like I have been living in a daze for the last week. Hopefully the weekend will help with some extra rest and some more time to spend with my beautiful family, including the husband of mine that I love.
357 days.
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