Day 89: I had five kids five years and under today. My three, my niece, and a friend's little one. I am beat so this will be short.
One of the gifts that our friend sent to us was a box of love postcards. My husband packed his own lunch today and right before he left I noticed the box of cards in his bag.
He's on the right track.
276 days. L-O-V-E
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Anger Visits
Day 86: Friday night was terrible. We were up chatting and it turned into a big argument. I got angry (ANGRY). Angry like I haven't been in a long time and certainly not since I found out about the affairs. I told him to go away from me and he wouldn't. It got bad. I was crying and yelling and fighting with all of me not to lose all control. He finally walked out of the room and when he came back in I was fine for a minute until he said something else that sent me right back over the edge and I again told him to leave me alone. When he came back again he finally had some sense to tread lightly and try to get things under control. After a lot of talking I came around and let him come over and hug me. We smoothed things over and finally went to bed...at 4am.
Morning was there before I knew it. It felt like I closed my eyes and opened them back up. I woke up in an ok mood but still raw from the night before. I was busy trying to make a grocery list because I had been planning a surprise birthday lunch for him with his sister and mom at our house and I was cooking. My SIL called to say that our niece was sick and she wanted to reschedule. He ended up figuring out what was going on and somewhere in the midst of us discussing all of that things went south again -- in a hurry.
I got mad but I was determined to get to the grocery store still since I have been putting it off and we really needed a bunch. I was about to leave but I was still upset so he grabbed the keys and told me I couldn't go while I was upset. Said, that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to me and I had left angry. That, even I said, that this was not ok in our marriage. (This is true but I have changed and my resolve is not what it used to be. It saddens me but it's the truth.) It all sent me spiraling... I cannot stand to feel trapped. It turns me crazy in an instant. I started yelling at him and telling him to give me the keys. That it was over (our marriage) if he did not let me go to the grocery store. On and on it went until he finally gave in.
I left without kissing him and went to the grocery store. I got there went in and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I could have spit nails. So back home I went. I didn't say much to him when I got there. I still hadn't really cooled off and I was now mad at myself for sabotaging my grocery trip -- I didn't have it in me to go back out even though the store is less than 10 minutes away.
The whole day sucked. He was in a bad mood. I was in a horrible mood. He was hardly trying to comfort me. Late into the evening he finally came out to talk to me (after I had asked him like three times if he was going to). I told him that I had no hope that we were going to make it through this. That he cannot handle me being angry. He finally realized, and admitted, that he had overlooked that my anger was spilling out over something unrelated but that it was a product of his cheating. He apologized. I gave him very little in return. I would not commit to anything. Acknowledge much. Offer anything.
I hate this. I hate who this makes me. I hate what this has done to me. I hate that I mean those hurtful things when I say them.
I have things to work on. Later I finally found some courage to beg God to help me. Help me continue to work on our marriage. In those moments (of anger mostly) it is SO hard to see that I really do want this.
I want this. I want our marriage. I want him. I want our love. I want to heal -- with him. I want to be happy.
Day 87: I took the baby and went grocery shopping. I had planned to be angry today (just to give him some more practice -- I realize how that sounds but I am afraid of a repeat) but I just wasn't. I was oddly at peace.
The store was crazy crowded but I got it all done and got back home. He unloaded all of the groceries from the car for me (always does) and we were busy trying to get ready for our company.
The day was nice. He was affectionate. I can't say that I was super welcoming but I wasn't bothered by it. We had a really fun dinner and night with our family and then we put the babies to bed and settled in to watch a movie.
We ended up spending a bunch of time researching about our endeavor to move to Hawaii and by the time the movie got started I just could not stay awake. I woke a few times to him cracking up and it really warmed my heart. He's a funny guy -- one of his very best qualities -- and he's always cracking jokes and laughing and giggling but his laugh last night was relaxed (and it made me happy).
Day 88: So where are we? We had a tumultuous weekend. Up and down and back up. We are still fighting for this though. We made it through the weekend. Through the pain. Through another hard time. I think he took some things away from the weekend. I think he added to his tools.
We got such a lovely surprise today. Our friend (from across the country) sent us some really sweet gifts. We are so blessed. She really helped our day stay on track today. God never ceases to amaze me. In my deepest sadness He sent her to me. She is an angel. She reached out to me and gave me the shoulder that I needed. I have no one in my life that I can tell. No one that "gets me" -- even though some people I love have been cheated on -- but she does. She is incredible. She always has the right words. She always picks up on things that seem forgettable and makes them timeless. She is rooting for us. She believes in us. She points out wonderful things about my husband and helps me to see the good.
We are going to spend a quiet evening together. I think we need some time to recoup. I woke up with a terrible headache and it took a lot away from our morning but he persevered and I noticed it. I can't wait to see him when he gets home in a few minutes.
277 days. I love my husband.
Morning was there before I knew it. It felt like I closed my eyes and opened them back up. I woke up in an ok mood but still raw from the night before. I was busy trying to make a grocery list because I had been planning a surprise birthday lunch for him with his sister and mom at our house and I was cooking. My SIL called to say that our niece was sick and she wanted to reschedule. He ended up figuring out what was going on and somewhere in the midst of us discussing all of that things went south again -- in a hurry.
I got mad but I was determined to get to the grocery store still since I have been putting it off and we really needed a bunch. I was about to leave but I was still upset so he grabbed the keys and told me I couldn't go while I was upset. Said, that he couldn't live with himself if something happened to me and I had left angry. That, even I said, that this was not ok in our marriage. (This is true but I have changed and my resolve is not what it used to be. It saddens me but it's the truth.) It all sent me spiraling... I cannot stand to feel trapped. It turns me crazy in an instant. I started yelling at him and telling him to give me the keys. That it was over (our marriage) if he did not let me go to the grocery store. On and on it went until he finally gave in.
I left without kissing him and went to the grocery store. I got there went in and realized that I had forgotten my wallet. I could have spit nails. So back home I went. I didn't say much to him when I got there. I still hadn't really cooled off and I was now mad at myself for sabotaging my grocery trip -- I didn't have it in me to go back out even though the store is less than 10 minutes away.
The whole day sucked. He was in a bad mood. I was in a horrible mood. He was hardly trying to comfort me. Late into the evening he finally came out to talk to me (after I had asked him like three times if he was going to). I told him that I had no hope that we were going to make it through this. That he cannot handle me being angry. He finally realized, and admitted, that he had overlooked that my anger was spilling out over something unrelated but that it was a product of his cheating. He apologized. I gave him very little in return. I would not commit to anything. Acknowledge much. Offer anything.
I hate this. I hate who this makes me. I hate what this has done to me. I hate that I mean those hurtful things when I say them.
I have things to work on. Later I finally found some courage to beg God to help me. Help me continue to work on our marriage. In those moments (of anger mostly) it is SO hard to see that I really do want this.
I want this. I want our marriage. I want him. I want our love. I want to heal -- with him. I want to be happy.
Day 87: I took the baby and went grocery shopping. I had planned to be angry today (just to give him some more practice -- I realize how that sounds but I am afraid of a repeat) but I just wasn't. I was oddly at peace.
The store was crazy crowded but I got it all done and got back home. He unloaded all of the groceries from the car for me (always does) and we were busy trying to get ready for our company.
The day was nice. He was affectionate. I can't say that I was super welcoming but I wasn't bothered by it. We had a really fun dinner and night with our family and then we put the babies to bed and settled in to watch a movie.
We ended up spending a bunch of time researching about our endeavor to move to Hawaii and by the time the movie got started I just could not stay awake. I woke a few times to him cracking up and it really warmed my heart. He's a funny guy -- one of his very best qualities -- and he's always cracking jokes and laughing and giggling but his laugh last night was relaxed (and it made me happy).
Day 88: So where are we? We had a tumultuous weekend. Up and down and back up. We are still fighting for this though. We made it through the weekend. Through the pain. Through another hard time. I think he took some things away from the weekend. I think he added to his tools.
We got such a lovely surprise today. Our friend (from across the country) sent us some really sweet gifts. We are so blessed. She really helped our day stay on track today. God never ceases to amaze me. In my deepest sadness He sent her to me. She is an angel. She reached out to me and gave me the shoulder that I needed. I have no one in my life that I can tell. No one that "gets me" -- even though some people I love have been cheated on -- but she does. She is incredible. She always has the right words. She always picks up on things that seem forgettable and makes them timeless. She is rooting for us. She believes in us. She points out wonderful things about my husband and helps me to see the good.
We are going to spend a quiet evening together. I think we need some time to recoup. I woke up with a terrible headache and it took a lot away from our morning but he persevered and I noticed it. I can't wait to see him when he gets home in a few minutes.
277 days. I love my husband.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Flaws
Day 85: I love a broken man.
I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.
He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.
I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.
I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.
Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.
But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.
I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.
I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.
He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".
I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.
I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.
280 days. We all have flaws.
I think a broken man is capable of doing what my husband did to me. Capable of acting so selfishly and recklessly. Capable of risking it all for a moment of pleasure. Capable of living a life of entitlement. Capable of hurting his one true love.
He said that it always left him feeling empty. He always knew that it would be over in a few minutes and he would get up and leave.
I think his actions damaged his already broken soul. I look at my husband sometimes and I see a man who look scared and confused.
I used to think that my husband was the smartest and funniest and bravest man that I knew. He was my protector. He was my hero. I knew that as long as I had him I had everything. I could do anything. Be anything. Go anywhere.
Sometimes, though, now I look at him and I feel sad for him. I feel sad that he has to love his wife whose heart he's broken. I feel sad that he has to wipe away the tears that he has caused. I feel sad that he has hurt, not only me, but himself so badly. I feel sad that he can't go back...because I know that he would if he could.
But, I also look at him and feel love for him. Feel proud of him. Feel a desire for him. Feel a hunger for his love. Feel completed by him. Feel empowered by him. Feel happy for him, that he has another chance.
I also think that he is a strong man. A man willing to stand up and fight for what he wants. A man willing to lay it all down, sometimes with only a sliver of hope, just to see if he can have one more day in the arms of his wife. A man who is brave enough to face the facts of his ugly affairs over and over and over again. A man who is funny enough to still get his hurting wife to laugh and smile. A man who is smart enough to still intellectually challenge his wife.A man who is will never stop protecting the heart of his wife again. A man who will never stop protecting his own heart. A man who longs to be my hero, if only that means that I feel safe again. A man who is ready to be my everything, to do anything, and to be anything to take me anywhere that I want to go.
I think his actions made him see what he always had. More often than not, I look at him and see a man who has hope and direction.
He says that he knows he is loved now. He says that he is fulfilled. He says that his wife is all that he ever "wants and needs, but most importantly wants".
I also think a broken man is capable of healing. Capable of looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the man that he always wanted to be. Capable of being a man of honor. Of integrity. Capable of accepting the gift of a second chance and never letting go of it. Capable of righting his wrongs. Capable of honoring the vows that he made. Capable of standing strong against temptation. Capable of learning what to hold onto and what to let go of. Capable of accepting forgiveness and forgiving himself.
I think someday my broken husband will only be flawed.
280 days. We all have flaws.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2 months and 18 days
Day 83: Well, I couldn't post last night. Something was wrong with the site.
I was hurting though. I emotionally crashed.
My husband caught me, but barely. It was bad. I yelled at him a few times and almost left to go to the grocery store while I was angry (something that is not ok in our marriage). The only thing that stopped me from going was that I took too long to get out the door and I was afraid that the baby would wake up hungry before I got back. So I stayed and we worked through it. All I can hope from yesterday is that he learned a lot.
I know he is trying but he still has a hard time seeing when I am having a bad day. I suppose it is because I don't have too many of them so they catch him by surprise a bit.
I was in so much pain last night and we were chatting. He was telling me some amazing things that I intended to blog yesterday so that I could go back and read them but...
I'm going to do my best to remember what he said.
He told me that I am enough and I always have been. That he is the one that messed up. He said he humbly likens himself to David. He had all that he could ever want in God but went out and tried everything under the sun to make himself happy. In the end he realized that God was all he needed. He said that he is so sorry and regretful that he didn't see what he had before.
I wish I could rewrite the prayer that he sent over to me also. It was beautiful.
I know that we are getting somewhere and we are healing with each new step that we take. It just takes time and time...time, when it is all you can count on to bring healing, well, it just takes too long.
Day 84: Today is my husband's birthday. We are 2 months and 18 days apart. Born the same year. Today we celebrated with cheesecake for breakfast, some sweet handmade cards from the babies, and a mellow day. He has a Bible on the way -- the only gift that he mentioned leading up to Christmas (I often phish for gift ideas for Christmas and then wait to buy them for his birthday so he thinks I forgot!). He has one coming from our sweet friend who is cheering us on from the other side of the country.
I thought about a big day for him. I thought about going over the top, but I think a calm, quiet day was just perfect. When he was leaving for work he kissed me and said that the day was good (or nice or something simple and pleasant like that). Inside I started to argue that it was too simple but then I saw the look in his eyes. The look that says it all. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for giving me the best gift that I will ever receive. Thank you.
281 days.
I was hurting though. I emotionally crashed.
My husband caught me, but barely. It was bad. I yelled at him a few times and almost left to go to the grocery store while I was angry (something that is not ok in our marriage). The only thing that stopped me from going was that I took too long to get out the door and I was afraid that the baby would wake up hungry before I got back. So I stayed and we worked through it. All I can hope from yesterday is that he learned a lot.
I know he is trying but he still has a hard time seeing when I am having a bad day. I suppose it is because I don't have too many of them so they catch him by surprise a bit.
I was in so much pain last night and we were chatting. He was telling me some amazing things that I intended to blog yesterday so that I could go back and read them but...
I'm going to do my best to remember what he said.
He told me that I am enough and I always have been. That he is the one that messed up. He said he humbly likens himself to David. He had all that he could ever want in God but went out and tried everything under the sun to make himself happy. In the end he realized that God was all he needed. He said that he is so sorry and regretful that he didn't see what he had before.
I wish I could rewrite the prayer that he sent over to me also. It was beautiful.
I know that we are getting somewhere and we are healing with each new step that we take. It just takes time and time...time, when it is all you can count on to bring healing, well, it just takes too long.
Day 84: Today is my husband's birthday. We are 2 months and 18 days apart. Born the same year. Today we celebrated with cheesecake for breakfast, some sweet handmade cards from the babies, and a mellow day. He has a Bible on the way -- the only gift that he mentioned leading up to Christmas (I often phish for gift ideas for Christmas and then wait to buy them for his birthday so he thinks I forgot!). He has one coming from our sweet friend who is cheering us on from the other side of the country.
I thought about a big day for him. I thought about going over the top, but I think a calm, quiet day was just perfect. When he was leaving for work he kissed me and said that the day was good (or nice or something simple and pleasant like that). Inside I started to argue that it was too simple but then I saw the look in his eyes. The look that says it all. Thank you. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for giving me the best gift that I will ever receive. Thank you.
281 days.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Numb
Day 82: Had another bad dream last night. This time it had one of the other women in it. (There are more women than I'll ever know -- more than he knows -- since all but two were paid.) This particular other women is the one that bothers me the most. I think it is because I knew her, she had been in my home, seen my babies. Ugh, it makes me want to puke.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.
I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.
I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.
I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.
This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.
I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.
283 days. Holding on.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it but, tonight, on suggestion of my friend, I am going to pray for peaceful sleep. It's bad enough to deal with this during the day.
I wonder if my sudden onset of these intense bad dreams has anything to do with the fact that I know that "this day in affair history" is another one that my husband and her were still chatting. The chatting that would lead to their second hook-up. It's been on my mind...a lot.
I hope that next year I will be able to look back and this day will have been re-written. These days all need re-written with our happy memories. Our happy life. I know it but I'm waiting on him to notice. Waiting on him to remember what these days are. I guess today I'm a bit bitter. Bitter that the details are being forgotten or overlooked or, at the very least, unacknowledged. I know that he wants to forget them...I do too, but, I can't and the only way to heal from them is to write over them.
I feel like I'm at another one of those forks in the road. Those forks that were not there when I looked at the map almost seven years ago. My options look better than they did 82 days ago but it still hurts to have to make these decisions. Tonight I want to give up. I don't want to go anywhere because I am too tired and I don't want my husband to leave because I will miss him and want him back but I just want to give up. Stop trying.
This is so hard. So incredibly hard. Hurting this much makes life seem unbearable sometimes. Living with a broken heart feels crushing. Feeling feels like falling. I don't have it in me tonight. I'm in pain and lack the stamina to pick myself back up tonight.
I cry but I feel so numb. It's like I can look and see the wound but I cannot feel it. I know that I am hurting but I can't feel the pain. Is this just a way of protecting myself? I don't like this feeling. I want to feel. I need to feel. I am feeling...but I don't feel like I'm feeling. What in the world is going on? I'm so sad. I'm so broken. I'm so confused.
283 days. Holding on.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Crazy Notion
Day 79: Saturday I triggered worse than I have in a LONG time. It was bad but my husband held me and held me and held me as I cried and we worked through it. Every time he pulls me close another piece of me heals.
It was a reality check at how far I still have to go. How not ok I still am.
On another hand...what a weekend. Well, I'm nuts, always have been, and my heart belongs to Hawaii. So, late last week I got this crazy notion to take the money that we are getting for the van and move back to Hawaii. I said something to my husband and he got that, "oh no!" look on his face. We talked it over for the night and into the next day and kinda left it at letting it work itself out if it will. This will be our third serious attempt at this. We have been ready to leave it all behind twice before but other things have come up and we have put it aside.
I'm excited. This weekend we decided that if a job falls into place for my husband that we are going to do it.
We need to. It is where we want to be. It is where we belong.
Day 80: Another day stuck at home but we are doing our best to make the most of it. We ended the day by watching the movie Fireproof. It was a movie that I saw recommended on an infidelity forum. I didn't really know what it was about but it did hit some major cords with us.
He borrowed a line from the movie and said, "Welcome to the new normal." Then went on to say that this is the new normal that we are living in. The way things are now are certainly welcomed and noticed but a bit scary to cling to at times for fear that they may all be taken from me. I try not the let that stop me from embracing them though. He said that he'll be in the new normal waiting for me whenever I am ready. I think I'm ready. I think I live there most of the time. It is just the bad moments when I draw back...
Still learning to lean on him when it's hard to do.
I think I always knew that marriage was fragile. I can remember having conversations with my husband about keeping our minds guarded in order to insure that our hearts were guarded. Looking back I realize that it was too late for him, but it is always something that I have been aware of.
Since finding out about his affairs I still have kept my thoughts guarded. There was certainly time when I thought about the babies and I being on our own. When I thought about what life would be like without my husband and their Daddy. What the future would look like if I walked away but other than that my thoughts have remained pure.
I still think the world of my (broken) husband. He is still that only one that I want. He is still the one that I want to make happy. He is still the one that I love and cherish and need.
Day 81: I had the most horrible dream last night. I've been plagued with bad dreams since shortly after I found out about everything but this one was, by far, the worst. It was totally related to the affairs and our life now. My husband just held me and comforted me and told me that I was safe. After we got up for the day, he held me again and told me that he is never leaving. That he is here and will be here.
The day was cruising right along until I heard that someone else in our circle of friends and family is facing divorce because of infidelity. This is the third couple in less than three months, not counting us. What is happening? I feel like I cannot get away from it. I feel like it is closing in around me. It hurts. It just rips into me. I cannot believe it. Why?!?! Why? Why? Why?
I managed to clear my head once my husband left for work and not let it totally ruin my day. I instead worked on a gift for my husband's birthday that is on Thursday and focused on making him happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and his response was, "I have everything I want."
Well, he will be getting a Bible (something that he mentioned) and something else that I am working on.
284 days. This year is off to a good start.
It was a reality check at how far I still have to go. How not ok I still am.
On another hand...what a weekend. Well, I'm nuts, always have been, and my heart belongs to Hawaii. So, late last week I got this crazy notion to take the money that we are getting for the van and move back to Hawaii. I said something to my husband and he got that, "oh no!" look on his face. We talked it over for the night and into the next day and kinda left it at letting it work itself out if it will. This will be our third serious attempt at this. We have been ready to leave it all behind twice before but other things have come up and we have put it aside.
I'm excited. This weekend we decided that if a job falls into place for my husband that we are going to do it.
We need to. It is where we want to be. It is where we belong.
Day 80: Another day stuck at home but we are doing our best to make the most of it. We ended the day by watching the movie Fireproof. It was a movie that I saw recommended on an infidelity forum. I didn't really know what it was about but it did hit some major cords with us.
He borrowed a line from the movie and said, "Welcome to the new normal." Then went on to say that this is the new normal that we are living in. The way things are now are certainly welcomed and noticed but a bit scary to cling to at times for fear that they may all be taken from me. I try not the let that stop me from embracing them though. He said that he'll be in the new normal waiting for me whenever I am ready. I think I'm ready. I think I live there most of the time. It is just the bad moments when I draw back...
Still learning to lean on him when it's hard to do.
I think I always knew that marriage was fragile. I can remember having conversations with my husband about keeping our minds guarded in order to insure that our hearts were guarded. Looking back I realize that it was too late for him, but it is always something that I have been aware of.
Since finding out about his affairs I still have kept my thoughts guarded. There was certainly time when I thought about the babies and I being on our own. When I thought about what life would be like without my husband and their Daddy. What the future would look like if I walked away but other than that my thoughts have remained pure.
I still think the world of my (broken) husband. He is still that only one that I want. He is still the one that I want to make happy. He is still the one that I love and cherish and need.
Day 81: I had the most horrible dream last night. I've been plagued with bad dreams since shortly after I found out about everything but this one was, by far, the worst. It was totally related to the affairs and our life now. My husband just held me and comforted me and told me that I was safe. After we got up for the day, he held me again and told me that he is never leaving. That he is here and will be here.
The day was cruising right along until I heard that someone else in our circle of friends and family is facing divorce because of infidelity. This is the third couple in less than three months, not counting us. What is happening? I feel like I cannot get away from it. I feel like it is closing in around me. It hurts. It just rips into me. I cannot believe it. Why?!?! Why? Why? Why?
I managed to clear my head once my husband left for work and not let it totally ruin my day. I instead worked on a gift for my husband's birthday that is on Thursday and focused on making him happy.
I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and his response was, "I have everything I want."
Well, he will be getting a Bible (something that he mentioned) and something else that I am working on.
284 days. This year is off to a good start.
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