Christmas

Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.

We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.

We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.

My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.

I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.

I'm saving what I got him for another day.

Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!

Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.

We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.

What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.

Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.

I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.

The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.

I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.

A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.

I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.

I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.

I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.

I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.

291 days. Lead us.

The Little Things

Day 56: I didn't think that the upcoming days were going to be difficult but they have been on my mind all evening. I know that the affair that he had with the one (of soooooooo many) woman who I actually knew started the week before Christmas. I also know it was the week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It is creeping in on me. The sadness, the fear, the doubts.

Maybe he will do something extra nice for me over the course of those three weeks to help me get through them a little easier. Maybe he will help carry me through. Maybe he can help me heal during those weeks instead of shattering some more.

He has been really great at keeping track of little things that I say so I have a lot of hope. There have been deliberate acts on his part to take advantage of the few opportunities that we have had to go out and have a little bit of time to ourselves. It makes me happy when it feels like he really wants to be with me. There have also been a few spontaneous gifts over the last few weeks and it warms me when he gives them to me. It makes me happy to know that he is listening when I mention things.

Just over the weekend I asked that if he were going to get me a Christmas gift that it be meaningful. A day or two after that he told me to call and make a massage appointment as part of my gift this year. I am really looking forward to knowing that the babies will be in good hands (second best only to mine!) so that I can go relax.

It's the big things that have been broken but it is the little things that now matter the most. The careful consideration when picking out a movie (it's unbelievable how many movies have affair/betrayal/infidelity related topics), the quiet I love yous, the tight and lingering hugs, the tender kisses, the delicacy in which he handles my heart now, the gentle manner in which he regards my feelings.

The thing I have been noticing a lot over the last week or two is the times at which he chooses to tell me that he is sorry. They have certainly been in the moments when I am hurting, but more of them have come as just a tiny whisper in my ear while I lay in bed at night. It is like he hears my silent cries at night and reaches out to me. Reaches out and breaks the fall just before my heart hits the ground again. Reaches out and picks up another little piece of me and puts it back in its place.

His I'm sorrys are not just those two words though. That is how they all start but they never end the same. They always include a follow up of some sort. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain. I'm sorry that I put us here. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this. I'm sorry that this makes you have bad days.

It never feels generic. It never feels obligatory. It feels like he really means it. Like he really gets the pain that I have. If there truly is a silver lining to every dark cloud than this is part of mine.

309 days. The little things.