I believe in LOVE

Day 9: Saturday. Hmmm, what did we do? Oh yes, we had a family gathering. That was, er, interesting. I guess if anyone was paying attention to us they maybe would have noticed the HUGE bags under my eyes, though they would likely have blamed it on the fact that I have a newborn and not that I have been crying everyday for over a week now (with exception to last Tuesday). Fine by me. But, nope, no one noticed. No one notices anything. It is a great relief and feeling of sadness all at once.

It was another hard day. A lot of crying. A lot more questions. A lot more of the same.

Day 10: Sunday. I wanted so badly to get out of the house. I feel trapped here. Unable to really breathe sometimes. Like I am walking around in someone else's happy place because, well, this was my happy place until last Friday night. After getting most of the house cleaned --it was bad after a week of me doing next to nothing-- we did finally leave to buy some special groceries for dinner. That was one of those why-did-we-leave-the-house-trips. I forgot my wallet, which now has my debit card that my husband is almost always carrying, so he had to drive back home to get it while I waited with all 3 of the babies at the grocery store. That part wasn't that bad but it was just the total lack of efficiency that got to me. We are usually pretty on top of things. Can't say that our heads are totally clear right now.

More tears. When will they stop?

Day 11: Today. Has it really only been 11 days? It feels like my life has been shattered forever at this point. I am still really, REALLY, struggling. I just don't get it. I mean I look back and I see mistakes. I see hard times. I see miscommunication but I don't see this. Cheating. I don't see my otherwise loving and devoted husband as a cheater.

I've always been a lover even though, looking back, love has never really been that good to me.

This is all I've ever wanted in life. This. This life that I thought I had.

I married my best friend and so far we have 3 beautiful babies together. I never complain to anyone about my life...quite the opposite actually. When things are bad (like they are now) I hunker down and get through it without so much as a peep to anyone around me. It's just the way I am. I have never complained about my husband to anyone, never uttered an ill word about him, so to do it when things are rough and there is a chance of someone driving a (bigger) wedge between us is unthinkable. So unthinkable that starting this blog was a really difficult decision. But here I am, and will be for awhile.

Mondays are hard for me. They have always presented their own kind of difficulty after the weekend but now it seems so magnified. It means that I have to watch my husband drive off. It means that I have to be alone with my thoughts for hours. It means that I have to be everything that my babies need from me while I struggle with everything that is going on within.

I got through the day with very few tears but then I put the babies to bed and here I sit with way too much time to think and be alone. I have never loved this shift but it is worse than ever now. I sit here and I sob. I sit here and research how to survive this monster and I sob when it hits me what I am spending my time doing. I'd so much rather be looking through and editing old pictures. Or wasting time on some lame site that offers nothing but mindless entertainment. Or watching something completely useless. But I sit here and research and read and cry and try to grasp this reality. I just want it to go away. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to spend my time with my husband trying to work through this. I want to spend our time doing other things, fun things, carefree things. Can't we go back? I want it ALL to go away. When will it go away? Oh wait, it won't. This is my life, my new life, and I hate it. I hate that this is a part of me. I hate that this will be a part of us if we make it. I hate that life could be good in spite of this instead of without this. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I hate that I hate this.

Remember, I'm a lover. I've never hated life. Not like this anyway. Maybe moments in life but not life itself. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. I have so much to live for but really I don't want this. I don't want this to be a part of my life. I want to go back to the days when I was not sad. I was not broken. I was not confused.

I feel like I can be happy again, someday, but I don't know if I'll ever not be sad. I feel like this sadness will never go away. Like I will carry it with me forever. I don't want that but I don't know how to get rid of it.

My husband thinks we should work on a plan. Have goals. I think it is a wise idea. I need something to work towards. I feel like right now I have nowhere to go.

I believe in love. I always have. I think it is a beautiful and amazing thing. I won't stop believing now. I can't. I love my husband and those babies of mine too much to give up on it now.

354 days. I'm hurting.