I always thought I'd have a blog one day. Never thought it would start with this.
My husband of 6 years came home last Friday and told me that he cheated on me. Not once, but many times. Each time, but once, with women that he did not have emotional ties to.
We have 3 beautiful babies together. One is a few weeks old. I NEVER thought this could -- WOULD -- happen to me.
This is going to MY 365 (hopefully less and not more) days of SURVIVING INFIDELITY. The good, the bad, the ugly. Raw emotion and uncensored truths. It is hard for me but I think it is vital.
Day 1: Friday night was terrible. He came home and out of nowhere spilled his guts. I have no words to describe the weight of what he told me. I cried until I could not keep my eyes open anymore and eventually my body gave up sometime around 3:30am and I fell asleep.
Day 2: Saturday I distracted myself by keeping a prior obligation that we had and being gone most of the day but it ended much like Friday night did.
Day 3: Sunday was another really hard day. We went out as a family and spent time together but I don't think I was 'there' for alot of it. That night also followed suite of the two before.
Day 4: Monday was my first day alone with the babies again while he went to work and I had the day to think about our life. My life. I was back and forth all day until I had the evening to do some online research about surviving infidelity. I found a few sites with some encouraging literature and somewhere in between terrified and ecstatic I decided to give our marriage another chance.
Day 5: Tuesday (yesterday) I don't remember much. Sad, huh? I think I cried so much the days before that my head was unclear. I know that I woke up in a daze and with a TERRIBLE headache. I didn't cry yesterday. Felt kinda strange not to but I welcomed the break. At one point I felt myself starting to and I literally held it in because my head hurt so badly. Returned my husband's kiss for the first time since he left for "work" on Friday afternoon.
Day 6: Today -- Today also was a day of obligation. I had a doctor's appointment that confirmed what I already knew: I need to have a hernia repaired. 3 beautiful babies later and my muscles have given way to my guts. ~Sigh~ I am not looking forward to it at all but I really have no choice.
The evening proved to be the hardest one this week. I am emotionally worn down and having 3 little people depending on me is hard sometimes. I don't regret staying but tonight I was wondering if it was the right choice. Can I do this? Can I live with this hurt? Can I still be a good mom as I try to process and make sense of my feelings? Will I ever feel 'normal' again?
I also realized tonight that being a single mom would be so hard. I am not saying that I couldn't do it if I had to but my babies deserve so much more than a depressed mama. I have to get better. Someway, somehow.
I know that staying meant that I have to believe that this is over. That my husband will not cheat again. It is so hard though. So hard when I am doing something simple, like laundry or dishes, and suddenly I am hit AGAIN with the fact that he cheated on me. It hurts. There is no way to describe this pain. No way to put into words the emptiness that is in my heart.
I am trying to think like a survivor (like one site that I visited encouraged). Trying not to think these things that seem to pop up in my head all through out the day.
- He shouldn't have done this to me.
- Love should have brought him home.
- He should have thought of the kids.
I try to find hope in the fact that he told me on his own. I never would have known. Also that he wants to change. He wants to fix our marriage. He takes full responsibility. He has been upfront about everything that I have asked him. He KNOWS that it is not going to be better in a few days, or week or month.
I am clinging to the good things in life right now. I have 3 beautiful, healthy babies that love each other. I wish there were more that came to mind right now but there aren't.
I REALLY love my husband. I know that may sound strange but it's true. Being betrayed doesn't mean that you stop loving. Doesn't mean that everything you felt the moment before your world fell apart suddenly doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that you give up on your dreams.
When will I be ok? I don't know. Hopefully sometime in the next 359 days.
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