Day 47: He came home and I almost immediately started crying. I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and he came over and knelt beside me and just held me. I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. (I meant...I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to have to keep fighting this.) He responded by saying that he knows that means a whole lot but that one of the things that he loves about me is that I keep going. That I am so strong. I sure don't feel strong right now...
He told me last night that he wakes up every morning and looks at me and has the worst regret. He says that he never knew what regret was until he came clean. (I can attest that this is not regret of getting caught because I didn't catch him...he told me. I knew NOTHING and had NO suspicions.) I can see the pain on his face. I can see how badly he wishes he could take it back. I can feel the remorse.
We are in two very different places though. He, long ago, accepted what he had done to me (to us) and the night that he told me was the end of his nightmare. That night, though, was the beginning of mine. There is a tiny (demented) part of me that wishes he would have never told me.
He told me that he is happy. I know what he means by this even though I feel quite the opposite. I know that me giving him the chance to make me happy again makes his heart swell. I'm glad that he is happy. I hope that he continues to be happy and that I can make him happy along this long, hard road that we are traveling.
Today I realized something that I am not sure how to process. The week that he started the emotional/physical (not sexual) affair with his co-worker was the same week that we got pregnant with our third baby. It hurts. Last night I had put together the 3 weeks that their affair went on started the week before Christmas but I hadn't thought of that being the week that I got pregnant.
He says that he doesn't understand why God wrote our story this way but there is always a reason. (Paraphrasing here.) Within a day of us finding out that we were pregnant he went to work and told everyone the good news and then cut off contact with her. I can look at the facts and see that maybe that was God's way of putting a stop to it before it turned into a sexual affair (something that he proposed to her but did not come to pass).
I'm such a jumbled mess lately. I can't even write clearly anymore. It makes me sad. I don't feel like myself.
318 days. One day at a time.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sad
Day 44: Saturday. Well, let me start with Friday night. My husband came home and picked us up after working a half day and we went to a mall about 40 minutes north of us. We walked around and shopped a bit and then left about the time they were closing. The babies promptly feel asleep on the way home and we started talking...about everything. He drove about 100 miles that night all around and back to our house just so that we could talk. He never said anything to me but I noticed when we drove past our street that he knew we needed more time to talk.
My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.
I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.
He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.
I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.
Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.
We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.
Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.
We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.
Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.
I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.
At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.
He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.
I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?
Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.
He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me.
He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.
And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.
Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.
I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.
I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.
319 days. We can do this...right?
My heart broke some more Friday night. He told me that he hadn't been happy in our marriage. That he was fighting against me holding onto him. It hurts.
I was holding on to him because I have never felt like he wanted to be with me. Well, not never, but I have always felt second best -- to something. So I held on, TIGHT! And he pulled back and "rebelled". It hurts. It breaks my heart to know that I was right. That I really was not wrong in my thinking. Ahhhhhh, it hurts.
He asked me that night to listen to something that he was about to say and remember it. Then he told me that he is not going to ask to go out without me. That I am going to be the first one to bring it up and only then will he consider the possibility.
I was explaining to him that night that I have always been full. That he and our babies have always been all that I need. They fill me up and complete me. Everything else good in life is just extra. I could have nothing but them and I would be happy. He told me that that is how he feels now. It warmed my heart and for better or worse I am choosing to believe that he really feels and means it.
Saturday was less than happy. I woke up in a funk (too bad after our great talk the night before) and was in it ALL day long. We got out of the house again and I still could not snap out of it. When we pulled into the driveway that night he said that he was going to make sure that the night was good.
We relaxed together on the couch after the babies went to bed and then we headed off to bed ourselves. I was still waiting, as we crawled into bed, for him to pull through on what he had said but it didn't appear that it was going to happen so I said something to him. He had a hard time understanding what I was needing and eventually we both conked out before it was resolved.
Day 45: Sunday. He let me sleep in (he does this alot, though I've been trying to return the favor from time to time) and when I came out and met him in the kitchen he hugged me and apologized for the night before. Said he was sorry about how things went unresolved and that I was upset. He promised a better effort.
We spent the mid-morning putting up and decorating the Christmas tree. It is getting more exciting every year as the babies grow and get more involved. Once we were finished, we again went out to pick up a few things (he took me to the craft store and I spent some money on some holiday silk flowers!). After that we went to the grocery store and picked up a nice dinner and a movie for the babies to watch. It is our Sunday night winter tradition -- they can choose to watch a movie or go play at the playplace in town. We encouraged them to pick the movie so that we could stay home and relax after a long weekend.
Dinner was good and they enjoyed the movie (while I made cookies!) and then they went to bed. After wards we sat on the couch and talked for quite awhile. Once we went to bed things went downhill again. I was sad because all day I had, again, been in a funk and I didn't feel like he even noticed. He admitted to not noticing that I was quiet on the ride home, just staring out the window, because he was listening to a football game on the radio.
I told him that I fear that he can't do this as long as I may need him to. That he is wearing out and tiring of the work that needs done. He started to get defensive (which I get...I'm sure it sucks to carry the burden of what he has done to us...) and angry which made me cry thinking that this is how he reacted in the past.
At some point he said that I was "being hard on him" and that sent me over the edge. I think that as soon as he said it (or very quickly after) he realized what an asinine statement it was. As I lay there in another puddle of tears he came to his senses and started asking questions and reevaluating where we are.
He knows where we are, he knows the work that must be done, he overall seems to "get it". I hate these setbacks but they are definitely not deal breakers. I have never wanted him to be perfect (how boring would that be?) and certainly don't expect that from him now but I do expect the best from him. I am giving this my all and I hope that he sees that.
I cried and cried and cried last night. He held me and I wept. And he held me tighter and told me to let it all out. And I did. Cried like I did in the first few days. Cried until I had to stop because my head felt like it would explode. I feel like I worked through some more stuff last night though. Feel like we reached a new level of understanding and honesty. Feel like we healed a little more. Why does there have to be pain in healing? Why?
Why...I hate that question. Everytime I hear that in my head I immediately think why are we here? Why did he cheat? Why didn't he love me enough? Why? Why? Why? Ugh...carrying on.
He held me until I was done crying and then held me tighter when I was finished. He whispered to me that he chooses us. He chooses me. That he was so thankful that I had given us another chance. So thankful for letting him be here with me. So thankful for being here to hold me. He whispered to me and held me as I cried silently while I processed some more. He held me.
He held me as I whispered to him that we are going to make it. That I don't know how to be strong all of the time and that scares me. He told me that it is ok. That it's nothing new and that that is what we are -- a team. We are here for each other. To pick each other up. To be strong when the other can't be.
And then we made love. Goodness, I love this man.
Day 46: Today was just another day. I think I am too tired to remember today actually. We slept in a bit. I finally got up and got some over due things done. He got up and helped me clean up a bit and we made lunch together.
I think that I am just going through a really sad phase. Not a lot of other emotions are making their way to the surface. I guess I just have to work through it. It is so hard to fight the urge to stuff it down but I know that it will only hurt me (and us). I have to work through this. I have to face it and deal with it. I really don't want to but I have to heal. I want to heal. So here I go...again. Time to again find my determination and beat this.
I'm scared but I have no other choice. I'm scared because I feel like I have been holding myself up for the last 6 weeks and now I think I have to lean on my husband. I guess here comes the true test. I was wondering when we were going to get here. I wanted to avoid it...sad, but true. Gosh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt again. Afraid that he doesn't have what it takes. I have to think that he does but what if he doesn't? It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt to fall again.
319 days. We can do this...right?
Friday, November 26, 2010
Forgiveness
Day 43: I love the day after Thanksgiving almost as much as I love Thanksgiving. No, I did not go shopping this morning! It is the day that we put up our Christmas tree and get ready for the festivities that surround the birth of our Lord!
Today we decided that after my husband's half shift is over at work (I can't tell you how happy I am that he will be home before the babies go to bed!) that we are going to go out and pick up a few things. No crazy shopping but pick up any good deals that fit the people we are shopping for. Tomorrow we will put up our tree and decorate. It will be a fun Saturday morning. I am going to make some homemade cinnamon rolls, he will make coffee (and I will sip my 1/4 cup well into the afternoon after reheating many times) and we will put on holiday music.
I really enjoy Christmas. I love that, as a family, we have a tradition of only buying the babies 3 gifts each, just as Jesus received 3 gifts, in the theme of J-O-Y (Jesus-Others-You). I love that my little man has already asked me what kind of cake we are going to make for Jesus. I love that they sing Jesus Loves Me, and other Bible songs, spontaneously. I love the idea of friends and family and food and love. I love the gift that Jesus gave us all, forgiveness. I love it.
Forgiveness. I love that forgiveness with Jesus is so easy. All you have to do is ASK.
In all of this I have tried to ask myself how Jesus would react to me. Would he grant me forgiveness if I asked? Yes. So I have given it to my husband. I have forgiven my husband.
For some, an affair (or many affairs in my case) ruins the holidays. It reminds them of better days and happier memories. For me I choose to not let this take away our holidays. I choose to be as much like Jesus as I can.
I am not sure what I will buy my husband this year for Christmas, but I do know that everyday I will again give him forgiveness until I feel like we are healed from this. I hope this Christmas it is the best gift that he receives.
322 days. Let the festivities begin!
Today we decided that after my husband's half shift is over at work (I can't tell you how happy I am that he will be home before the babies go to bed!) that we are going to go out and pick up a few things. No crazy shopping but pick up any good deals that fit the people we are shopping for. Tomorrow we will put up our tree and decorate. It will be a fun Saturday morning. I am going to make some homemade cinnamon rolls, he will make coffee (and I will sip my 1/4 cup well into the afternoon after reheating many times) and we will put on holiday music.
I really enjoy Christmas. I love that, as a family, we have a tradition of only buying the babies 3 gifts each, just as Jesus received 3 gifts, in the theme of J-O-Y (Jesus-Others-You). I love that my little man has already asked me what kind of cake we are going to make for Jesus. I love that they sing Jesus Loves Me, and other Bible songs, spontaneously. I love the idea of friends and family and food and love. I love the gift that Jesus gave us all, forgiveness. I love it.
Forgiveness. I love that forgiveness with Jesus is so easy. All you have to do is ASK.
In all of this I have tried to ask myself how Jesus would react to me. Would he grant me forgiveness if I asked? Yes. So I have given it to my husband. I have forgiven my husband.
For some, an affair (or many affairs in my case) ruins the holidays. It reminds them of better days and happier memories. For me I choose to not let this take away our holidays. I choose to be as much like Jesus as I can.
I am not sure what I will buy my husband this year for Christmas, but I do know that everyday I will again give him forgiveness until I feel like we are healed from this. I hope this Christmas it is the best gift that he receives.
322 days. Let the festivities begin!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
He's Thankful
Day 42: Thanksgiving Day.
From him to me. ♥
I am thankful for Your Love and for the 3 little products of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the perseverance of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the strength of it (this is something that I am only beginning grasp)
I am thankful for Your Love and for the depth of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the happiness that I truly find in it.
I am thankful for Your Love and I will never again do anything to betray it.
I am so thankful for Your Love.
323 days. ♥
From him to me. ♥
I am thankful for Your Love and for the 3 little products of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the perseverance of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the strength of it (this is something that I am only beginning grasp)
I am thankful for Your Love and for the depth of it.
I am thankful for Your Love and for the happiness that I truly find in it.
I am thankful for Your Love and I will never again do anything to betray it.
I am so thankful for Your Love.
323 days. ♥
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'm Thankful
Day 41: Wednesday.
This has made it hard to see the good but I know that it is there and so I will find it and embrace it.
I am thankful, as always, for 3 healthy babies. My heart swells when I think of how blessed I am as a mother.
We have made it almost 6 weeks into this mess and I am thankful for the strength the Lord gives me to carry on. The night that he came home and told me I was all but ok. I did not know how I would ever get out of bed again, much less, go on. With the Lord's help and guidance, I managed 4 days later to give us another chance.
I am so thankful for that.
I am so thankful that we are celebrating this Thanksgiving together, as a couple, as a family. I am so thankful that my husband has come clean and let me choose us again. Choose us with open eyes. I am thankful that he did not just walk away due to his mistakes, shame, humiliation, pain... I am thankful that he gave us another chance.
I am thankful that my babies have a great father. The amount of love that he has for them is enough to know that I picked a good Daddy for my babies.
I am thankful that he is committed to the hard work that now must be done to make us happy again. I am thankful that he has not backed down despite some very long nights. He has been here, present, since that night that he came home and came clean with me. He has been here since that night when he told me he wanted "us" to work. He has been here.
I am thankful that he has been a much better husband since he's come back to me. He has been more doting, more attentive, more patient, more kind, more understanding, more open, more protective...more for me than he was before.
I am thankful that, throughout this ordeal, I have somehow had the wisdom to know that we are still in this together. That we are a team. This alone has allowed me to move forward with dignity.
I am thankful that this Thanksgiving we are a blessed family of 5 living in an amazing country where we want for nothing.
324 days. I'm thankful.
This has made it hard to see the good but I know that it is there and so I will find it and embrace it.
I am thankful, as always, for 3 healthy babies. My heart swells when I think of how blessed I am as a mother.
We have made it almost 6 weeks into this mess and I am thankful for the strength the Lord gives me to carry on. The night that he came home and told me I was all but ok. I did not know how I would ever get out of bed again, much less, go on. With the Lord's help and guidance, I managed 4 days later to give us another chance.
I am so thankful for that.
I am so thankful that we are celebrating this Thanksgiving together, as a couple, as a family. I am so thankful that my husband has come clean and let me choose us again. Choose us with open eyes. I am thankful that he did not just walk away due to his mistakes, shame, humiliation, pain... I am thankful that he gave us another chance.
I am thankful that my babies have a great father. The amount of love that he has for them is enough to know that I picked a good Daddy for my babies.
I am thankful that he is committed to the hard work that now must be done to make us happy again. I am thankful that he has not backed down despite some very long nights. He has been here, present, since that night that he came home and came clean with me. He has been here since that night when he told me he wanted "us" to work. He has been here.
I am thankful that he has been a much better husband since he's come back to me. He has been more doting, more attentive, more patient, more kind, more understanding, more open, more protective...more for me than he was before.
I am thankful that, throughout this ordeal, I have somehow had the wisdom to know that we are still in this together. That we are a team. This alone has allowed me to move forward with dignity.
I am thankful that this Thanksgiving we are a blessed family of 5 living in an amazing country where we want for nothing.
324 days. I'm thankful.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
To You
Dear Husband,
That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.
I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.
Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.
I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.
I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.
I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally -- and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".
I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.
Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.
Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.
The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.
I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.
Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.
God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.
These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.
Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.
It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.
It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.
I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.
I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.
You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.
Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.
I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.
I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.
I will love you forever.
Your Devoted Wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.
That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.
I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.
Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.
I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.
I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.
I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally -- and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".
I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.
Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.
Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.
The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.
I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.
Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.
God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.
These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.
Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.
It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.
It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.
I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.
I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.
You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.
Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.
I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.
I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.
I will love you forever.
Your Devoted Wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Change
Day 37: Saturday. We went out as a family and had a fun day. I was so tired. It is hard for me to realize that I am still unable to do as much as I want to do since I had the surgery. I am so over this. 4 weeks cannot come soon enough when I will be cleared to lift my babies again. I just hope that between now and then I also get some energy back.
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]
I will hold you for as long as you need
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
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