Progress

Day 57: If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago, I would have, with absolution, said that I would be GONE if my husband had an affair. An hour from now though (plus 8 weeks) and suddenly I had NO idea what to do. Stay? Why? Go? Why? Why? Why?

I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)

We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).

A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.

I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.

I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.

So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.

I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.

308 days. I think I found US again.

Joy

Day 55: My husband was so great today. I have had a few blah days back to back. Today he kept wrapping me up in his arms (oh, how I love the way he does that!) and kissing me. I love it. I love when he does it even when I'm kinda fighting to get away because I'm in a poor mood. I love it when he does it when I am busy and doesn't quit. I love when he does it until I give in to him.

He has a way with me. He really does.

I haven't been thinking about the affairs much lately. Well, I should say that they have not been invading my every thought lately. I still think about them a lot but it is much more controlled than it used to be. It is not so encompassing that it swallows me up.

My husband has been a key factor in our healing. Just the other day he sent me this email.

Hey, 

I hope your day with the kids was good. It wasn't looking too promising when I left for work but if anyone can turn it around, I know you can. I just wanted to let you know that I caught up on your blog today (last post is from Friday as of right now) and I am glad I did. Your posts have a way of lifting my spirits. Even the sad ones are laced with an optimism that motivates me (even more than I already am) to keep chipping away at this 50 ft high, 6 ft thick wall that I have thrown up with my selfish decisions.

You are such an amazing woman. Words cannot describe the emotions that swirl within me when I think about what I have done to you. The mixture of anger and sadness makes me clench my fists and tighten all the muscles in my body. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! To know what I had all along and did not care makes me sick to my stomach and to know that we could be so much farther right now makes me shake my head.

But to know that you are still with me makes me smile. It makes me want to go out and pick up mountain and lift it over my head (but I won't for fear of a hernia). To know that I get another chance to be with this amazing woman makes me want to do everything I can to get us past this dark time and into the light so we can finally live that you did sign up for. I love you so much. 

I know that it's not quite as easy as my few words in an email make it seem. I know that the task is huge but I don't care how seemingly insurmountable it is, I will keep chipping. 

Your loving husband,

{The man that I love}

It makes me sad that he is hurting.  It brings me to tears knowing that I cannot make that pain go away. I can only pray that he lets me help him though. I pray that when I wrap my arms back around him that he knows that he is safe. That he always has been and always will be. That he is loved. That he is wanted. That I am giving all of me to him once again. That he made a mistake but there is more to him than that. That I still believe that "when God made {him} he must have been thinking about me". I pray that he has accepted my forgiveness and that one day (hopefully soon) that he will forgive himself.

My heart is still right now. My mind is at ease. My pieces are being put back together.

310 days. There is joy today.