Day 131: "You two have the most amazing love!"
That is a comment that someone made to me. I told my husband and he smiled and said it's true. Then he asked me how it made me feel. I couldn't quite figure out how I felt then but now I realize I feel like a fraud. I feel like, "if they only knew...would they still feel that way?" We talked about how so many people look up to us. He asked if I stuck around because of the pressure of everyone else (not that they know about the affairs but that they would obviously know if we split up). Without a doubt my answer is no. I would have left long ago if I were listening to others so staying because of them wouldn't make any sense.
He said to me that he has always felt that God put us together to do great things. I know he is right. I know that God is going to use us, and has used us, to do amazing things. I want to be in that place. I want to feel like we are right where God wants us to be. I want to feel like we have the most amazing love. I do know that his love for me now is amazing.
Last night we had a rough night and I fell asleep on the couch before he was ready to go to bed. When he woke me up to go to bed I was too tired and too grouchy to get up and I told him that I was sleeping on the couch. He never got mean and though he did get a little short, he never raised his voice. He kept himself composed and said that if I was than so was he. He brought me some blankets and snuggled up on the other end and we slept 'together' on the couch. This is a new man! It wasn't a test but he still passed. That is amazing love. He saw that there was a need -- a need to give in to my shortcomings -- and he fulfilled that in an incredible way.
234 days. Getting there.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Toys
Day 128: Oh toys. We spent four hours going through and purging the toys that have managed to overrun our house. By the time I was finished I had over five bags of things that were leaving our house plus some big things that did not require bags. It was something that we have been talking about doing for months and just in the past few weeks got serious about doing. The kids are so much happier and less overwhelmed (they had to be overwhelmed by it because I sure was) and have been so much more interested with what is left.
When we moved in late last summer I was seven months pregnant and I did not have the energy or the capability to unpack and organize us like I would have liked to. We have a goal to get everything organized and in it's place -- room by room.
Along the way I think it is crucial that we also do this in our marriage. I think there are some places that are a bit cluttered and disorganized. Some areas could use a good purge and some others that need just a light dusting.
The trick, I know, is maintaining the organization once it's put into place. The same is true in our marriage. I definitely see areas that had been left to collect dust before that are now being very well maintained. I am hopeful that we can continue adding other areas that need some more attention.
Day 129: I finally got some more things to get my sewing area in order (my toys!) so I was working on that until a bunch of my family showed up for lunch and catching up. What a fun afternoon we had.
My husband is always so great about making sure the food comes off the grill tasting amazing (yes, even in freezing weather) and so we ate well. Eventually it started snowing (after a few short days of a break) and ran everyone off. Once everyone was gone, we decided to get out of the house before it got too bad out.
Well, we've been tv free by choice for nearly two years but finally all of those months and months and months and months and months of my husband planting seeds about getting another one and a Wii to go with it paid off. I agreed to go to the electronics store but told him that we weren't buying anything. (I must admit that I had already decided that I was going to give in and let him get one.) We went in and looked around and he was just being patient and nice and even said at one point that we could leave because I was getting so overwhelmed -- seriously with all of those HUGE tvs...it was getting to me -- but we walked to a different part of the store and I pulled myself together.
After I composed myself I decided to pull the trigger -- only there was a catch. There were two sizes that he was eyeing and I knew that he wanted the bigger one (who wouldn't, right?) and so I told him I had something to ask him but he had to answer honestly. (I repeated this several times because, again, I knew he wanted the bigger one but I was afraid that he was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear -- the smaller one which was obviously less expensive.) After making sure that I was perfectly clear I asked him which one he would rather have. He kinda giggled and said that of course the bigger one but that he wanted to go over and look at them again to be sure.
We walked back over and he looked at them and then I just got close to him and hugged him and told him to get whatever he wanted. It's not something that I do often, especially when there is a lot of money involved but I really wanted to bless him.
Day 130: He went and picked up the tv this morning and stopped on the way home and got a Wii.
Oh my! Have you ever tried to hang a tv on the wall? No.small.task. But...since we have small children it was completely necessary for their safety, my sanity and the longevity of the tv. He had to leave for work right after we were finished so the game did not get set up (and I was not going to even be bothered with it). He's been really excited about this gift since last night and for all of the bursts of anxiety I've had over reintroducing a tv to our life it is totally worth his appreciation and happiness.
So tonight when he gets home (hopefully soon and safe since it's been snowing for hours without a break with near white out conditions and four hour commutes for some) I'm sure he'll get it all set up and give his new toy a try.
235 days. We all are happy about our toys!
When we moved in late last summer I was seven months pregnant and I did not have the energy or the capability to unpack and organize us like I would have liked to. We have a goal to get everything organized and in it's place -- room by room.
Along the way I think it is crucial that we also do this in our marriage. I think there are some places that are a bit cluttered and disorganized. Some areas could use a good purge and some others that need just a light dusting.
The trick, I know, is maintaining the organization once it's put into place. The same is true in our marriage. I definitely see areas that had been left to collect dust before that are now being very well maintained. I am hopeful that we can continue adding other areas that need some more attention.
Day 129: I finally got some more things to get my sewing area in order (my toys!) so I was working on that until a bunch of my family showed up for lunch and catching up. What a fun afternoon we had.
My husband is always so great about making sure the food comes off the grill tasting amazing (yes, even in freezing weather) and so we ate well. Eventually it started snowing (after a few short days of a break) and ran everyone off. Once everyone was gone, we decided to get out of the house before it got too bad out.
Well, we've been tv free by choice for nearly two years but finally all of those months and months and months and months and months of my husband planting seeds about getting another one and a Wii to go with it paid off. I agreed to go to the electronics store but told him that we weren't buying anything. (I must admit that I had already decided that I was going to give in and let him get one.) We went in and looked around and he was just being patient and nice and even said at one point that we could leave because I was getting so overwhelmed -- seriously with all of those HUGE tvs...it was getting to me -- but we walked to a different part of the store and I pulled myself together.
After I composed myself I decided to pull the trigger -- only there was a catch. There were two sizes that he was eyeing and I knew that he wanted the bigger one (who wouldn't, right?) and so I told him I had something to ask him but he had to answer honestly. (I repeated this several times because, again, I knew he wanted the bigger one but I was afraid that he was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear -- the smaller one which was obviously less expensive.) After making sure that I was perfectly clear I asked him which one he would rather have. He kinda giggled and said that of course the bigger one but that he wanted to go over and look at them again to be sure.
We walked back over and he looked at them and then I just got close to him and hugged him and told him to get whatever he wanted. It's not something that I do often, especially when there is a lot of money involved but I really wanted to bless him.
Day 130: He went and picked up the tv this morning and stopped on the way home and got a Wii.
Oh my! Have you ever tried to hang a tv on the wall? No.small.task. But...since we have small children it was completely necessary for their safety, my sanity and the longevity of the tv. He had to leave for work right after we were finished so the game did not get set up (and I was not going to even be bothered with it). He's been really excited about this gift since last night and for all of the bursts of anxiety I've had over reintroducing a tv to our life it is totally worth his appreciation and happiness.
So tonight when he gets home (hopefully soon and safe since it's been snowing for hours without a break with near white out conditions and four hour commutes for some) I'm sure he'll get it all set up and give his new toy a try.
235 days. We all are happy about our toys!
Friday, February 18, 2011
My Type
Day 126: They delivered our new furniture today. Looks like we are staying here and not running off to paradise for awhile longer. It looks good and is super comfy!
Last night we set out to make love but I just couldn't. It hurt. I felt so sad. I could feel my husband hurting as he held me and tried to comfort me. He did everything right, I just could not get past the overwhelming feelings that I was having.
Three months ago I was able to wrap myself around him and comfort him, now I feel like I can't even comfort myself. I guess this was the test that I was fearing...if he could carry both of us. He's doing a fine job at it, now that I have reached this point, but I'm ready to walk on my own again. I don't see that happening for awhile though.
I felt safe and loved. I felt his patience while I worked through everything. Everything felt genuine.
Day 127: We all got up this morning and I walked out into the kitchen without my pajama/house pants on. Oops! My husband whisked me off to the bedroom during breakfast time and we made love. It felt good to be out of the funk that I was in the other night.
Then I treated him to a pre-planned, guilt free shopping trip for some new work clothes -- his have seen better days. He looked really good today. I haven't seen him look that secure about himself in awhile. It made me happy. I realized today that I have never stopped loving how he looks. Both of our bodies have changed since we got married but he is still the same ruggedly handsome man that I fell in love with over ten years ago.
If someone were to ask me what my "type" was before I met him I would have never described him but God sure knew what He was doing because he is most definitely my type! Built like I imagine Samson was. Shoulders big enough to fill a doorway, legs like trees, forearms that give me the safest feeling when I am holding onto them. He is husky and broad. His brow gives him a mysterious look over his doe eyes -- that our daughter got from him! -- and his cheeks bones compliment his smile perfectly. His five o'clock shadow is here before noon and on day three he pulls off facial hair with the best of them.
238 days. I feel giddy.
Last night we set out to make love but I just couldn't. It hurt. I felt so sad. I could feel my husband hurting as he held me and tried to comfort me. He did everything right, I just could not get past the overwhelming feelings that I was having.
Three months ago I was able to wrap myself around him and comfort him, now I feel like I can't even comfort myself. I guess this was the test that I was fearing...if he could carry both of us. He's doing a fine job at it, now that I have reached this point, but I'm ready to walk on my own again. I don't see that happening for awhile though.
I felt safe and loved. I felt his patience while I worked through everything. Everything felt genuine.
Day 127: We all got up this morning and I walked out into the kitchen without my pajama/house pants on. Oops! My husband whisked me off to the bedroom during breakfast time and we made love. It felt good to be out of the funk that I was in the other night.
Then I treated him to a pre-planned, guilt free shopping trip for some new work clothes -- his have seen better days. He looked really good today. I haven't seen him look that secure about himself in awhile. It made me happy. I realized today that I have never stopped loving how he looks. Both of our bodies have changed since we got married but he is still the same ruggedly handsome man that I fell in love with over ten years ago.
If someone were to ask me what my "type" was before I met him I would have never described him but God sure knew what He was doing because he is most definitely my type! Built like I imagine Samson was. Shoulders big enough to fill a doorway, legs like trees, forearms that give me the safest feeling when I am holding onto them. He is husky and broad. His brow gives him a mysterious look over his doe eyes -- that our daughter got from him! -- and his cheeks bones compliment his smile perfectly. His five o'clock shadow is here before noon and on day three he pulls off facial hair with the best of them.
238 days. I feel giddy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A Long Road
Day 125: It was four months ago, yesterday, that he came home and told me everything. It feels like a lifetime ago.
Today my little girl was running around one room over and I heard the smile on her face and in her heart when she said, "I'm so happy!". I don't know what was going on or what her big brother had just done but the joy that filled my soul when I heard that was almost tangible.
I thought to myself how my husband probably longs for that day and that feeling. How he is striving, not only to fix himself but, to help me fix me. I told him tonight that I feel like I am reaching a breaking point again and he said, "Well, I'll do whatever I need to do to help you get through it. I love you." I appreciate that he does not try to talk me out of how I am feeling. That he just takes it for what it is and faces it head on. As much as he longs for that day, I do too. I want to be "so happy!". I want my heart to smile again. I want to have peace again. I can't wait to have that for myself and my babies. I cannot wait to give that joy to my husband.
I have more tears than I know what to do with anymore. I cry everyday. In the past when I have heard people say that I always thought that it must take an incredibly depressed and hopeless person to cry everyday. Now, here I sit, crying everyday. Hmmm. Guess, I never thought it would be me.
We watched a movie last night and there was a quote that struck me.
I was sitting next to my husband and we both just shook our heads.
Day 240. We're in this together.
Today my little girl was running around one room over and I heard the smile on her face and in her heart when she said, "I'm so happy!". I don't know what was going on or what her big brother had just done but the joy that filled my soul when I heard that was almost tangible.
I thought to myself how my husband probably longs for that day and that feeling. How he is striving, not only to fix himself but, to help me fix me. I told him tonight that I feel like I am reaching a breaking point again and he said, "Well, I'll do whatever I need to do to help you get through it. I love you." I appreciate that he does not try to talk me out of how I am feeling. That he just takes it for what it is and faces it head on. As much as he longs for that day, I do too. I want to be "so happy!". I want my heart to smile again. I want to have peace again. I can't wait to have that for myself and my babies. I cannot wait to give that joy to my husband.
I have more tears than I know what to do with anymore. I cry everyday. In the past when I have heard people say that I always thought that it must take an incredibly depressed and hopeless person to cry everyday. Now, here I sit, crying everyday. Hmmm. Guess, I never thought it would be me.
We watched a movie last night and there was a quote that struck me.
No matter how much you change you still have to pay the price for the things you've done. So I got a long road.
I was sitting next to my husband and we both just shook our heads.
Day 240. We're in this together.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Pulling Back
Day 124: And back down again.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.
I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.
I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.
I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?
241 days. Hurting.
Gosh, I don't even know where to start. I hate this. I hate all of this. I'm so unbelievably sad and while it is pretty easy for me to tuck it away it is just right there ready to spill over whenever things get hard.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be me again and not this mess of who I've become.
I feel like this hurt amounts to nothing.
I know he's trying. I see it. I feel it. But I just hurt so badly. I cry so much.
I feel myself pulling back. I tell myself that I am protecting myself but I know that I'm not. I'm just tired of hurting. And trying means hurting. What happens if I quit trying though. I can't just give up. I don't want to and it's not who I am. I am a fighter and a lover. I don't back down. I give it all that I have until I get what I want. Why now? Why when everything that I want is on the line do I want to give up?
241 days. Hurting.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Fun Weekend
Day 121: What a lovely day. I haven't said that in awhile. It feels good.
We left later than we wanted but we made it to our destination and decided on some new furniture.
Later we spent the evening making dinner at someone-who-we love's house. She really appreciated a home cooked meal. Then we got busy playing Wii and having loads of fun. We left late but it was worth staying up.
We have not had a Saturday that good in a long time. We both really needed it.
Day 122: The day did not get off to a good start. I was tired and grouchy and a chain of events led me to staying in bed rather than getting up to get us all ready for church. I'm disappointed in myself and I am going to keep in mind what happened so that we can go next week.
He really pulled the day together after the rough morning and we got all ready and left again. We spent the day getting a few things done but ran out of time to get what I needed to get done. He told me to drop him and the toddlers off at the house so that he could get it picked up and to take myself and the baby to the store and enjoy my time. I did just that. I went and got a few things and it felt nice to not rush around.
I came home and helped finish picking up the house and then he left with an approved guy member of our family to go to a basketball game. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the babies and approved member's wife and her little one. We did some crafts with the babies and then settled in and eventually said goodnight and I put everyone down to sleep.
My husband got home sooner than I expected which was so nice and so we snuggled up and watched something together before going to bed.
What a fun weekend we had. There were some bumps along the way but we made it.
Sometime during the weekend we were sitting together on the couch and he said to me, "I don't want the storm." I think him recognizing what was coming and equipping himself made all the difference. I really do.
Day 123: Once again he took me out to get some things done that I needed to get done. He is either putting a lot of thought and effort into making me happy or is it just coming naturally these days but either way he is doing a good job. I think I feel my face smiling a little bit right now thinking about the last few days that we've had.
I feel like we are turning a bit of a corner and, as scary as that is, I'm going to let it happen.
Oh, and we wait until the 24th of February to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was the day that he arrived in Paradise 7 years ago where we ended up getting engaged just a few short weeks later. It is corny and cheesy but it is us and we are not going to change it. Stayed tuned...
242 days. What a fun weekend!
We left later than we wanted but we made it to our destination and decided on some new furniture.
Later we spent the evening making dinner at someone-who-we love's house. She really appreciated a home cooked meal. Then we got busy playing Wii and having loads of fun. We left late but it was worth staying up.
We have not had a Saturday that good in a long time. We both really needed it.
Day 122: The day did not get off to a good start. I was tired and grouchy and a chain of events led me to staying in bed rather than getting up to get us all ready for church. I'm disappointed in myself and I am going to keep in mind what happened so that we can go next week.
He really pulled the day together after the rough morning and we got all ready and left again. We spent the day getting a few things done but ran out of time to get what I needed to get done. He told me to drop him and the toddlers off at the house so that he could get it picked up and to take myself and the baby to the store and enjoy my time. I did just that. I went and got a few things and it felt nice to not rush around.
I came home and helped finish picking up the house and then he left with an approved guy member of our family to go to a basketball game. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the babies and approved member's wife and her little one. We did some crafts with the babies and then settled in and eventually said goodnight and I put everyone down to sleep.
My husband got home sooner than I expected which was so nice and so we snuggled up and watched something together before going to bed.
What a fun weekend we had. There were some bumps along the way but we made it.
Sometime during the weekend we were sitting together on the couch and he said to me, "I don't want the storm." I think him recognizing what was coming and equipping himself made all the difference. I really do.
Day 123: Once again he took me out to get some things done that I needed to get done. He is either putting a lot of thought and effort into making me happy or is it just coming naturally these days but either way he is doing a good job. I think I feel my face smiling a little bit right now thinking about the last few days that we've had.
I feel like we are turning a bit of a corner and, as scary as that is, I'm going to let it happen.
Oh, and we wait until the 24th of February to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was the day that he arrived in Paradise 7 years ago where we ended up getting engaged just a few short weeks later. It is corny and cheesy but it is us and we are not going to change it. Stayed tuned...
242 days. What a fun weekend!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Days Like Today
Day 120: I didn't sleep well last night which was doubly unfortunate because I said that I was going to get up early and make a grocery list so we could go shopping since it's been about a month. Eek!
None of it went as planned and I ended up throwing in the towel on leaving. My husband eventually came back to talk to me after I had calmed down and said that we should still go and that he would make sure that we had a good trip.
He made good on his word.
We left late, were cutting it close on time so that he could be to work on time, but still he kept a happy face on and had a great attitude. I love this side of him. He even stopped on the way home, though we really didn't have the time to spare, and got me a sweet tea.
He busted a move when we got home and brought all of the groceries in and then left for work. I can't remember the last time we were cutting everything so close and him having such a great attitude. It really makes me happy because when I look back I realize what a good day we ended up having because he chose to make it one.
Days like today give me a lot of hope for the future. Days like today make me see the man that I want to love me. Days like today make me feel loved. Days like today show me that he can love me through this pain. Days like today put more pieces of me back together.
245 days. I like days like today.
None of it went as planned and I ended up throwing in the towel on leaving. My husband eventually came back to talk to me after I had calmed down and said that we should still go and that he would make sure that we had a good trip.
He made good on his word.
We left late, were cutting it close on time so that he could be to work on time, but still he kept a happy face on and had a great attitude. I love this side of him. He even stopped on the way home, though we really didn't have the time to spare, and got me a sweet tea.
He busted a move when we got home and brought all of the groceries in and then left for work. I can't remember the last time we were cutting everything so close and him having such a great attitude. It really makes me happy because when I look back I realize what a good day we ended up having because he chose to make it one.
Days like today give me a lot of hope for the future. Days like today make me see the man that I want to love me. Days like today make me feel loved. Days like today show me that he can love me through this pain. Days like today put more pieces of me back together.
245 days. I like days like today.
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