On the Mend

Day 99: Thursday night (after having already been sick for almost 3 whole days) it hit me really hard. I couldn't keep any food or drink in me. I woke up Friday morning and it was more of the same. I tried drinking some water but not even that would stay in my stomach. Oh my. I have not been that sick in a long time.

By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.

Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.

We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.

Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.

It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.

I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.

Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.

The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.

*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.

263 days. On the mend.

Crochet

Day 97: I was down all day with what seems to be the flu. My husband was really sweet and got me all set up on the couch before he left for work. Got the heating pad and a big blanket and then got the kids a video to watch on the computer. He then came home at bedtime and got them ready, tucked in and to sleep. I promptly fell asleep after he left to go back to work.

Day 98: Still sick and he's getting it too.

I was crocheting today and as I was working through the stitches I couldn't help but feel like it was similar to our marriage. This is the first single crochet project that I've done in awhile and it takes a long time for them to amount to much. But stitch by stitch I keep going and within a few days from now it will be a fun little purse for a sweet little girl.

The other night I was eighteen rows into the project and I noticed a mistake in row four. After gathering myself I started pulling out the stitches so that I could fix the error. It was painful but necessary. Eight rows later (again) I realized that when I pulled it out I did not pull out row four so off again I went to ripping. This time it took the drive out of me and I had to lay it down for a few days.

It reminds me so much of our marriage though. Sometimes you have to go back and fix things because they are not going to go away. Sometimes you think you fix it only to realize that it's still there. And then there are those refreshing times when you pick it back up and realize that there is more there than you remembered. The former are hard to handle sometimes but rewarding when you look back and see that it is done properly and the latter...well, those are the times that give me a boost in my motivation.

267 days. One stitch at a time.

Mount Laundry

Day 96: I'm getting sick...again. I have been feeling, for the last week or so, like my body is starting to feel the effects of all of this stress. My naturally clear skin is terribly blemished right now (but who knows, that could be from my hormones starting to level back out). My head is aching. I can feel that my blood pressure has been high. I'm sure my immune system is fighting harder these days. I need to at least start taking some echinacea to give it a boost.

My little man was praying tonight and he asked Jesus to "please help all of my family stay healthy". I believe God will answer his prayer.

My bedroom looks like Mount Laundry and I am avoiding it. Maybe tomorrow...

269 days. So tired tonight.

A Miracle

Day 93: It's all been a blur. I woke up quite numb on Saturday from having been set into panic mode on Friday. I left to run some errands -- the insurance company finally sent the check for our totaled van -- and when I came home my husband had to leave for a massage appointment. (Yes, he got a massage for his birthday and I encouraged it. Mine is scheduled for Thursday!) While he was gone I checked my email and I found this response from him having read my blog post from the night before.

To know that I have done this to you is a pain like no other. It's like knowing that you literally stuck a knife in your best friend's back. Except you ARE my Best Friend and I HAVE stuck a knife in your back. The pain that you are in and the emotional turmoil is so undeserved by you and so unfair. There are literally only a few things I wouldn't give up to take it all away from you or even to trade you places. 

You said I'm bending over backwards and you're still empty. I can bend further. And if still doesn't help, I'll keep bending.

I know it's easy to think that I'm motivated by guilt. And to a very small extent, that is true. But 99% of my motivation comes from the fact that my eyes have been opened to what I have had all along: something that most men spend their whole lives seeking. You are a beautiful, loving, devoted, God loving, beautiful (yes you look so good, I'm mentioning it twice) wife and you are the most incredible mother that I've ever seen. I want to be the dedicated, thoughtful, adoring, God-fearing, handsome husband that you deserve.

That is my motivation. I am an opportunist. I see an opportunity for something spectacular in our marriage. An opportunity that was there all along. One that I did SO MUCH to lose yet, somehow, by the grace of God still exists.

Dear God: Thank you for your mercy and grace for such an undeserving son. I do not need any more chances. I will make the most out of this one and I will accomplish the important work that you obviously have planned for me. I love You. Amen. 

Day 94: I fell asleep in the middle of a heated discussion. (I rarely do this and get on my husband when he does it.) I felt really bad when I woke up. We were both in bad moods from the night before and needed to finish talking about what we had been discussing. That did not go well. At all. UGH!

I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.

I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.

When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.

The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.

I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.

Day 95:  My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.

270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage. 

Empty

Day 92: I'm hurting. Really hurting. All the pain is rushing back at an overwhelming pace. I can't take it all right now. I'm tired and worn out. I need a break. I don't know how to process all of this. I can't go at this speed right now. It's taking me under. It's consuming me. I can't run fast enough.

I'm sad and lonely and devastated. My heart is broken and my soul is crushed.

How could this have happened? Why didn't I realize what was going on? It lasted for years. Everything that I look back on is tainted. EVERYTHING. I can't get away from it.

I somehow have to figure out how to sort this all out and then cope with it. I don't know how though. I'm forever changed and I don't know how to be me anymore. I don't know how to be strong anymore. I don't know how to fight when all I want to do is give up. It's so hard. It's so, so, SO hard. It hurts more than anything.

My chest aches. My stomach is in knots.

He's bending over backwards and I am still empty. I'm falling apart.

273 days. "God just hold me. God just catch me."

Alone

Day 91: "Some of the most exciting things as a kid were the ones that I was not normally allowed to do." YIKES!

That is what my husband said to me today during a series of spirited conversations about an unrelated conversation about him and our son.

This brings back all of the feelings of inadequacy. I cannot compete with this. I cannot compete with new and different and forbidden. I cannot.

 I don't even know what to say. He recognized that he uncovered this truth today. He says he is going to dig into it. He wants to fix himself.

I'm just tired. I'm running on fumes lately...

I love him. I really love him. I'm still here. I'm still trying to heal. I'm still working on this but I am so darn tired. When will this get better? When will this not be so hard? When will I get a break from all of this?

Last night I was laying in bed. The house was quiet. My husband was on one side of me sleeping, my baby on the other. I lay there and I felt so alone. I felt like I was the only one awake on the whole earth. It was a really empty and lonely feeling. Good thing I was exhausted and fell asleep within minutes.

Why do I feel like that though? Why, when I am, literally, surrounded by the people that I love, do I feel so alone?

My heart hurts. My tears come so easy and often these days. My soul aches.

I want a different life. I want my old life. I want it all back. I know it was all messed up...but in my head it wasn't.

He's trying, I can tell, but something is not working. There is still something missing. Maybe it is that something that we will never have again. The innocence. The purity. The security.

274 days. Part of "the why" was discovered today.

Words

Day 90: This is what my Wordle looks like since I started this blog almost three months ago. I am curious to see what it will look like in another three months. 

 

Words that make me happy to see in large text. 

• Love
• Man
• Husband
• Feel
• Marriage
• Always
• Laugh
• Sweet
• Best
• God (need to get that one BIGGER!)

Words that I hope are smaller in three months time.

• Broken
• Angry
• Sad
• Hurting 
• Never
• Took
• Go
• Needed

 275 days. You said that I will be ok.