"You are amazing. Please stay comfortable until I get home. I will hold you and you can cry. I will hold you tight and you can grieve. I will hold you and we can heal."
And that's what I did last night. I stood in the bedroom door for a long time and just sobbed in his arms. Sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I went and got ready for bed, crawled into my spot, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed some more. He came in a wrapped me up in his arms and I wept until I could take a deep breath without it all overwhelming me again.
This is so hard. Will it ever get easier? Will it ever feel like my heart isn't bare? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and not ask myself if everyone will notice that I have been crying?
I've been reading alot tonight. Trying to gather tips, advice, strength, hope, inspiration...anything to make me feel like this is the right decision. It is hard to read others putting your feelings into words when you feel like you cannot.
It is hard knowing that it will never be like it was before. I will never have that innocent love of being the only one. I will never be able to forget this. I cannot make this go away and oh, how I want to. I want to wake up and take a deep breath when I realize this is all a nightmare. I still find myself wondering if this is real. It can't be, can it?
From the looks of it I am 6 days into my Denial/Shock phase. Not wanting to believe it. How long will this last? How long can I do this?
Yeah, today sucks. I know that I am depressed. I want to sleep but know I will regret wasting the day. And besides, I have 3 small children, I can't just sleep all day long. I didn't eat dinner last night but I managed to eat a plate full of spaghetti tonight. I am proud of myself for that. I didn't want to eat it. I don't have such a hard time eating breakfast and lunch but once he goes to work I am emotionally eating. Craving sweets and snacks and nothing really good for me. Good thing that I still have some self control so I only had 2 cookies, 2 bite size chocolates and a chocolate granola thin over the course of the day. I also know that I have a tiny little one depending on me to keep myself well-nourished. This is probably a VERY good thing. I also feel myself letting the house go. I've never been a great housekeeper but I was getting better. Today though I did very little. The dishes are piled up and are bugging me but I have no motivation to do them. I need to fold a ton of laundry but I suppose living out of baskets won't hurt for awhile.
I need a break. No rest for the weary though. Gotta keep on going I guess.
Last night I told him that I really wanted him to get STD tested. I know that the risk is very little since he was using protection but I don't think I can even start to think about making love again until I know that he is not going to pass something onto me. He called and made an appointment to go in Monday morning. I am so anxious. What if he does have something? Then what? I assume that most things are treatable but that means more money and another hurdle. ARGH! This is all so frustrating. I really don't think I can take another blow. Please, God spare him this. Spare ME this.
So I have been listening to this song over and over. It has become my mantra of sorts. Trading My Sorrows by Hillsong Kids. I am determined to not let this overcome me. I cling to hope that he is going to get better. That we are going to make it (and normally the put on a happy face and keep going person that I am would stop there but this is uncensored truths so...) but if we don't I have to know that I can go on and be a whole person for my babies. They are too young to even know that something is not right. I have done my best to shelter them from most of this. They have seen me cry but other than that they do not deserve to worry and suffer from this. I am hanging on to the faith that I have in the Great Comforter. Our Incredible Healer. My Lord.
I feel like my faith is weak right now but I am not giving up because I know that HE won't either.
And so I will take that as an unintended transition to the rainbow that I saw today. I got up to take a picture of the sky outside because it was this incredible, ominous blue, when my little man pointed out the most beautiful rainbow I have seen...maybe ever, but if not, in a long time. My heart just melted to see how proud he was of himself for noticing it before I did. Maybe he was happy to see me smile today.
God has such a way of loving us. This was just what I needed today. Sometimes you just know when everything is going to be ok. Whatever may come...I pray happiness, joy and a renewed love...I know that in time everything is going to be ok.
I love my husband. We can do this. We've overcome before.
358 days to go. One day at a time. I will get through this. I won't give up.
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