Flaws

Day 85:  I love a broken man.

I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.

He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.

I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.

I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.

Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.

But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.

I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.

I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.

He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".

I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.

I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.

280 days. We all have flaws.

Christmas

Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.

We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.

We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.

My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.

I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.

I'm saving what I got him for another day.

Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!

Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.

We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.

What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.

Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.

I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.

The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.

I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.

A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.

I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.

I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.

I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.

I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.

291 days. Lead us.

The Grip

Day 48:  I am beginning to realize that I was in a lull for a bit. I think it was my mind (and body) taking a break from a lot of the pain that is still very much there. The last week has been one challenging day after another. We are closing in on the seven week mark and I feel like I have run out of steam. Now is the time in a race or a project where you draw from your reserves. I feel like mine are dry. -sigh-

I am struggling with how I should react. Part of me wants to put on a happy face and give myself another week or two until I deal with this again. The other part of me (I guess the piece of me that is still somewhat sane) knows that I don't have that option if I want to heal.

I WANT TO HEAL. I want to be free again. I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to be happy again. I WANT IT!

This sadness is not the same as it was in the beginning. There was so much denial in the beginning. I still have moments when I have to ask myself if this really happened to us. If I am really awake. If this is real. For the most part, though, I am living in reality. And that hurts. This hurts. I wake up in the morning and look around and it hits me again. Again and again and again. I hate going to sleep because I know that means I have to wake up and face this for another day.

This life is hard. Much harder than it should be. I just want to run away to the land of love. Unfortunately, I have realized that that place only exists in my head though. In the dreams of the little girl still living in me.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself. I don't know who this depressed person is. I am so broken. My heart is so broken.

This sadness that I have now is sadness that comes from the realization and acceptance that this is my life now. No matter what I do, where I go, or when I heal this is still going to be a part of me. This is never going away. I know I have to learn somehow to let  go of this pain. I just don't know how.

There comes a point with sadness that I usually let go. I tell myself that I have held on long enough. That I have felt it and processed it. I have experienced the pain and I have accepted it and then I release myself from the grip of it.

The grip of this sadness is incredible. It is crushing me. It is changing who I am. It is hurting me.

Oh Lord, help me. I need to let go of some of this. I feel like it is ruining me.

317 days. Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand.