Flaws

Day 85:  I love a broken man.

I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.

He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.

I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.

I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.

Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.

But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.

I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.

I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.

He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".

I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.

I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.

280 days. We all have flaws.

Healing

Day 51: Saturday. It was a long day. We went out early and did a bunch of shopping and then that evening we had a company dinner to attend. It was fun. We both got dressed up and went out together without any babies. (That was REALLY hard, especially leaving my 9 week old baby, but I did it for us.) We really enjoyed ourselves. We came home, relieved our wonderful babysitter(s!) and headed for bed.

I got in bed just to snuggle the baby (the other two were sound asleep) and he climbed onto the end of the bed and rubbed my feet. We sat there and talked for quite awhile and then we laid down and snuggled.

Snuggling turned into more and we made love for over an hour. It was incredible.

After all was said and done I was getting ready to climb back into bed but my husband took me and stood me in front of him. He very deliberately started naming parts of my body (toes, arms, belly, face...) and telling me why he loved that part of me until every last piece of me had been accounted for.

It was very hard to stand there at first. Very awkward for me. I have not been the same since finding out about the affairs. Where a once, very secure and confident woman stood, now stands a shaken and wondering version of me. A version that needs to hear that I am enough. That I am lovely. That I am fulfilling. That I am perfect just the way that I am. That I am wanted. I need that now more than ever.

But...I stood there and I endured it. I stood there and I made myself step outside of my comfort zone. I stood there and I soaked in what he said. I stood there and let myself be vulnerable. I let him shower me with kind words. I let him "in". I let him give to me.

That night, we healed some more.

Day 52: Sunday. Yesterday we went out again. We had an impromptu Christmas celebration with some family that is going out of state for the holidays. We went to pick up a gift and then headed over.

When we left the gift shop and were headed to our family's house he turned on the game (on the radio). Just a few weekends ago the same thing had happened and he failed to engage me the entire car ride. It was a day that I was feeling particularly sad and I spent the whole car ride home staring out the window knowing that he did not even notice. I later said something to him about it and he apologized for it. When he turned it on I am pretty sure that it triggered that conversation from a few weeks back and he turned to me and asked me if I wanted him to turn it off. It made my heart so happy to know that actually meant it. That if I said "yes" that he would have turned it off and not grumbled. I told him that it was fine with me if he listened to it until I was done counting the stitches on the crochet project that I was working on and he was fine with that.

When I finished counting there were only a few minutes left in the game (and it was tied) so I gladly let him finish listening to it. His team won in the last few seconds! Yay for happy endings!

The truth is though that I don't care if he listens to the radio (as much as I hate talk radio), it is that I HATE being ignored, unnoticed, and forgotten about. I think he gets that now because he was actually talking to me while he was listening (and despite the fact that I was counting -- he's well aware of what that means).

Dinner at our family's was nice. We were both exhausted and the babies needed tended to so we didn't have a lot of time to spend together but I get that. Actually just this weekend sometime I was telling him that I do not expect unrealistic things from him. I know that we have 3 small children. I know that they have needs and wants and that we cannot always just stop what we are doing to discuss something. (By the way, he was not griping that I ask too much from him, I was only clarifying for him that I do not have a feeling that he is failing at this when our days get away from us.) I was also telling him that I do not expect him to be a "different" person.

Changed? Yes.
Improved? Yes.
Different? No.

I like him. I've always liked him. I don't want a new man. I want the same man with a better outlook and better decision making skills. I think that man is making his way into our home. The man that came home that night in October has a better heart. A clearer mind. A fresh start. I really think that he is trying hard to make the very most of it and it makes me happy.

This man, my man, helped us heal some more this weekend.

Day 53. I read one of the saddest stories today. A story of a woman who went through more death and sadness in a brief time than anyone should have to ever go through. All the while her alcoholic husband was out living another life. Cheating and lying. She needed him more than ever and he was offering no support. My heart broke for this poor woman and then I got to the end of her story. They made it. Somehow she found a place in heart to give him another chance. Somehow he changed and gave himself back to his wife. Somehow they found love again and remarried each other on an anniversary.

It is seriously one of the saddest things that I have ever read and it put me in a somber mood, despite the happy ending. I kinda moped around all morning and my husband asked what was wrong. He hugged me after I told him about the story and then went and read it himself. It was too much to digest and we didn't really talk about it much but I think we were both feeling a bit derailed by it. By afternoon I was in a bit of a funk and told him that I was sad. He told me that he was so sorry for how I was feeling.

I have noticed something lately. I have noticed that when he talks to me, especially when he is apologizing or telling me something deep, that he looks me right in the eyes. Almost like he is looking into me. It is an incredible feeling. It takes my breath away.

I have noticed something else. Every time he walks by me or up to me he reaches out to touch me. It makes me feel so loved. So noticed. So wanted.

I think that he has changed. I think that he was changed that night but had no idea what those changes were. I think we have a long way to go. I think it is going to still be hard but I think that his heart is here. I think that he has given himself back to me. Back to us.

312 days. We are healing.