Day 56: I didn't think that the upcoming days were going to be difficult but they have been on my mind all evening. I know that the affair that he had with the one (of soooooooo many) woman who I actually knew started the week before Christmas. I also know it was the week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It is creeping in on me. The sadness, the fear, the doubts.
Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.
He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.
Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.
It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.
The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.
His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.
It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.
309 days. The little things.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Joy
Day 55: My husband was so great today. I have had a few blah days back to back. Today he kept wrapping me up in his arms (oh, how I love the way he does that!) and kissing me. I love it. I love when he does it even when I'm kinda fighting to get away because I'm in a poor mood. I love it when he does it when I am busy and doesn't quit. I love when he does it until I give in to him.
He has a way with me. He really does.
I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.
My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.
It makes me sad that he is hurting. It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.
My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.
310 days. There is joy today.
He has a way with me. He really does.
I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.
My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.
Hey,
I hope your day with the kids was good. It wasn't looking too promising when I left for work but if anyone can turn it around, I know you can. I just wanted to let you know that I caught up on your blog today (last post is from Friday as of right now) and I am glad I did. Your posts have a way of lifting my spirits. Even the sad ones are laced with an optimism that motivates me (even more than I already am) to keep chipping away at this 50 ft high, 6 ft thick wall that I have thrown up with my selfish decisions.
You are such an amazing woman. Words cannot describe the emotions that swirl within me when I think about what I have done to you. The mixture of anger and sadness makes me clench my fists and tighten all the muscles in my body. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! To know what I had all along and did not care makes me sick to my stomach and to know that we could be so much farther right now makes me shake my head.
But to know that you are still with me makes me smile. It makes me want to go out and pick up mountain and lift it over my head (but I won't for fear of a hernia). To know that I get another chance to be with this amazing woman makes me want to do everything I can to get us past this dark time and into the light so we can finally live that you did sign up for. I love you so much.
I know that it's not quite as easy as my few words in an email make it seem. I know that the task is huge but I don't care how seemingly insurmountable it is, I will keep chipping.
Your loving husband,
{The man that I love}
It makes me sad that he is hurting. It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.
My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.
310 days. There is joy today.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
*Hold Me Tight*
Written on Day 53 (12.6.10)
-----------------------------------------------
Hold Me Tight
I'm gonna understand this love
I'm gonna help to see it through
I'm gonna hang on tight when things get rough
It's just me and you
Remember when we were young
Everything seemed so easy
Remember when we were young
How simple it was to please me
I wanna feel safe again
I wanna find that place
I wanna see the love again
When I look at your face
You think we're gonna make it
I wanna believe it too
You think we'll be strong again
Just me and you
Hold me tight, don't let me go
I need to feel you near
Whisper softly, say it gently
Let you words fall on my ear
I'll never forget, but I forgive
To myself I'll be true
I'll love like I've never been hurt
This is my gift to you
-----------------------------------------------
Hold Me Tight
I'm gonna understand this love
I'm gonna help to see it through
I'm gonna hang on tight when things get rough
It's just me and you
Remember when we were young
Everything seemed so easy
Remember when we were young
How simple it was to please me
I wanna feel safe again
I wanna find that place
I wanna see the love again
When I look at your face
You think we're gonna make it
I wanna believe it too
You think we'll be strong again
Just me and you
Hold me tight, don't let me go
I need to feel you near
Whisper softly, say it gently
Let you words fall on my ear
I'll never forget, but I forgive
To myself I'll be true
I'll love like I've never been hurt
This is my gift to you
Monday, December 6, 2010
Healing
Day 51: Saturday. It was a long day. We went out early and did a bunch of shopping and then that evening we had a company dinner to attend. It was fun. We both got dressed up and went out together without any babies. (That was REALLY hard, especially leaving my 9 week old baby, but I did it for us.) We really enjoyed ourselves. We came home, relieved our wonderful babysitter(s!) and headed for bed.
I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.
Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.
After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.
It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.
But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.
That night, we healed some more.
Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.
When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.
When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!
The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).
Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.
Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.
I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.
This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.
Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.
It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.
I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.
I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.
I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.
312 days. We are healing.
I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.
Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.
After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.
It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.
But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.
That night, we healed some more.
Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.
When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.
When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!
The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).
Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.
Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.
I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.
This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.
Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.
It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.
I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.
I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.
I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.
312 days. We are healing.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Looking Forward
Day 50: It's been 7 weeks. Feels like forever though.
I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.
I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)
Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.
I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.
I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.
I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.
"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.
Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.
315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.
I am still sad. Still going down on this roller coaster ride but today I am choosing to pull myself up a bit to catch my breath and I am going to look forward.
I have been struggling lately with spending quality time with my babies. It makes my heart ache when I realize another day has gone by and I haven't poured love into and over them. Oh, I love them. Goodness, how I love them, but I have been failing. I made up my mind last night though. I decided that I was going to have a GREAT day with them...so...40 paper snowflakes later (there are some on a different window)...and we had a great day together. (Yes, my hands hurt but it was so worth watching them unfold each of those snowflakes.)
Life right now is sad but good. My husband has been incredible to me since the night that he came clean. He told me last night that he always loved me but that he did not always appreciate me and wasn't grateful for me. Like so much, it hurts to hear but, it makes a lot of sense.
I asked him last night what life would be like if I never healed. If I was never "ok". He said that he would hold me every night while I cry until we are old. It is, in a very warped way, ...endearing, to say the least. He then went on to say, though, that he believes that I will heal. That I can and will get past this. I, too, believe that but in those moments when my heart feels like it is breaking again, just from the thought of what has happened, it is hard to see past this hurt.
I still wish that my husband would have come to appreciate me and be grateful for me, the way that he is now, without having to almost lose me. I think his perspective, the very thing that led him to make all of those terrible decisions, is what has his heart completely back in this. I think that is what is going to give us the ability to be happy again.
I think back to the day that he apologized to me for not being "here" for our whole marriage. It breaks my heart to know that so much of what I have with him was based on lies. It hurts that I was giving to him when he was not receiving. It hurts, BUT I am not giving up.
"You never changed" is something that he recently said to me and, though I feel like this HAS changed me in some ways, I agree that the core of me has not changed. I still love him. I still love us. I still want a happy future with him.
Our future looks brighter than ever (now that he is not living a lie) and, tonight, I am holding onto that. Tonight, I am going to hold onto hope. Hope of a better life together. Not because of the affairs but in spite of them.
315 days. Life isn’t a reminder of what we’ve lost… it’s a celebration of what we have to give.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
It HURTS
Day 49: I'm not ok tonight. In fact, I'm getting worse.
I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???
I want off this roller coaster.
I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?
I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.
I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-
Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.
Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.
Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.
316 days. Oh it hurts.
I don't know how to live with this pain. I don't know how to be ok anymore. I don't know how to look forward without all of this hurt. I didn't choose this for me but I have to some figure it all out. WHY???
I want off this roller coaster.
I just want to be who I used to be. My confident, secure, whole self. Where did that person go?
I feel like a shell walking around. I feel like someone else is living in my body. I hate this.
I don't even know what I need right now. A massage sounds nice, but only until the 60 minutes are over. A drive sounds nice, but I don't want to be alone. Shopping sounds fun, but I don't really know what to buy. A break...ahh that sounds heavenly but not practical. Oh, I need for this to be a nightmare! That's what I need. -sigh-
Can I learn to let some of this go? Or is that just a way of not dealing with it? Is the only way to deal with it to hold on to it until it doesn't hurt anymore? Will the hurt ever really go away? Will my heart ever be mended? I know that I can be happy again...that is up to me. I am worried about my heart though. That is where the hurt is. That is what is broken.
Can I live with a broken heart? How is that even possible? This is so consuming. This is torture.
I don't want to do this anymore. I want this all to go away. I want the pain and hurt and sorrow and anguish and sadness and emptiness to all go away. I want to be who I used to be. I want the husband that I thought I had back. I want the life that I thought I had back.
Why does he want me now? I am messed up and broken. I am not who he loved before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like I could implode from the pain. It HURTS.
316 days. Oh it hurts.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Grip
Day 48: I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-
I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.
I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!
This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.
This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.
This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let go of this pain. I just don't know how.
There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.
The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.
Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.
317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.
I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.
I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!
This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.
This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.
This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let go of this pain. I just don't know how.
There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.
The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.
Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.
317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.
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