Insecure

Day 14: This pain is unbelievable. To think that I was going to be over this in a year seems so foolish now. I have been reading so much and it appears that I will NEVER be over this. So what now? I still need a goal to work towards for a 1 year mark. How about, not go crazy? That sounds like a reasonable compromise, right?

UGH! I was reading through some stories today and they are depressing me. Seeing people who are 25 years out from finding out about their spouse cheating on them who still cry sometimes, who still suffer from things ruining their day, who still feel the pain "as if it were yesterday". I know that I need to read these things and to connect with people who have been there and done that. I guess it's better to know now that if in a year from now I am still hurting more often than I am not hurting that I am not the exception, but the rule.

There are so many sad thoughts constantly in my head now. Thoughts about how my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, how my husband was lying to me, how my life will NEVER be what I thought it would be. How we cannot go back. How I cannot have that pure and innocent love like I did before. Why do I feel like I was wrong to blindly love and trust my husband? Didn't I deserve to be able to do that? Oh, this sucks!

I want my old life back. I want to love freely and with all of me and not feel the need to protect myself. I don't think that is ever coming back though and somehow I have to learn to accept that. This is never going away. All I can do at this point is somehow learn to cope with it. Learn what to "let go" of and what is worth holding on to. I feel like I will never be able to let go of any of it but I think holding on to all of it is going to ruin me for good.

I already feel ruined to large degree. There are many areas but the one on my mind right now is how over the past few years I had really come to love and appreciate my body. There were things that I wasn't 100% happy about but my husband is wonderful about complimenting me and after carrying and birthing our babies he always made me feel wonderful. I had really grown attached to the stretchmarks that marked the spot where my babies had grown and had worked hard at accepting most of the other things that my body had to offer. Last year I worked to lose some extra weight and was making a conscious effort to looking good for my husband and most importantly not "letting myself go".  I did all of this without my husband ever mentioning one negative thing about me. I just knew that it was important that I stay connected to making him happy. It hurts now to know that that was when the bulk of his cheating was going on and it has left me feeling very insecure. Not only is my body not bouncing back after baby #3 quite as quickly as it had with #1 or #2 but now I feel like the stress is only going to make it harder.

I wonder if I will ever feel like it wasn't something about me that made him stray. I want to experience that vulnerability that comes with trusting my husband, again, I just don't know how. I want to feel good about myself again. Feel like I am beautiful to him. Feel like he loves my body.

351 days. Wonder what my goal should be...