One Day At A Time

Day 13:  Last night was one of the worst ones so far. I realized that there is no way to map this all out. There is no way to know what to expect next. This is hard to accept for a "planner" like me.

Crying is therapeutic for me. I want to get it out. I feel like I need to cleanse my body of this hurt but after almost 2 weeks of daily crying it's starting to cause physical pain. I am so tired from crying. I feel like I have to take a break sometimes just so that I can function to some degree of normalcy. But I cried and cried and cried last night as I laid in my husband's arms. And then I asked WHY?

Why wasn't he this concerned about me when he was off cheating our family? Why wasn't he this invested in us when our issues were small? Why is he so unselfish now...now that I am unhappy and broken?

It's so hard to accept that this man who is wonderful to me (and our babies) in so many ways is the one who has hurt me. It's hard to wrap my head around trying to lean on my best friend (we really were best friends, not dating  -- for 3 years -- before we got married) in this time of need when it was my best friend who broke me. It's hard needing, really needing, the person that betrayed me. But here I find myself needing and leaning on my wonderful, best friend who hurt me, broke me and betrayed me.

I need to say it again...can this all go away now? No. OK. Carry on, I must.

Today was one of my better days. I haven't cried today (well, I don't think I have). We took the babies out for lunch and had some time to talk about some more things. It's so easy to go out and pretend like everything is fine. I guess, maybe because that is how I really wish things still were. Wish we didn't have to take this with us everywhere for the rest of our lives. I wonder when it will ever really sink in and I will begin to accept this even though I really don't want to.

I am living with alot of despair right now. I want things to work but I also don't want to get better (be happy) because that means that I have to accept what has happened. I don't want to think about planning happy dates and going out together and having fun because that means I have to believe that it will never happen again. As of now, I still have a feeling that this is all temporary. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop so that I can really start over. -sigh- I don't want to feel this way, and I have been very honest with my husband about how I feel, but I do.

He knows that right now there is no amount of reassuring me or being open and forthcoming or consistent or any of those things that he has committed to doing to save our marriage, our life together, that is going to make me KNOW that this is never going to happen again. I hope that in time I can come to believe him but for now all I can do is hope that some day I will feel safe again. I will feel secure and whole and happy again. I will feel like I can breathe again. Until then, I have to just keep taking it one hour at a time, one day at a time.

352 days. One at a time.