Dear Husband,
That cold January day was the best day of my life. That cold January day almost 10 years ago. That cold January day when I walked in to church and we saw each other for the first time.
I was never the same after that. Not a day went by that I didn't think about you. As our friendship blossomed and life went on I always knew that you held a special place in my heart. A place that no one else could fill.
Life went on and we went our separate ways but somehow you were always with me. I had you tucked away in a safe place and went there when I was excited about something, scared, alone, happy...no matter what was going on I always thought of you. It was all in God's hands at that point though.
I will never forget the night, after a few long months of not hearing from you, when my roommate called out to me that you were on the phone. That was Thanksgiving Day 2002. I remember how my heart was beating as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to get to the phone. I remember hearing your voice and feeling warm all over again.
I was always so in love with you (and you knew that). Months and months went by and though we were thousands of miles apart I still held you in my heart. I can remember going to sleep thinking about you.
I think back to when I returned from being half way around the world -- literally -- and I called you first to say that I had made it back safely. I remember how happy you sounded that day but how I pushed it aside since we were "just friends".
I remember the cold May day in 2003 when I was home visiting and you and I sat and talked over coffee. I remember you telling me to go back to school and have lots of fun. I remember you dropping me off at the airport, very early in the morning, a few days later and how I walked away in tears not wanting to leave. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home with you but I got on that plane and again put it in God's hands.
Life went on as planned for awhile. At some point I prayed that God would help me let go of you. And He did just that. He helped me let go of my dreams with you and let me focus on our friendship. Our amazing friendship that I was blessed with. But still I carried you in my heart.
Those many late night conversations that we had when you would call me on your way to work soon became such a wonderful part of my life that I was shocked the night, out of nowhere, when you said that you loved me. I will never forget how my heart skipped a beat when I heard you say those words, and then repeat them when I asked, in disbelief, what you had just said. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I wish I had the words to describe the way I felt when your plane finally touched down on that island when you came to see me. Those few months that we shared while we were together in paradise will forever be etched in my memory.
The day that you asked me to be your wife...when you knelt down on that little beach...was perfect. I remember walking back along the rocky shore and our friend (that we didn't realize was also at the beach, much less watching us) pointed out that she was just watching us and thinking that we looked so happy. That it made her think of us treading through life's struggles together hand in hand.
I think back to our August wedding, only 5 months later, when I became your wife. I knew that day that we would never be the same. That we would get through anything. I remember making love for the first time ever that night.
Life quickly afforded us our first major hurdle and though it nearly broke us we made it. Not only did we make it but we came out stronger.
God then blessed us abundantly with 3 babies in less than 4 years.
These things, and countless others can never be taken away from us. These are our memories.
Somewhere in there though something broke and it didn't get fixed. That led to the terrible October night 5 weeks ago when you walked in and told me, while I held our newborn, that you had been unfaithful.
It broke my heart. It changed me forever. It hurt me in a way that I didn't know I could hurt. It took everything that I believed and challenged it. It put me in a place that I never thought I would be.
It changed us forever, it set us back but it did not destroy us.
I'm still not sure how I managed to pick myself up enough to decide to give us another chance but I am so happy that I did. I am hopeful about us.
I have known since that cold January day that we were meant for each other. I still believe that "when God made you He must have been thinking about me". My love has only grown for you since that day.
You are my best friend.
You are my safe place to fall.
You are the one who challenges me.
You are my most perfect compliment.
You are my unending source of laughter.
You are the Father of my babies.
You are the keeper of my heart.
You are the love of my life.
Without you in my life...well I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I know that you made a mistake but your mistake does not define you. I still love you. I still value you. I still want you.
I want to go on. I want to make new memories with you. I want to be happy again. This is my wish. My heart's desire.
I hope that this is what you still want. What you will always want.
I will love you forever.
Your Devoted Wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
325 days. Struck down but not destroyed.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Change
Day 37: Saturday. We went out as a family and had a fun day. I was so tired. It is hard for me to realize that I am still unable to do as much as I want to do since I had the surgery. I am so over this. 4 weeks cannot come soon enough when I will be cleared to lift my babies again. I just hope that between now and then I also get some energy back.
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.
I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.
Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.
Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.
Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.
I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.
At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.
He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.
I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening.
Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.
I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.
Oh, when can this be over?
Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.
Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.
I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.
Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].
I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added
I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]
I will hold you for as long as you need
Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.
Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.
It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.
I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.
Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.
326 days. L-O-V-E
Friday, November 19, 2010
Vulnerable
Day 36: I'm ready. I'm ready to be vulnerable again. I'm ready to feel loved again. The fear has left. I know that I love him and I want to move forward. What happened cannot be undone. We can't go back. I wish that we could but we can't so here we go. Life is too short to hang onto this pain and let it consume me. I want to make this the best that it can be and I want to be happy again.
I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.
I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.
The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.
I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.
What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.
That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.
What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.
So here I am.
Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.
329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥
I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.
I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.
I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.
The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.
What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.
That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.
What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.
So here I am.
Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.
329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Engraved on the Stone
Day 34: Yesterday was just another day in our life. Can't honestly remember much.
Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.
More on this later.
Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."
The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"
The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.
330 days.
Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.
| Engraved on the Stone |
Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."
The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"
The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.
330 days.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
STUCK
Day 33: Wow. I still have moments where I think that I am going to wake up from this. That it is all going to be a nightmare.
I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.
Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?
I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.
I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.
I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.
I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.
This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.
332 days. Praising God in this storm.
I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.
Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?
I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.
I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.
I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.
I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.
This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.
332 days. Praising God in this storm.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The First Month
Day 30 & 31: This weekend went by in a blur. I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and that combined with the medication that they prescribed made for a lot of sleepy time. I did see a nice side of my husband as he worked to take care of the babies, the house and me. I like this side of him.
My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares.
Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.
I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.
I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.
This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.
I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.
333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.
My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares.
Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.
I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.
I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.
The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here."
This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.
I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.
333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Hurting...but not how you think.
Day 29: Another Friday. My mind has not been here today though. Not on the sadness but on the PAIN. I had surgery today to repair a hernia and today I HURT. I have never known this kind of pain and I hope never to again.
This weekend will be about resting and recovering in a different way but at the same time I hope that it helps my heart heal too. I am praying that this weekend gives me a chance to really see my husband in a new light as he takes care of me. I have been the primary caretaker of our family for the entirety of our marriage so this is a new role for both of us. I am excited to see what he has in store to GIVE to me.
I am tired. It's been a long day.
336 days. Looking FORWARD to seeing if I can I lean on him.
This weekend will be about resting and recovering in a different way but at the same time I hope that it helps my heart heal too. I am praying that this weekend gives me a chance to really see my husband in a new light as he takes care of me. I have been the primary caretaker of our family for the entirety of our marriage so this is a new role for both of us. I am excited to see what he has in store to GIVE to me.
I am tired. It's been a long day.
336 days. Looking FORWARD to seeing if I can I lean on him.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I wish...
Day 28: I have so much I want to complain about right now. I am so overwhelmed and so unbelievably sad but today I think despite what I really, REALLY, want to hang onto I am going to force myself to be thankful.
I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.
I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.
I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.
I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.
I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.
I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.
So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.
These are only a few.
337 days.
I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.
I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.
I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.
I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.
I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.
I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.
So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.
These are only a few.
337 days.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Entitled.
Day 27: It's getting worse. The pain is all coming back and the worthlessness is creeping in. I feel so unattractive that it hurts. I cannot believe that this is happening. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.
Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...
I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.
I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.
He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.
I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.
I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.
338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.
I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.
Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...
I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.
I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.
He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.
I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.
I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.
338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My bubble. My safe place.
Day 26: Well, it seems like anytime I set out to have a good night it I end up crying half the night. Last night he came home and I asked him if he had any other email accounts (don't know why, just something that crossed my mind). He told me about one that he did have and said that it was the one that he used to IM the woman that he worked with (none of this was really new news). I was looking through it and happened upon her in his contacts list. It hurt. It hurt mostly because this was not a work email. This was a personal email that he never uses and the only other contact in it was me. -cries- It really sent me to the dark side. I started asking questions and he started retelling the story to me again but this time he inserted the conversation in which he told her that he wanted to see her naked and have sex with her.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Today I Am HOPEFUL
Day 23: Saturday. We had a lovely day. Our little girl turned 2 and we celebrated with family. The day was full of people and little time to think but I did find myself looking around at one point and realizing that no one knows. NO ONE knows and as of right now, no one will ever know. It's not that I cannot handle people knowing it's goes back to what I said last week. There is no one who can help me and therefore there is no reason for anyone to know. That evening when everything settled down, everyone was gone, the babies were in bed and we just had time for us it was a little sad. I was a little sad. I missed my husband while everyone was here. We did not have much time for us and it was hard when I thought about it. I wish we could run off to the middle of nowhere. I've always had that desire but, now more than ever, I wish it could become a reality.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Because
Day 22: 3 weeks ago I was sitting here on the computer thinking about starting a blog. A blog about all of the good things in our life. About all of the fun things that we do as a family. All of the excitement that goes on around here on a daily basis. All of the entertainment that comes with having 3 babies that are 3 and under! I was sitting here as content as a clam when he walked in.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Valley
Day 20: Wednesday. I could not get out of my funk yesterday. Not even enough to write more than this: This week has been very overwhelming. I feel like I am not getting enough sleep but as soon as I lay down my head gets overrun by tons of thoughts and questions. I just cannot turn my mind off anymore. I need a break, a day off...no, what I really need if for this to be a nightmare. I need to wake up and know this isn't real.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Note
Written on Day 4.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Results are In.
Day 16: Saturday. Another cold day here in the Midwest but it ended nice and steamy. I really had no idea how long it would take to be passionate, let alone, intimate with my husband again. I was thinking months at least. We went out for the afternoon to buy some warmer house clothes, went to dinner as a family, and then picked up a movie to watch after the babies were all in bed. The movie put me in a terrible mood. It was about a couple who was rediscovering the love and passion of their marriage during a traumatic date night and I just couldn't stop wishing that that is how things could have worked for us. Couldn't stop wishing that my husband would have talked to me. So after mentioning my bad mood a few times to my husband we went to bed with me feeling like he was ignoring how I felt. I finally told him how I was feeling before I went to sleep upset with him and him not knowing until the morning. He said he was just trying to talk about other things to put me in a better mood. Fair enough, I appreciated his efforts, but told him that that is not what I needed. I needed to talk about it. Get it off my chest. So we talked, made up, he kissed me and well ya know what happened after that? The end. No, not really. Ha!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Shattered.
Day 15: I am exhausted. After hours of crying we finally went to sleep some time around 4am. We got to the bottom of some things and for that I suppose it was worth it but the massive headache I woke up with, the swollen eyes and the 3 babies that need me make it very easy to say that I never want to do that again. Unfortunately, I feel like there are more nights like that in my future.
After giving me some more details about things last night, my husband admitted to holding back some information in efforts to save me more heartache but in the end, I made it clear that, it only hurts me more. I just want the WHOLE truth. None of this is easy, I know it's not easy for him, and it's not easy for me, but it's done and I want to know the answers to my questions.
Sadly as much as I want to know that none of this had anything to do with me, I was really feeling worthless last night. There were a few "encounters" that were directly related to him not being in a good place with me (in his mind) and those hurt the most. They make me feel like I have no value to him...worthless.
It hurts to know that the only person in my life who CHOSE me decided at one point that I was not good enough. Whether his reasoning was right or wrong doesn't matter. It is what he felt when he decided to let someone else in and I'm not sure how to process that. I always wanted to be his number one.
Last night I realized that I am broken and ruined and will never be the same.I may be happy again someday -- oh, I hope so -- but I cannot be the same as I was before. I feel like I was a stunning, rare, and richly adorned porcelain vase that was holding the most precious flowers within the opening of my heart and soul. I was whole in every way and my flaws were hidden so that only those who took a closer look could see. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated for what I was. There were many similar to me but none so perfect for the flowers that were made for me to care for. I had found my place in life and was more than happy doing what I was made to do. Then suddenly I was thrown to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces by the one that I depended on most to compliment me. Now I am at his hands to be rebuilt. I feel like I am worth fixing. He says he is up to the task. He says "no matter how long it takes" he will work to restore me. I think it may take a lifetime and even when every piece has been put back together the missing chips and the many cracks will still always be there. I pray that there are a handful of big pieces for him to get started on so that I can go on doing what I was made to do. Doing what I love to do. Loving on those who I was made for.
For now, though, I must carry on knowing that I will never be who I once was. I will never love the same. I will never let go the same. I will never feel the same. It's really a tragic love story when you know how much love I have to give. I have always loved my husband with all of me. To the very depths of my soul. I really hope that I get back there someday. Knowing that I am safe to love him with all of me. Knowing that my worst days with him are better than my best days without him.
I was telling him last night that it's so hard to look forward when I have no reference point to look back to. He has been lying to me since before we were married and that makes it really hard to figure out who I want him and need him to be for me. I question whether or not I really even know him or if I have just created who he "is" in my mind. Have I created a good husband and father or is that who he really is when he is with us? I really believe that that is the person that he really is when he is with us. It is so hard to make sense of it all.
Today rewarded us with a really special moment. I was baking this morning and he started to say something but, before he was even able to get a full word out, I knew he was pulling my leg (all in good fun!) and I cut him off to say that it wasn't true. He laughed about how he didn't even get a word out and I already knew what he was going to say...and, you know, it's true. I did know what he was going to say. He commented on how "well" I "know" him and, as soon as he said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks but before I could even really process my feelings he had me wrapped up in a big hug and was saying that "we have something", this is him, who he is, and that he loves me. That moment is probably one that I won't forget for a long time because that is the man that I know and love. The funny, caring, attentive husband and father. That is the man that I miss. That is the man that I want back. I want so badly to give into the love of this man that has been taking care of me for the last 2 weeks. I want so badly to let go and and let him have all of me back but I just don't know how right now. I'm just too scared still.
Learning how to fall is so much harder than falling without thinking. Can I do this?
350 days...Can I be rare, stunning and richly adorned once again?
After giving me some more details about things last night, my husband admitted to holding back some information in efforts to save me more heartache but in the end, I made it clear that, it only hurts me more. I just want the WHOLE truth. None of this is easy, I know it's not easy for him, and it's not easy for me, but it's done and I want to know the answers to my questions.
Sadly as much as I want to know that none of this had anything to do with me, I was really feeling worthless last night. There were a few "encounters" that were directly related to him not being in a good place with me (in his mind) and those hurt the most. They make me feel like I have no value to him...worthless.
It hurts to know that the only person in my life who CHOSE me decided at one point that I was not good enough. Whether his reasoning was right or wrong doesn't matter. It is what he felt when he decided to let someone else in and I'm not sure how to process that. I always wanted to be his number one.
Last night I realized that I am broken and ruined and will never be the same.I may be happy again someday -- oh, I hope so -- but I cannot be the same as I was before. I feel like I was a stunning, rare, and richly adorned porcelain vase that was holding the most precious flowers within the opening of my heart and soul. I was whole in every way and my flaws were hidden so that only those who took a closer look could see. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated for what I was. There were many similar to me but none so perfect for the flowers that were made for me to care for. I had found my place in life and was more than happy doing what I was made to do. Then suddenly I was thrown to the floor and shattered into millions of pieces by the one that I depended on most to compliment me. Now I am at his hands to be rebuilt. I feel like I am worth fixing. He says he is up to the task. He says "no matter how long it takes" he will work to restore me. I think it may take a lifetime and even when every piece has been put back together the missing chips and the many cracks will still always be there. I pray that there are a handful of big pieces for him to get started on so that I can go on doing what I was made to do. Doing what I love to do. Loving on those who I was made for.
For now, though, I must carry on knowing that I will never be who I once was. I will never love the same. I will never let go the same. I will never feel the same. It's really a tragic love story when you know how much love I have to give. I have always loved my husband with all of me. To the very depths of my soul. I really hope that I get back there someday. Knowing that I am safe to love him with all of me. Knowing that my worst days with him are better than my best days without him.
I was telling him last night that it's so hard to look forward when I have no reference point to look back to. He has been lying to me since before we were married and that makes it really hard to figure out who I want him and need him to be for me. I question whether or not I really even know him or if I have just created who he "is" in my mind. Have I created a good husband and father or is that who he really is when he is with us? I really believe that that is the person that he really is when he is with us. It is so hard to make sense of it all.
Today rewarded us with a really special moment. I was baking this morning and he started to say something but, before he was even able to get a full word out, I knew he was pulling my leg (all in good fun!) and I cut him off to say that it wasn't true. He laughed about how he didn't even get a word out and I already knew what he was going to say...and, you know, it's true. I did know what he was going to say. He commented on how "well" I "know" him and, as soon as he said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks but before I could even really process my feelings he had me wrapped up in a big hug and was saying that "we have something", this is him, who he is, and that he loves me. That moment is probably one that I won't forget for a long time because that is the man that I know and love. The funny, caring, attentive husband and father. That is the man that I miss. That is the man that I want back. I want so badly to give into the love of this man that has been taking care of me for the last 2 weeks. I want so badly to let go and and let him have all of me back but I just don't know how right now. I'm just too scared still.
Learning how to fall is so much harder than falling without thinking. Can I do this?
350 days...Can I be rare, stunning and richly adorned once again?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Insecure
Day 14: This pain is unbelievable. To think that I was going to be over this in a year seems so foolish now. I have been reading so much and it appears that I will NEVER be over this. So what now? I still need a goal to work towards for a 1 year mark. How about, not go crazy? That sounds like a reasonable compromise, right?
UGH! I was reading through some stories today and they are depressing me. Seeing people who are 25 years out from finding out about their spouse cheating on them who still cry sometimes, who still suffer from things ruining their day, who still feel the pain "as if it were yesterday". I know that I need to read these things and to connect with people who have been there and done that. I guess it's better to know now that if in a year from now I am still hurting more often than I am not hurting that I am not the exception, but the rule.
There are so many sad thoughts constantly in my head now. Thoughts about how my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, how my husband was lying to me, how my life will NEVER be what I thought it would be. How we cannot go back. How I cannot have that pure and innocent love like I did before. Why do I feel like I was wrong to blindly love and trust my husband? Didn't I deserve to be able to do that? Oh, this sucks!
I want my old life back. I want to love freely and with all of me and not feel the need to protect myself. I don't think that is ever coming back though and somehow I have to learn to accept that. This is never going away. All I can do at this point is somehow learn to cope with it. Learn what to "let go" of and what is worth holding on to. I feel like I will never be able to let go of any of it but I think holding on to all of it is going to ruin me for good.
I already feel ruined to large degree. There are many areas but the one on my mind right now is how over the past few years I had really come to love and appreciate my body. There were things that I wasn't 100% happy about but my husband is wonderful about complimenting me and after carrying and birthing our babies he always made me feel wonderful. I had really grown attached to the stretchmarks that marked the spot where my babies had grown and had worked hard at accepting most of the other things that my body had to offer. Last year I worked to lose some extra weight and was making a conscious effort to looking good for my husband and most importantly not "letting myself go". I did all of this without my husband ever mentioning one negative thing about me. I just knew that it was important that I stay connected to making him happy. It hurts now to know that that was when the bulk of his cheating was going on and it has left me feeling very insecure. Not only is my body not bouncing back after baby #3 quite as quickly as it had with #1 or #2 but now I feel like the stress is only going to make it harder.
I wonder if I will ever feel like it wasn't something about me that made him stray. I want to experience that vulnerability that comes with trusting my husband, again, I just don't know how. I want to feel good about myself again. Feel like I am beautiful to him. Feel like he loves my body.
351 days. Wonder what my goal should be...
UGH! I was reading through some stories today and they are depressing me. Seeing people who are 25 years out from finding out about their spouse cheating on them who still cry sometimes, who still suffer from things ruining their day, who still feel the pain "as if it were yesterday". I know that I need to read these things and to connect with people who have been there and done that. I guess it's better to know now that if in a year from now I am still hurting more often than I am not hurting that I am not the exception, but the rule.
There are so many sad thoughts constantly in my head now. Thoughts about how my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, how my husband was lying to me, how my life will NEVER be what I thought it would be. How we cannot go back. How I cannot have that pure and innocent love like I did before. Why do I feel like I was wrong to blindly love and trust my husband? Didn't I deserve to be able to do that? Oh, this sucks!
I want my old life back. I want to love freely and with all of me and not feel the need to protect myself. I don't think that is ever coming back though and somehow I have to learn to accept that. This is never going away. All I can do at this point is somehow learn to cope with it. Learn what to "let go" of and what is worth holding on to. I feel like I will never be able to let go of any of it but I think holding on to all of it is going to ruin me for good.
I already feel ruined to large degree. There are many areas but the one on my mind right now is how over the past few years I had really come to love and appreciate my body. There were things that I wasn't 100% happy about but my husband is wonderful about complimenting me and after carrying and birthing our babies he always made me feel wonderful. I had really grown attached to the stretchmarks that marked the spot where my babies had grown and had worked hard at accepting most of the other things that my body had to offer. Last year I worked to lose some extra weight and was making a conscious effort to looking good for my husband and most importantly not "letting myself go". I did all of this without my husband ever mentioning one negative thing about me. I just knew that it was important that I stay connected to making him happy. It hurts now to know that that was when the bulk of his cheating was going on and it has left me feeling very insecure. Not only is my body not bouncing back after baby #3 quite as quickly as it had with #1 or #2 but now I feel like the stress is only going to make it harder.
I wonder if I will ever feel like it wasn't something about me that made him stray. I want to experience that vulnerability that comes with trusting my husband, again, I just don't know how. I want to feel good about myself again. Feel like I am beautiful to him. Feel like he loves my body.
351 days. Wonder what my goal should be...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
One Day At A Time
Day 13: Last night was one of the worst ones so far. I realized that there is no way to map this all out. There is no way to know what to expect next. This is hard to accept for a "planner" like me.
Crying is therapeutic for me. I want to get it out. I feel like I need to cleanse my body of this hurt but after almost 2 weeks of daily crying it's starting to cause physical pain. I am so tired from crying. I feel like I have to take a break sometimes just so that I can function to some degree of normalcy. But I cried and cried and cried last night as I laid in my husband's arms. And then I asked WHY?
Why wasn't he this concerned about me when he was off cheating our family? Why wasn't he this invested in us when our issues were small? Why is he so unselfish now...now that I am unhappy and broken?
It's so hard to accept that this man who is wonderful to me (and our babies) in so many ways is the one who has hurt me. It's hard to wrap my head around trying to lean on my best friend (we really were best friends, not dating -- for 3 years -- before we got married) in this time of need when it was my best friend who broke me. It's hard needing, really needing, the person that betrayed me. But here I find myself needing and leaning on my wonderful, best friend who hurt me, broke me and betrayed me.
I need to say it again...can this all go away now? No. OK. Carry on, I must.
Today was one of my better days. I haven't cried today (well, I don't think I have). We took the babies out for lunch and had some time to talk about some more things. It's so easy to go out and pretend like everything is fine. I guess, maybe because that is how I really wish things still were. Wish we didn't have to take this with us everywhere for the rest of our lives. I wonder when it will ever really sink in and I will begin to accept this even though I really don't want to.
I am living with alot of despair right now. I want things to work but I also don't want to get better (be happy) because that means that I have to accept what has happened. I don't want to think about planning happy dates and going out together and having fun because that means I have to believe that it will never happen again. As of now, I still have a feeling that this is all temporary. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop so that I can really start over. -sigh- I don't want to feel this way, and I have been very honest with my husband about how I feel, but I do.
He knows that right now there is no amount of reassuring me or being open and forthcoming or consistent or any of those things that he has committed to doing to save our marriage, our life together, that is going to make me KNOW that this is never going to happen again. I hope that in time I can come to believe him but for now all I can do is hope that some day I will feel safe again. I will feel secure and whole and happy again. I will feel like I can breathe again. Until then, I have to just keep taking it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
352 days. One at a time.
Crying is therapeutic for me. I want to get it out. I feel like I need to cleanse my body of this hurt but after almost 2 weeks of daily crying it's starting to cause physical pain. I am so tired from crying. I feel like I have to take a break sometimes just so that I can function to some degree of normalcy. But I cried and cried and cried last night as I laid in my husband's arms. And then I asked WHY?
Why wasn't he this concerned about me when he was off cheating our family? Why wasn't he this invested in us when our issues were small? Why is he so unselfish now...now that I am unhappy and broken?
It's so hard to accept that this man who is wonderful to me (and our babies) in so many ways is the one who has hurt me. It's hard to wrap my head around trying to lean on my best friend (we really were best friends, not dating -- for 3 years -- before we got married) in this time of need when it was my best friend who broke me. It's hard needing, really needing, the person that betrayed me. But here I find myself needing and leaning on my wonderful, best friend who hurt me, broke me and betrayed me.
I need to say it again...can this all go away now? No. OK. Carry on, I must.
Today was one of my better days. I haven't cried today (well, I don't think I have). We took the babies out for lunch and had some time to talk about some more things. It's so easy to go out and pretend like everything is fine. I guess, maybe because that is how I really wish things still were. Wish we didn't have to take this with us everywhere for the rest of our lives. I wonder when it will ever really sink in and I will begin to accept this even though I really don't want to.
I am living with alot of despair right now. I want things to work but I also don't want to get better (be happy) because that means that I have to accept what has happened. I don't want to think about planning happy dates and going out together and having fun because that means I have to believe that it will never happen again. As of now, I still have a feeling that this is all temporary. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop so that I can really start over. -sigh- I don't want to feel this way, and I have been very honest with my husband about how I feel, but I do.
He knows that right now there is no amount of reassuring me or being open and forthcoming or consistent or any of those things that he has committed to doing to save our marriage, our life together, that is going to make me KNOW that this is never going to happen again. I hope that in time I can come to believe him but for now all I can do is hope that some day I will feel safe again. I will feel secure and whole and happy again. I will feel like I can breathe again. Until then, I have to just keep taking it one hour at a time, one day at a time.
352 days. One at a time.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Fork In The Road
Day 12: Today was a bad day. I slept way too long and then could not get anyone motivated to do anything. UGH. I cannot afford days like today. They drain any progress from me that could have been made. I moped around most of the day and then bawled right before he left for work
I am trying to find the stages of grief surrounding infidelity but everything that I search only seems to pull up grief surrounding death and as much as this feels like a death -- death of dreams, death of fidelity, death of being the only one, death of life as I knew it, etc. -- I need a more precise outline of what I am going through and will go through.
I don't know what to do next. I know that I need a goal and maybe that is what we can work on tonight but honestly, I just want to quit. I don't feel up to this anymore. I don't feel like making any of these decisions about what I should do next. I want to just have days like I did before. We had our moments (for sure!) but to me it was all about growing and learning and figuring each other out. Sure, after 6 years of marriage, it seems like forever but compared to a lifelong together I feel like we were just getting started. Strange, since we have 3 babies of our own and were headed to forever together, but I really never saw anything but a happy future for us.
How do I go on? Things are the same...but SO different. I feel like I am going through the motions right now waiting to move on. But move on to what? The road I was on has ended and I have come to a fork in the road. None of my options look good though. They all appear to include sadness, emptiness, loneliness, brokenness, confusion, fear...WHY? Why do I have to choose? Why am I here at a fork in the road? This wasn't what I saw when I looked at the map almost 7 years ago when I accepted his marriage proposal. And now that I have chosen one fork it looks like I have a lot more forks in my future. The last way I chose to go was the one with the least regrets. I chose to stay and fight for us. Our life, our love, our future. I couldn't stand the thought of never knowing if things would have worked. I couldn't stand the thought of giving up on something that I feel is worth fighting for. I couldn't stand that thought of walking away from the one man that I have always loved. But now how do I chose the next road? I really don't know. I don't even know what I have to choose from but I feel like I have to make a choice.
Suddenly I feel lost and I am without a map.
353 days. Maybe tomorrow I will have found my way.
I am trying to find the stages of grief surrounding infidelity but everything that I search only seems to pull up grief surrounding death and as much as this feels like a death -- death of dreams, death of fidelity, death of being the only one, death of life as I knew it, etc. -- I need a more precise outline of what I am going through and will go through.
I don't know what to do next. I know that I need a goal and maybe that is what we can work on tonight but honestly, I just want to quit. I don't feel up to this anymore. I don't feel like making any of these decisions about what I should do next. I want to just have days like I did before. We had our moments (for sure!) but to me it was all about growing and learning and figuring each other out. Sure, after 6 years of marriage, it seems like forever but compared to a lifelong together I feel like we were just getting started. Strange, since we have 3 babies of our own and were headed to forever together, but I really never saw anything but a happy future for us.
How do I go on? Things are the same...but SO different. I feel like I am going through the motions right now waiting to move on. But move on to what? The road I was on has ended and I have come to a fork in the road. None of my options look good though. They all appear to include sadness, emptiness, loneliness, brokenness, confusion, fear...WHY? Why do I have to choose? Why am I here at a fork in the road? This wasn't what I saw when I looked at the map almost 7 years ago when I accepted his marriage proposal. And now that I have chosen one fork it looks like I have a lot more forks in my future. The last way I chose to go was the one with the least regrets. I chose to stay and fight for us. Our life, our love, our future. I couldn't stand the thought of never knowing if things would have worked. I couldn't stand the thought of giving up on something that I feel is worth fighting for. I couldn't stand that thought of walking away from the one man that I have always loved. But now how do I chose the next road? I really don't know. I don't even know what I have to choose from but I feel like I have to make a choice.
Suddenly I feel lost and I am without a map.
353 days. Maybe tomorrow I will have found my way.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I believe in LOVE
Day 9: Saturday. Hmmm, what did we do? Oh yes, we had a family gathering. That was, er, interesting. I guess if anyone was paying attention to us they maybe would have noticed the HUGE bags under my eyes, though they would likely have blamed it on the fact that I have a newborn and not that I have been crying everyday for over a week now (with exception to last Tuesday). Fine by me. But, nope, no one noticed. No one notices anything. It is a great relief and feeling of sadness all at once.
It was another hard day. A lot of crying. A lot more questions. A lot more of the same.
Day 10: Sunday. I wanted so badly to get out of the house. I feel trapped here. Unable to really breathe sometimes. Like I am walking around in someone else's happy place because, well, this was my happy place until last Friday night. After getting most of the house cleaned --it was bad after a week of me doing next to nothing-- we did finally leave to buy some special groceries for dinner. That was one of those why-did-we-leave-the-house-trips. I forgot my wallet, which now has my debit card that my husband is almost always carrying, so he had to drive back home to get it while I waited with all 3 of the babies at the grocery store. That part wasn't that bad but it was just the total lack of efficiency that got to me. We are usually pretty on top of things. Can't say that our heads are totally clear right now.
More tears. When will they stop?
Day 11: Today. Has it really only been 11 days? It feels like my life has been shattered forever at this point. I am still really, REALLY, struggling. I just don't get it. I mean I look back and I see mistakes. I see hard times. I see miscommunication but I don't see this. Cheating. I don't see my otherwise loving and devoted husband as a cheater.
I've always been a lover even though, looking back, love has never really been that good to me.
This is all I've ever wanted in life. This. This life that I thought I had.
I married my best friend and so far we have 3 beautiful babies together. I never complain to anyone about my life...quite the opposite actually. When things are bad (like they are now) I hunker down and get through it without so much as a peep to anyone around me. It's just the way I am. I have never complained about my husband to anyone, never uttered an ill word about him, so to do it when things are rough and there is a chance of someone driving a (bigger) wedge between us is unthinkable. So unthinkable that starting this blog was a really difficult decision. But here I am, and will be for awhile.
Mondays are hard for me. They have always presented their own kind of difficulty after the weekend but now it seems so magnified. It means that I have to watch my husband drive off. It means that I have to be alone with my thoughts for hours. It means that I have to be everything that my babies need from me while I struggle with everything that is going on within.
I got through the day with very few tears but then I put the babies to bed and here I sit with way too much time to think and be alone. I have never loved this shift but it is worse than ever now. I sit here and I sob. I sit here and research how to survive this monster and I sob when it hits me what I am spending my time doing. I'd so much rather be looking through and editing old pictures. Or wasting time on some lame site that offers nothing but mindless entertainment. Or watching something completely useless. But I sit here and research and read and cry and try to grasp this reality. I just want it to go away. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to spend my time with my husband trying to work through this. I want to spend our time doing other things, fun things, carefree things. Can't we go back? I want it ALL to go away. When will it go away? Oh wait, it won't. This is my life, my new life, and I hate it. I hate that this is a part of me. I hate that this will be a part of us if we make it. I hate that life could be good in spite of this instead of without this. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I hate that I hate this.
Remember, I'm a lover. I've never hated life. Not like this anyway. Maybe moments in life but not life itself. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. I have so much to live for but really I don't want this. I don't want this to be a part of my life. I want to go back to the days when I was not sad. I was not broken. I was not confused.
I feel like I can be happy again, someday, but I don't know if I'll ever not be sad. I feel like this sadness will never go away. Like I will carry it with me forever. I don't want that but I don't know how to get rid of it.
My husband thinks we should work on a plan. Have goals. I think it is a wise idea. I need something to work towards. I feel like right now I have nowhere to go.
I believe in love. I always have. I think it is a beautiful and amazing thing. I won't stop believing now. I can't. I love my husband and those babies of mine too much to give up on it now.
354 days. I'm hurting.
It was another hard day. A lot of crying. A lot more questions. A lot more of the same.
Day 10: Sunday. I wanted so badly to get out of the house. I feel trapped here. Unable to really breathe sometimes. Like I am walking around in someone else's happy place because, well, this was my happy place until last Friday night. After getting most of the house cleaned --it was bad after a week of me doing next to nothing-- we did finally leave to buy some special groceries for dinner. That was one of those why-did-we-leave-the-house-trips. I forgot my wallet, which now has my debit card that my husband is almost always carrying, so he had to drive back home to get it while I waited with all 3 of the babies at the grocery store. That part wasn't that bad but it was just the total lack of efficiency that got to me. We are usually pretty on top of things. Can't say that our heads are totally clear right now.
More tears. When will they stop?
Day 11: Today. Has it really only been 11 days? It feels like my life has been shattered forever at this point. I am still really, REALLY, struggling. I just don't get it. I mean I look back and I see mistakes. I see hard times. I see miscommunication but I don't see this. Cheating. I don't see my otherwise loving and devoted husband as a cheater.
I've always been a lover even though, looking back, love has never really been that good to me.
This is all I've ever wanted in life. This. This life that I thought I had.
I married my best friend and so far we have 3 beautiful babies together. I never complain to anyone about my life...quite the opposite actually. When things are bad (like they are now) I hunker down and get through it without so much as a peep to anyone around me. It's just the way I am. I have never complained about my husband to anyone, never uttered an ill word about him, so to do it when things are rough and there is a chance of someone driving a (bigger) wedge between us is unthinkable. So unthinkable that starting this blog was a really difficult decision. But here I am, and will be for awhile.
Mondays are hard for me. They have always presented their own kind of difficulty after the weekend but now it seems so magnified. It means that I have to watch my husband drive off. It means that I have to be alone with my thoughts for hours. It means that I have to be everything that my babies need from me while I struggle with everything that is going on within.
I got through the day with very few tears but then I put the babies to bed and here I sit with way too much time to think and be alone. I have never loved this shift but it is worse than ever now. I sit here and I sob. I sit here and research how to survive this monster and I sob when it hits me what I am spending my time doing. I'd so much rather be looking through and editing old pictures. Or wasting time on some lame site that offers nothing but mindless entertainment. Or watching something completely useless. But I sit here and research and read and cry and try to grasp this reality. I just want it to go away. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to spend my time with my husband trying to work through this. I want to spend our time doing other things, fun things, carefree things. Can't we go back? I want it ALL to go away. When will it go away? Oh wait, it won't. This is my life, my new life, and I hate it. I hate that this is a part of me. I hate that this will be a part of us if we make it. I hate that life could be good in spite of this instead of without this. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I hate that I hate this.
Remember, I'm a lover. I've never hated life. Not like this anyway. Maybe moments in life but not life itself. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. I have so much to live for but really I don't want this. I don't want this to be a part of my life. I want to go back to the days when I was not sad. I was not broken. I was not confused.
I feel like I can be happy again, someday, but I don't know if I'll ever not be sad. I feel like this sadness will never go away. Like I will carry it with me forever. I don't want that but I don't know how to get rid of it.
My husband thinks we should work on a plan. Have goals. I think it is a wise idea. I need something to work towards. I feel like right now I have nowhere to go.
I believe in love. I always have. I think it is a beautiful and amazing thing. I won't stop believing now. I can't. I love my husband and those babies of mine too much to give up on it now.
354 days. I'm hurting.
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