Flaws

Day 85:  I love a broken man.

I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.

He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.

I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.

I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.

Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.

But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.

I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.

I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.

He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".

I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.

I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.

280 days. We all have flaws.

Numb

Day 82: Had another bad dream last night. This time it had one of the other women in it. (There are more women than I'll ever know -- more than he knows -- since all but two were paid.) This particular other women is the one that bothers me the most. I think it is because I knew her, she had been in my home, seen my babies. Ugh, it makes me want to puke.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.

I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.

I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.

I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.

This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.

I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.

283 days. Holding on.

Christmas

Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.

We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.

We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.

My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.

I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.

I'm saving what I got him for another day.

Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!

Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.

We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.

What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.

Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.

I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.

The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.

I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.

A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.

I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.

I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.

I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.

I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.

291 days. Lead us.