Day 78: Getting ready to ring in the New Year. We're at home. Babies are asleep. Just another day.
This year held so much good. So much more good than bad. God blessing us with another healthy baby is at the top of a very long list.
Dreaming of Hawaii. Dreaming of going back. Dreaming of holding on to the dreams of our future. Dreaming of making this life all that we want it to be.
So I say to you, Hau'oli Makahiki Hou.
287 days. It's looking bittersweet to let go of this year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Box of Hope
Day 77: For Christmas I gave him a box of rocks. Yes, a box of rocks.
It is our little box of hope, even though he says that word does not quite fit, and I agree.
On each of the rocks I wrote a word. Here is the list.
I later realized I left out believe and forgive but I can always go back and add those since I saved some blank rocks.
I gave him his gift on Christmas Eve and he made it so much more amazing than I ever imagined. He went through and read each rock and put it in his lap. Then he went back through each one of them and commented. A few examples.
He made what I was hoping to be something thoughtful into an amazing gift for both of us. As he went through each one, I just listened. I hardly spoke. He really gave me something wonderful that night. Another piece of me healed that night.
288 days. Hope.
It is our little box of hope, even though he says that word does not quite fit, and I agree.
On each of the rocks I wrote a word. Here is the list.
- FAITH
- WHOLE
- STRENGTH
- TRUST
- GENTLE
- LORD
- PURE
- CHOOSE
- DEEP
- HOPE
- FOREVER
- KIND
- HEART
- BLESSED
- ONLY
- TRUTH
- YOU
- CHERISH
- HONEST
- TRUE
- PATIENCE
- PROMISE
- LOVE
- TOGETHER
- ONE
- ALWAYS
- HONOR
- PEACE
- ADORE
- JOY
- REAL
- GOD
- SAFE
I later realized I left out believe and forgive but I can always go back and add those since I saved some blank rocks.
I gave him his gift on Christmas Eve and he made it so much more amazing than I ever imagined. He went through and read each rock and put it in his lap. Then he went back through each one of them and commented. A few examples.
- HONOR - This is what I want, he said. This is how I want to live my life.
- SAFE - You are safe with me now. I know you don't feel like it yet, but you are.
- BLESSED - I am this.
He made what I was hoping to be something thoughtful into an amazing gift for both of us. As he went through each one, I just listened. I hardly spoke. He really gave me something wonderful that night. Another piece of me healed that night.
288 days. Hope.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
If Tomorrow Never Comes
Day 76: He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy. That he wants to be everything that I need him to be. That he doesn't want me to be sad (but he will be here to comfort me for as long as I am, even if it is forever).
I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.
Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.
So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.
I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.
This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.
The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?
I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.
In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.
Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.
I want to note:
I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.
289 days. TODAY.
I keep saying that I don't know what I want but today when I woke up and thought that a back rub would be nice I told him. Considering that it relaxed me, put me (and him!) in a good mood, and set me up for a better day, I'd say that it was a great idea to tell him what I wanted. Sometimes I feel guilty for asking for things like that but I think I will keep it up and see what becomes of it.
Later in the day, after he had left for work, we found out (finally) that the insurance company is going to total out our van and cut us a check. Car shopping, again. I hate it but am hoping to find the perfect car for our family. I know that God will provide.
So while I was stressing thinking about what we have to do in the next coming weeks and how it was probably going to put me in a bad mood because of the pressure I started thinking about how I need to live for today. Live in the moment.
Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1We are not promised tomorrow. All we have is today. I want to make today count. I want to know that I did my best to love my God, love my husband, love my babies and love myself.
I am living a new life. A life I did not want or ask for. A life that I would give back if I could. A life that has changed me and hurt me. A life that promises a better tomorrow. A life that I have to accept.
This life is all I have now and it is up to me to make the most of it. I thought, again, about the fact that TODAY is all I have. I cannot live life waiting for tomorrow to be better. What if tomorrow never comes? So I will love him with all of me TODAY. I will enjoy those babies of mine more TODAY. I will do my best to smile and laugh and heal. TODAY is all that I have.
The song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks is how I am feeling. If tomorrow never comes, will they know how much I love them?
I am in a better place today. I know that it may not stay this way but I cling to days like this.
In thinking about the past few weeks and how they set me up for a huge emotional downfall, I also realized that they kind of reset me. I have been having much better days with my babies this week. We have done a craft or activity every night. My patience with them seems to be coming back. I feel like I am really, really getting more out of our days than I have been for awhile. If a few steps back, in regards to my emotional well being, is a trade off for patience and enjoyment with those babies of mine I will take it. They are growing so fast. I don't want to miss it. I want to savor it and relish in it. This has always been one of my strong suits and I am happy to see that it is returning. I need it. It makes me feel good. I say that I was born to be a wife and a mother. I really feel that it is true. I want to fulfill those roles that I love with passion and excitement.
Yep, this is the roller coaster they speak of. Yesterday I was a mess. Today I feel like I could be a motivational speaker.
I want to note:
I have this incredible friend. She reached out to me after reading my blog and always has the most incredible words for me. She sends me emails a few times a week and they always hit the mark.
289 days. TODAY.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Where did I go?
Day 75: Feeling overtaken by the pain again. I can't remember the last time I cried (really cried) with him but I sure could use a good one.
My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.
I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.
I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.
THIS IS NOT ME.
I want me back. Where did I go?
I miss me.
I miss my life.
I miss the man that I married.
He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.
I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.
I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.
I miss it all. I want to go back.
290 days. Sad.
My heart is hurting. I can feel the ache, physically. It's like things have settled down and now with nothing else on my mind this hurt is all that I can feel. I lost touch with myself over the last few weeks and with so many people around I let myself slip into fake mode for a bit too long. Now I have to figure out how to dig my way back out without an emotional disaster of feeling it all over again.
I feel like a shell of a person walking around this week. My mind feels numb, my heart aches. Where have I gone? Is this where I will stay? I hate feeling numb. I'd rather be all over the map than feeling like this. This scares me. This is NOT me. This is someone else. This is a person that is hurt and scared and lonely.
I seem to be watching myself go through the motions. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in on a stranger. Someone that has no passion. Has no love. Has no life.
THIS IS NOT ME.
I want me back. Where did I go?
I miss me.
I miss my life.
I miss the man that I married.
He has been here. He has been doing so much right. He has been giving so much to me.
I still miss him though. I miss that love that I had. The blind trust. The innocent love. The irreplaceable feeling. The security. The confidence. The dreams.
I have a new man. I have a better(?) man. I have a working-on-being a whole man but I miss the old man that I (thought) I had.
I miss it all. I want to go back.
290 days. Sad.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas
Day 72: Saturday. Christmas. We woke up and got nowhere fast. It was nice. This is probably the last year that we will be "allowed" to sleep in and mosey around once we get up.
We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.
We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.
My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.
I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.
I'm saving what I got him for another day.
Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!
Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.
We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.
What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.
Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.
I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.
The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.
I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.
A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.
I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.
I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.
I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.
I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.
291 days. Lead us.
We had breakfast, and then lunch, and then I made a birthday cake for Jesus.
We didn't even open gifts until around 3:00pm. The babies loved everything they got. They are such amazing little people. So grateful. We have done a good job, if I do say so myself.
My husband, more than once, wrapped me in his arms and told me that he loved me and that he was so thankful for us being together.
I remember after we put the babies to bed I told my husband how much I had enjoyed the day. Normally a laid back, do nothing type of day makes me anxious and leaves me unsatisfied. This day was different though. This day was good for my soul.
I'm saving what I got him for another day.
Day 73: Yesterday was another mellow day. We had company coming over in the evening so we slowly got the house cleaned up -- again!
Yesterday was also full of big hugs and thank yous and I'm sorrys. He gets it. He sees it. He shows me.
We had a great night with our family. Opened gifts, had dinner, played a game together. Lots of fun and laughter.
What a wonderful weekend that we spent celebrating the birth of Jesus and the forgiveness that He has given to us all.
Day 74: Today feels strange. After so much activity over the weekend it was numbing to wake up and have nothing to do. I have nothing to sew, nothing to bake, nothing to wrap. I felt so lonely as soon as my husband left for work.
I really enjoyed this Christmas but I am relieved that it is over. I feel like I can buckle down and start working on me (and our family) again. I need to get things around the house in a bit more order and start a new routine.
The baby is three months old today, I have been cleared since my surgery, and it's time. Time to focus on us. Time to redirect our energy.
I really think my husband is ready for this new chapter. This new year. It means nothing really. Just another boost for a fresh start.
A friend sent me the link to the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real and I sent it to my husband. He listened to it and said that it is perfect. That this is exactly what he is striving for. It really hit me hard. This is exactly what I want.
I want a man of God who puts Him first and then our family. I remember in premarital counseling when our pastor told us that marriage is like a triangle with God at the top and us the other two points. The closer we draw to God the closer we get to one another.
I feel like for years I was grasping for our marriage to be Christ-centered. For our life to be Christ-centered. It seemed like we lived a lot of it but I see now that my husband was so broken that whatever he was trying to do was not enough to rid him of the poison in his soul that was robbing him of the joy that we find in the Lord.
I feel lonely tonight. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I need to be near my husband and just rest in his embrace. I feel far from him right now. I feel a need that I am not sure can met. I feel very broken again tonight. I feel replaceable and insecure.
I feel hope though. It's not a great hope that makes me smile but it is a hope that reassures me that I will find my way back out of this pit.
291 days. Lead us.
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Festivities Begin
Day 71:
Blogging throughout the day.
9:35 - In my apron...ready to bake.
12:05 : 4 batches of goodies...biscotti, Christmas candy, & peanut butter cup cookie. Mmmmmm.
12:15 - Still need to clean the house and finish one last scarf. Time is ticking down. Feeding the baby. Looking at my beautiful babies. Praising the Lord for this Christmas together as a family.
12:30 - He just came in with my Christmas present. He got my ring fixed. I didn't even realize that he had taken it out of my jewelry box. Never a more PERFECT gift!
1:00 -Guests start arriving early. My house is still a mess and there are still baked goods cooling! Ah well.
2:00 - The festivities begin as everyone else arrives.
4:00 - I turned to hug my husband after everyone else had settled into the other end of the house...it all hit me. The realization that we could have been having Christmas apart this year. Everything. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. He held me and whispered into my ear. He's sorry. He loves me. He is so happy that we are together...today and always.
6:45 - The house is cleared out.
7:00 - More guests...different guests start arriving.
8:15 - I can't stop staring at my ring. There it rests in its place. There it twinkles unnoticed by most.
9:00 - The kids crash after a long but fun day.
10:00 - Our guests leave after a peaceful evening.
11:00 - The food is all put away. There is paper and gifts everywhere. There are a few things still to be wrapped for tomorrow.
11:30 - The house is quiet. I sit here and write and watch my husband out of the corner of my eye. Sit here and hold back tears as I think about (again) what this Christmas could have been like. I sit here and have never been more excited for Christmas morning.
Tomorrow will be a calm day. A quiet day. No guests. Just us. Our family. Just the 3 gifts that we got (mostly handmade) for our babies. We will celebrate the birth of our Lord. We will celebrate our family. It will be another day of our new life. It will be another day of love.
294 days. ..."because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7
Blogging throughout the day.
9:35 - In my apron...ready to bake.
12:05 : 4 batches of goodies...biscotti, Christmas candy, & peanut butter cup cookie. Mmmmmm.
12:15 - Still need to clean the house and finish one last scarf. Time is ticking down. Feeding the baby. Looking at my beautiful babies. Praising the Lord for this Christmas together as a family.
12:30 - He just came in with my Christmas present. He got my ring fixed. I didn't even realize that he had taken it out of my jewelry box. Never a more PERFECT gift!
1:00 -Guests start arriving early. My house is still a mess and there are still baked goods cooling! Ah well.
2:00 - The festivities begin as everyone else arrives.
4:00 - I turned to hug my husband after everyone else had settled into the other end of the house...it all hit me. The realization that we could have been having Christmas apart this year. Everything. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. He held me and whispered into my ear. He's sorry. He loves me. He is so happy that we are together...today and always.
6:45 - The house is cleared out.
7:00 - More guests...different guests start arriving.
8:15 - I can't stop staring at my ring. There it rests in its place. There it twinkles unnoticed by most.
9:00 - The kids crash after a long but fun day.
10:00 - Our guests leave after a peaceful evening.
11:00 - The food is all put away. There is paper and gifts everywhere. There are a few things still to be wrapped for tomorrow.
11:30 - The house is quiet. I sit here and write and watch my husband out of the corner of my eye. Sit here and hold back tears as I think about (again) what this Christmas could have been like. I sit here and have never been more excited for Christmas morning.
Tomorrow will be a calm day. A quiet day. No guests. Just us. Our family. Just the 3 gifts that we got (mostly handmade) for our babies. We will celebrate the birth of our Lord. We will celebrate our family. It will be another day of our new life. It will be another day of love.
294 days. ..."because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7
Thursday, December 23, 2010
For Unto Us...
Day 70: It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Hoping for the very most Merriest Christmas.
I am in good spirits and hoping to carry them through this weekend.
295 days. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
Hoping for the very most Merriest Christmas.
I am in good spirits and hoping to carry them through this weekend.
295 days. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
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