Birthday Date

Day 148: "I want to buy you something... to help you feel better. Any suggestions?"

After my husband said this to me the other night. I quickly responded with, ""Just a gift or something to actually make me feel better?" 

I told a few friends what he said and these were two of the responses:

Can I marry your husband? That's so sweet. My husband never thinks of stuff like that.

and

I lurve [him]. Can he write a tip sheet for all the husbands?

I feel so blessed. I feel SO blessed. So blessed that when he is on his game he is really doing a great job. It also feels like a knife to the heart. I have no idea if any of these friends of mine have or are suffering through infidelity and even though I think I am hiding it from them pretty well I am going to stay positive and say that they probably aren't. What I wouldn't give to be in their shoes. To live a mediocre life instead of a GREAT one because of this. Ya know?

I know that is sad -- to wish for a life of mediocrity -- but it's really how I feel. 

Tomorrow he is taking me out for my birthday. I'm excited. Really excited! We haven't been out together without the toddlers for my birthday ever. This should be really fun. I am really, really going to try to let him treat me. I'm not always a very gracious guest.

217 days. Looking forward to tomorrow.

My Cocktail

Day 146: Still sick. My baby girl is also having a growth spurt and needed me to just hold her which I gladly did.

Day 147: He woke me up at 8:30 with coffee going and a smile. I noticed shortly after I got up that I actually am starting to feel better. I have no idea which part of the cocktail of things that I am taking is helping but I honestly don't care. 3 times daily I've been taking 3 echinacea, 2 garlic, 2 drops of homeopathic cold/sinus mixture, and a dose of colloidal silver. I am really hoping that I am on the mend and tomorrow I will be feeling even better.

Yesterday was a good day. HE GOT THE JOB! He was chosen from 20 people for the program. I am so proud of him. It's still looking like 6-8 more weeks on second shift and then I'm not even sure that he will go straight to first shift but I am really hoping so. Next week he will get the entire program schedule for the next 18 months. This is really good news because I like to know what is coming. I deal with it better.

Last night I was still feeling really crummy and he asked me what he could bring me? I chose a 7 layer burrito (so not proud of that but I was hungry!) and he complimented it with an almond joy and a pretty new shirt. What a guy!

He made us a fabulous lunch today, ran to the post office to fix an error that I made and got a haircut. Before work he also took the time to relax with me and ask me how he can make things better for me. We talked about how we need to talk about "it" and deal with the heart of the issue and not just all of the symptoms. He gets that. He gets it all.

It's just such a hard place to be right now. Right where I am. It's so hard being me and being depressed. I've been depressed in the past (briefly -- usually winter blues) but I never admit it to myself until it's over. It's just my way of dealing with it. My way of getting through it. This time I feel like admitting it to myself has been like giving in to it and now I don't know how to get past it. I told him today that the only way I see out right now is medicine that makes me feel nothing and I am NOT willing to do that. I'll never be.

I'm really hoping that this weekend pushes me past the plateau that I'm on. Definitely going to take the baby with us so that I can relax and not worry about how she is doing. It'll be more fun that way!

218 days. Dear Jesus, please heal me.

Big Meanie

Day 145: My face feels bruised.

I've never had a sinus infection like this. I thought I was getting better but I woke up this morning and felt worse than I have in the past week. I'm so over it.

He let me sleep in (he does that a lot) and then finally came to get me out of bed sometime mid-morning. I just want to be well again. I can't do all of this all the time. I can't work on me, be a good wife and mother, and be sick. Not to mention the state of my house is just crumbling -- after I had finally started to make some headway.

I was such a big meanie to my babies today. I'm so mad at myself over it. They were just being toddlers but my patience seems to be obsolete right now so I can so short with them. It got so bad that I was having a mini meltdown all by myself over a pan of spaghetti and my husband just happened to call me back right then, while I was in tears. I told him that I was still feeling horrible and he jumped on it and said that he was going to try to see if he could get out and come home.

That alone brightened my mood but I was still not sure what time he might make it. I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in an hour before bedtime. He let me go soak for on hour and right now is up making me some tea.

I have got to get better. This is ridiculous. I am so tired of being sick. I get sick every now and then but I was just sick like five weeks ago. Argh!

On a better note -- this weekend we are celebrating my birthday that is next week. We're going to go out and have dinner while someone we love watches the babies. I still haven't decided if we'll take the littlest one with us or not. I guess it'll depend on the time. Afterward we're going to come back home and hang out with them. I haven't had a get together for my birthday in a long time. It should be fun.

220 days. It makes me feel loved when he takes care of me. 

Who Am I?

Day 141: I was so sick that I put a movie on and we all (the babies and I) crashed there until my husband came home.

Day 142:  Who am I? I just shoved, punched, scratched,  and bit him. Sure he wouldn't leave me alone and was even trying to hold me. Sure he was the one who made me mad and hurt my feelings. Sure he is the one who wasn't listening to my words but...who am I?

I also punched the cupboard and messed up my hand, threatened to call the police so that they would take me before I hurt someone and threw a huge baby toy at him. Who am I?

Who am I? Who is this monster inside of me? Who is this mess sitting on the floor of the kitchen, icing my wrist and sobbing while he searches for more answers? Who am I?

I'm lost and confused. I feel hurt and abandoned. Not only by him but by myself. I'm emotionally unstable, at best, and it's not good enough.

I want out. I was out of this dark place. This dark place of depression. Of hurt and anger and loneliness and betrayal and sadness. Oh, I'm so sad.

I want to live again. I want the nightmares to stop. I want the freedom to have enough control over myself to be able to take minor blows. We were arguing about something unrelated. He totally was...I don't know...avoiding his mistake. Making light of it. Not understanding the severity. I don't know. I don't know what to made him act the way that he did but it should not have resulted in this. We should have -- I should have -- been able to talk it through without losing control.

What's gonna happen? How will I even find myself again?

Maybe I won't. Maybe this is me. Oh Lord, please tell me that's not true. Please tell me that You'll heal me from this.

When will I be free again? I'm trying so hard and yet I get smacked upside the head with this. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

It's hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words.

Some days it'd be easier if I were supposed to hurt...


Day 143:  Things calmed down kinda early last night but then we didn't really deal with them. Why? I don't know. It's kinda been the theme lately and it finally bubbled over. After a full day we were laying in bed and I started telling him that things lately are not going as well as they seem. We don't really discuss things anymore. Simple answers are taken at face value and not looked into any deeper. No tears means progress.

It's not the case though. I feel like lately I have put a brave face on, pushed my feelings down and put my nose to the grindstone. Why? Because I have to.

I can only be broken and vulnerable and open to heal when I know that he is here to catch me as I fall and carry me when I can't walk. Something's been missing though.

We talked about it. It's supposed to get better. We'll see. I hope so.

Day 144: A year ago today I took our little girl to the doctor after realizing that home treating her was not getting rid of what I thought was an irritated lymph node. Several tests, doctors and hours later they called me and asked me to come back to the office so that we could talk.

A piece of my heart fell into God's lap right then.

Once arriving at the office, the Doctor sat us down and told us that they thought that it could be cancer and that she needed a chest xray.

The rest of my heart fell into God's lap.

I'm sure I only held it together because my little man and my little girl were right there watching me but my husband and I could barely speak to each other knowing that behind our words there were many, many, many tears. Tears of fear. I've never known fear like that. Within minutes we were in our own private waiting room. I started praying as we waited. Praying for a miracle. Praying for grace. Praying that my little girl was going to be ok.

I was a few months pregnant so I could not even be in the room to hold her hand and comfort her while they xrayed her. My husband was though. He brought her back to me and I just held her as I felt another tear escape and slide down my cheek. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. I'm not sure exactly how long it was but time has never gone by so slowly. The world has never stopped the way that it did while we waited. Finally we were called back.

One by one the doctors all came in to meet us and talk to us. All I could think was that they all knew something that we didn't and that it was bad. The Senior Doctor then came in. I don't remember much of her words before or after she told us that her xray looked perfect. She said it so nonchalantly that we almost missed it. I do remember pulling my little girl closer to me and her snuggling in to nurse as the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders.

I'll never forget that day. Never forget how God spared us, once again. Never forget the overwhelming (what an understatement) sense of relief that I had in that moment.

Many more days and tests later we found out that her lymph node wasn't fighting an infection like we would have all like to assume but that it was actually infected.

221 days. Praising God -- The Great Physician -- for a perfectly healthy little girl today!

Interviews

Day 140: The stress is making me angry and my anger is all geared in the wrong direction. I realized today that I don't really cry in front of the babies anymore but I've replaced it with a short fuse. I have to change this.

If my husband gets this new position at work -- he's had an interview everyday this week and two tomorrow -- he will be working first shift some of the time. That alone would make my day a lot easier but...if he doesn't get it I still have to figure out how to instill more patience within myself. I have done a good job of creating a routine for us and sticking to it helps everyone but I still need to work on enjoying it all. Having a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 5 month old means that I am SO blessed. So, so, so blessed. What did I do to deserve such a privilege? God has been so good to me and I want to bathe in the blessing that He has given me.

I need some sort of outlet as well but I have no idea what. I am consumed with life right now without much time to squeeze anything else in.

225 days. I think it's time for a break.

Drawn To Him

Day 139: He's been incredibly patient lately.

Sometimes I wonder if he is actively working on this or if it is just coming naturally now. There is no disappointment either way. I just sense that he is willing and happy to do whatever it takes to make happiness out of all of this. It's working. I feel myself drawn to him when he is peaceful. I wonder how he feels about me lately...? I feel like I am hard to deal with sometimes. He doesn't make me feel that way though. He makes me feel like I can ask for and have whatever I want and he'll supply it.

Last night I got suddenly suspicious about why he was late from work (he said that the road was flooded and he had to go back and around). At first I was totally fine with that answer and then it hit me. Like all the times in the past when he had an excuse. I told him that I was upset about it and couldn't help but notice that he didn't call me to tell me. He got a little excited over it but quickly composed himself and thought about it. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him that I wanted to drive to see if the road was really flooded. He very calmly and empathetically told me that he understood if I wanted to do that and to go if it would make me feel better. I chose not to though. He then said to me that all this means is that he is becoming lax and he does not want that. Wow. It takes my breath away (and it's scary) to think that he really is a changed man.

I think that this may actually all work. I think that we may just heal. I think that there is a way to find happiness again.

226 days. Could it really be happening?

So Much Of Me

Day 138: I saw a piece of his broken heart today.

We were laying in bed -- all five of us -- and he said that he is so sorry that he was not "fully here" when the other two were little. He was holding our baby girl and just looking at her. He said that he just holds her and appreciates her so much more. Looking back and knowing all that I know I still believe that he's always been a great Dad.

I wondered for awhile if we would ever tell our kids (much, MUCH, later down the road) about what had happened between us. It didn't take me long to decide that no good would come of it. I want our kids to see the beauty of marriage and love. I want them to believe in it and hope for it. I want them to see love between us and learn from us. I want them to see how good it can be and how rewarding it is. I believe that we can model that without having to show them that we loved so much that we got through this.

So much of me still questions a lot of what is going on. So much of me still wonders if this is all just a bad dream. So much of me aches at the thought of this happening again.

So much of me still wanders through life aimlessly. So much of me hurts that I cannot expose all of me because it still hurts too bad. The wind of life is still too devastating for the wound that is still raw.

So much of me still wants so badly to believe that I will wake up from this. Wake up and find my husband laying next to me without a crease on his brow from this heartache.

So much of me is still broken but...so much of me has been put back together.

I wish I could live the emotions that I feel. So many of them are stuck inside of me.

Day 227: I've found myself in the palm of his hand again.