Alone

Day 91: "Some of the most exciting things as a kid were the ones that I was not normally allowed to do." YIKES!

That is what my husband said to me today during a series of spirited conversations about an unrelated conversation about him and our son.

This brings back all of the feelings of inadequacy. I cannot compete with this. I cannot compete with new and different and forbidden. I cannot.

 I don't even know what to say. He recognized that he uncovered this truth today. He says he is going to dig into it. He wants to fix himself.

I'm just tired. I'm running on fumes lately...

I love him. I really love him. I'm still here. I'm still trying to heal. I'm still working on this but I am so darn tired. When will this get better? When will this not be so hard? When will I get a break from all of this?

Last night I was laying in bed. The house was quiet. My husband was on one side of me sleeping, my baby on the other. I lay there and I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only one awake on the whole earth. It was a really empty and lonely feeling. Good thing I was exhausted and fell asleep within minutes.

Why do I feel like that though? Why, when I am, literally, surrounded by the people that I love, do I feel so alone?

My heart hurts. My tears come so easy and often these days. My soul aches.

I want a different life. I want my old life. I want it all back. I know it was all messed up...but in my head it wasn't.

He's trying, I can tell, but something is not working. There is still something missing. Maybe it is that something that we will never have again. The innocence. The purity. The security.

274 days. Part of "the why" was discovered today.

The Grip

Day 48:  I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-

I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.

I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!

This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.

This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.

This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let  go of this pain. I just don't know how.

There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.

The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.

Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.

317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.