Numb

Day 82: Had another bad dream last night. This time it had one of the other women in it. (There are more women than I'll ever know -- more than he knows -- since all but two were paid.) This particular other women is the one that bothers me the most. I think it is because I knew her, she had been in my home, seen my babies. Ugh, it makes me want to puke.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.

I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.

I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.

I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.

This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.

I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.

283 days. Holding on.

Joy

Day 55: My husband was so great today. I have had a few blah days back to back. Today he kept wrapping me up in his arms (oh, how I love the way he does that!) and kissing me. I love it. I love when he does it even when I'm kinda fighting to get away because I'm in a poor mood. I love it when he does it when I am busy and doesn't quit. I love when he does it until I give in to him.

He has a way with me. He really does.

I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.

My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.

Hey, 

I hope your day with the kids was good. It wasn't looking too promising when I left for work but if anyone can turn it around, I know you can. I just wanted to let you know that I caught up on your blog today (last post is from Friday as of right now) and I am glad I did. Your posts have a way of lifting my spirits. Even the sad ones are laced with an optimism that motivates me (even more than I already am) to keep chipping away at this 50 ft high, 6 ft thick wall that I have thrown up with my selfish decisions.

You are such an amazing woman. Words cannot describe the emotions that swirl within me when I think about what I have done to you. The mixture of anger and sadness makes me clench my fists and tighten all the muscles in my body. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! To know what I had all along and did not care makes me sick to my stomach and to know that we could be so much farther right now makes me shake my head.

But to know that you are still with me makes me smile. It makes me want to go out and pick up mountain and lift it over my head (but I won't for fear of a hernia). To know that I get another chance to be with this amazing woman makes me want to do everything I can to get us past this dark time and into the light so we can finally live that you did sign up for. I love you so much. 

I know that it's not quite as easy as my few words in an email make it seem. I know that the task is huge but I don't care how seemingly insurmountable it is, I will keep chipping. 

Your loving husband,

{The man that I love}

It makes me sad that he is hurting.  It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.

My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.

310 days. There is joy today.