A Fork In The Road

Day 12: Today was a bad day. I slept way too long and then could not get anyone motivated to do anything. UGH. I cannot afford days like today. They drain any progress from me that could have been made. I moped around most of the day and then bawled right before he left for work

I am trying to find the stages of grief surrounding infidelity but everything that I search only seems to pull up grief surrounding death and as much as this feels like a death -- death of dreams, death of fidelity, death of being the only one, death of life as I knew it, etc. -- I need a more precise outline of what I am going through and will go through.

I don't know what to do next. I know that I need a goal and maybe that is what we can work on tonight but honestly, I just want to quit. I don't feel up to this anymore. I don't feel like making any of these decisions about what I should do next. I want to just have days like I did before. We had our moments (for sure!) but to me it was all about growing and learning and figuring each other out. Sure, after 6 years of marriage, it seems like forever but compared to a lifelong together I feel like we were just getting started. Strange, since we have 3 babies of our own and were headed to forever together, but I really never saw anything but a happy future for us.

How do I go on? Things are the same...but SO different. I feel like I am going through the motions right now waiting to move on. But move on to what? The road I was on has ended and I have come to a fork in the road. None of my options look good though. They all appear to include sadness, emptiness, loneliness, brokenness, confusion, fear...WHY? Why do I have to choose? Why am I here at a fork in the road? This wasn't what I saw when I looked at the map almost 7 years ago when I accepted his marriage proposal. And now that I have chosen one fork it looks like I have a lot more forks in my future. The last way I chose to go was the one with the least regrets. I chose to stay and fight for us. Our life, our love, our future. I couldn't stand the thought of never knowing if things would have worked. I couldn't stand the thought of giving up on something that I feel is worth fighting for. I couldn't stand that thought of walking away from the one man that I have always loved. But now how do I chose the next road? I really don't know. I don't even know what I have to choose from but I feel like I have to make a choice.

Suddenly I feel lost and I am without a map.

353 days. Maybe tomorrow I will have found my way.