"I want to always be a positive."

Day 65: Saturday. I had been anticipating this day for awhile. 300 days left, then 299. For me it seemed like how it feels when you are losing weight and you hit a milestone number. It was all in my head though.

I voiced to my husband about what day it was and, though it stung a little bit, he put it into perspective. He said that there is nothing waiting for us at the end of this year. At the end of these 365 days. It's true and it made me a little sad inside.

I hope that when we get to that day that I can at least look back and see that he has been true to his word. That he has grown a lot. That we have a stronger marriage. That I am his first priority. That he is a better man because he has searched and worked to overcome his demons. That he has forgiven himself. That he feels loved and forgiven. That I am back to a place where I can trust him. That I feel loved and cherished. That most of my pieces are back where they once were. That we are still moving forward with hope.

But...I know that we will also have to look back and see what we have lost. What he gave away. What he nearly threw away. What I have become because of this. How my heart hurts now. The dreams that we had that will never come true.

Noteworthy: I was fiddling with my wedding/engagement band and felt something rough. I looked down to see that one (of the seven) diamonds is loose and had just about fallen out. I am over the moon that I did not lose the stone but I am SO sad that I will be without a ring (they are all three -- engagement, wedding, anniversary -- soldered together) until we can get it fixed. Considering we have a deductible to pay and have to replace 3 car seats, I am not sure when it will get to the top of the priority list. -sad-


Day 66: Sunday. We had wonderful family come and watch our two older babies and we went out and finished Christmas shopping. I was hoping that it was going to be more fun and exciting than it turned out to be.

I think there were a few contributing factors -- I felt rushed because our help ended up arriving 2 hours late and I still wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to feed everyone dinner so I was trying to be efficient by sending him to do something in the store while I was doing something else. I was also just in a funk from the last week -- it was a taxing week, though I didn't quite realize how taxing until yesterday. He seems to be missing the mark with me, though he says he is still trying just as hard as he has been. Also, he seemed totally into what we were doing, totally in a decent mood, but maybe in the same kind of funk that I was in. We normally can have fun doing nothing so it was surprising that this was a dud.

I have been trying to communicate my feelings to him and I am either doing a really poor job or he is hearing me but not really doing anything to try to fix it.* I don't know. I am frustrated. The weekend held some really poor moments between the two of us and I told him. Nothing major -- no meltdowns. Just everyday things that are hurtful to me, us and our marriage.

He has been really hard on me about things that I am doing. It hurts. It hurts so much because I believe that he is changing. I believe that he is here now. I believe that he REALLY wants things to be great between us. I believe all of the wonderful things that he says to me. I believe that he hurts when I hurt. I believe it all. I believe that he is living an honest, transparent, open life with me now (and based on all proof he is doing everything he should be doing -- going to work, dropping by the grocery store...) BUT I am still very raw, very sensitive (hyper-sensitive, if you will), and on the edge of sadness and insecurity at any given moment.

*I was chatting with him while I was writing my blog and he put into words what I was feeling but not effectively communicating to him.

I say something.
He responds and it hurts my feelings.
I tell him that and he gets defensive because he was "just responding".
I say "it's not WHAT you said, it's HOW you said it."
He gets frustrated.
I get frustrated.
Rinse and repeat.

We were just chatting about the last week (again) and how it had been hard on me and why and yadda, yadda and he said, "I want to always be a positive."

THAT IS IT!

It's not that I can't handle him telling me that he doesn't want chicken for dinner, it's that I can't handle feeling like it was the worst idea that he's heard all week. (And maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but that's how it feels sometimes.)

Day 67: Today...well today I had a lot to rant about but it was all related to the same thing and I feel like we may be able to tackle it now. I feel like having a face-palm moment over not being able to say how I was feeling for all this time. Doh!

He did have to go into work two hours early today which made for a long day but I made it. Seriously, though, on a Monday? Mondays are hard enough.

In light of feeling like we will have some good conversation tonight I am in a much better mood than I have been since early last week. He asked me earlier what he could come home and help me with (I have so much left to make for Christmas gifts) and that THRILLED me. I wanted him to ask me so badly but didn't push it. He also told me that I "rock". When I asked him why he said, "Because you're still with me, you aren't giving up on me, your love for me is real and you prove it over and over and over." I have never doubted that he "got it" from the beginning but it is reassuring to know that he has not forgotten.

298 days. Still happy to see thin number start with a 2, even if it doesn't really mean anything more than we are a few more days away from the awful night.

Sick and Tired

Day 64: I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I was sick the same time last year. We almost didn't come home for Christmas but in the end I packed us all up and made it happen. Little did I know that I was pregnant AND he had cheated on me that week with a co-worker that I knew (and maybe a prostitute too). -cry and barf-

Ugh, it hurts to write those things but I guess I just needed to get them out.

I have been struggling the last few nights to really feel anything. I'm fighting the urge, even tonight, to just stuff it down. Stuff, stuff, stuff and not deal with it. I know that it gets me nowhere though which leads to more blah days.

We had a few hurdles this week in our healing. I got upset about something (unrelated to the affairs) and he did not take it well. He takes it so personally when I get mad. I tried to brush it off but it just bombarded our whole evening. He ended up saying that he does not know how to react when I get angry. He says that I get mean. (Maybe I do, but I don't think that is always the case.)

I think sometimes that he gets off too easily because I am quick to consider his feelings. Why, you ask? Because I love him. I never stopped loving him and I won't just spout off now because he's hurt me. I don't think that I protect his feelings but I certainly keep them in mind when I have something to say.

I can count on one hand the times that I have gotten mad since I found out about the affairs and each time he has pretty much reacted the same way. I told him that I am not sure that we are going to make it if I hit an angry stage (which, according to everything I've read, is coming sooner or later). I say that because I am not sure that he could handle me being angry for days. I am not angry by nature so I think it throws him off. He is confident that he will change it. His reaction. That he will learn how to respond in a healthy way. I guess only time will tell if he really works on it. He needs to do it not only for me, but really for him.

So, despite my hopefulness, this week has been challenging.

I've also been struggling with feeling like he wants me. As in, wants ME. He does so much right but there is just something missing in this chapter that we have gotten to. I can't even tell you what it is that is missing (so I can't tell him) but I am just feeling replaceable again.

I wonder if I will always struggle with this feeling since he, in some ways, did replace me. Ugh, it hurts. I want to be the only one. I want to go back and start over. I don't want to live with this anymore.

301 days. Not giving up...just may sleep the whole weekend though.

A Night Off

Day 63: I'm tired today. It's been a long week. I need a break. So much in my head but none of it is wanting to come out. Think I'll take a night off and do something mindless.

302 days. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Two Months Ago...I Can

Day 62: It's been two months.

Two months ago my world fell apart.
Two months ago I was sitting here as content as can be.
Two months ago my dreams ended.
Two months ago I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or which way was up.
Two months ago started the beginning of my nightmare and ended my husband's.
Two months ago my baby was 18 days old.
Two months ago I was confident and secure.
Two months ago my heart felt safe with my husband.
Two months ago I felt safe in his arms.
Two months ago was supposed to be a relaxing Friday night.
Two months ago I thought I'd rather not wake up the next morning.
Two months ago was the day a piece of me died.
Two months ago was the saddest day of my life.
Two months ago was the worst day of my life.
Two months ago is a day that I will never forget.
Two months ago.

Two months ago.

We have come a long way in two months. I still cannot say that I am happy but I do have happy moments, sometimes even happy days. I still feel like there will always be a part of me that is sad no matter how much I heal. I still feel like I will long for the life that I dreamed of. I still feel like I will mourn the loss of the dreams that were shattered that night. I still think that there will always be a part of me that hurts and has pain. I feel like making this life work is, in some ways, settling for second best. Well, it is. This is not what I wanted.

I'm still here though and I am not giving up. My husband has been amazing since that night. He tells me that he was sitting in a parking lot, not far from home, for hours while he was deciding to come clean. It still baffles me that I had NO idea. NO flippin' clue that he had ever been unfaithful to me. NO suspicions. NOTHING. How did I miss it all?

Does it really matter?

If I would have suspected he would have only lied and then the months (maybe years) of even more destruction would have begun. I'm not sure that our marriage could have handled that (but who knows, I would have never thought that it could handle this).

Those early days were some of the very worst of my life. I have never grieved like I did in those days. I have never had that kind of pain. I can still remember forcing myself to stop crying because I felt like my head was going to explode. I can still remember the way that my heart felt like it was, literally, being ripped from my chest. Oh, the pain. The agony.

I still find myself in that place some days. Weeping in my husband's arms as I let go of more of the pain. Letting go so that more of me can heal. I hate those days. I hate that I have to feel this pain over and over and over again but this is the only way. This is the only way to find happiness again.

I still struggle with the WHY? Why did he do this? Why is he "here" now? Why does he care now? Why the hard work now when it is on the brink? Why the effort now when I need rebuilt? Why did he not think about the consequences? Why was he so careless and reckless? WHY? WHY? WHY?

He's given me answers but they'll never be enough to make my heart understand. I have accepted that but I still ask WHY?

Two months ago I became a different person. I began to think that that person was going to be cold and bitter and nothing like the old me. Two months later, today, I see a lot of the old me and only a bit of the new broken me.

I can still love and love with all of me.
I can be vulnerable.
I can love like I have never been hurt before.
I can forgive.
I can wrap my arms around my husband and make him feel safe.
I can look at him and still see the man that I have always loved.
I can look forward and see hope and happiness.
I can be strong when I need to be and come undone knowing he'll be here to hold me.
I can go forward knowing that love is not lost.
I can be me.
I can heal.
I can breathe.
I can do this. 

We can do this.

303 days. We are doing this.

*If You Only Knew *

Day 61:

Written on Day 27 (11.10.10)

------------------------------------------

If You Only Knew

If you only knew what you had
If you only knew who I am

You say that you're sorry that you're late
Well I am too
You missed out on so much

If you only knew what you were trading
If you only knew what we had

You say that you'd take it all back
Well I would too
You gave a part of me away too

If you only knew where it'd all lead
If you only knew how it would hurt

You say that it meant nothing
Well I did too
You injured your one true love

If you only knew my heart
If you only felt my love

You say that you'll make it right
Well I hope so
You have so much to gain

-------------------------------------

304 days. He is making it right.

The One

Day 58: Saturday. It was a celebration of sorts. It was the day, 7 years ago, that he told me that he loved me. It was an incredible day in my life that I will never forget.

He told me a few days ago, that it was the best thing that he ever did -- telling me that he loved me. It started our life together.

While we were driving on Saturday, he reached over and grabbed my hand and said that he loved me. The way that he said it took me right back to that night.

I really feel his love again. I feel like he is here, maybe for the first time since we were married. I'm so, so, so very sad over what we have lost but so hopeful for what we have to gain. I really love this man that I married. He is incredible in so many ways.

I have always been in love with him but I feel like these days I am back to a place where I am constantly falling in love with him over and over again.

It is a good place to be.

Day 59: Sunday. We had a fun weekend with two family dinners. When we went to bed last night we were disappointed with how fast it had gone and how busy it had been, though. We made up for it as best as we could by snuggling and making (really great) love!

He makes me feel really amazing.

Day 60: My husband was reading some things today about an unfaithful husband who doesn't quite know what triggers his wife. He looked at me and told me that he knows. He knows what triggers me and when I trigger. I am pretty sure that he not only knows the subjects that do it but maybe even the look that seems like I still cannot hide when it happens. Either way, I am glad that he makes it a point to be there for me when it happens. Whether it's a hug or an arm around my waist, he never lets me go through it alone.

Today was a pretty simple day. Got up, relaxed, I moaned about the five inches of snow that fell overnight and who knows how much more is to come, we did a few chores around the house and then my husband left for work.

He usually calls me when he gets to work but today he called me on his way. We were talking and then suddenly he said, "The car is sideways. I'm gonna crash. I'm gonna crash." and then I heard that awful sound of crushing metal. I went into shock for a second and then asked if he was ok (he was talking to me on an ear piece) and he replied that he was. It is all a bit foggy and drawn out but other than some whiplash (and a bruised ego) I think he is ok. I cannot tell you how relieved I was after I knew he was ok. It was the worst feeling for that split second not knowing. It brings tears to my eyes.

God is good.

Our van needs work, we have to replace carseats, and there are deductibles to pay but, ya know, it's just money. Money that we are not dying with anyways. I won't lie, I'm bummed that we will be strapped for Christmas, since I had planned to buy him something kind of expensive, but it's ok. I will get my creative juices flowing and find some great to make him.


He seems to be taking it a lot harder than I am. Every time I talked to him today he sounded really depressed. I feel terrible. I am hoping that I can cheer him up tonight. I think this is a bit more than he can handle right now, considering that he is already dealing with his mistakes.

Perhaps, I'll give him a back rub. It's been a long time since I've done that for him.

Today made me think about how we really get through this. How we have always gotten through everything. How we have the strength to fight for our marriage. How we will allocate the money to cover the added expenses. How we still find beauty in our marriage after all of this heartache. How we will look back in time and see this accident as a blip on our radar. How we still find laughter in our home in spite of all of the sadness. How, no matter what it is, we always find a way. How we still have each other. How we still have love.

It is because of our God. Our Savior. Our Comforter and Provider. He always picks us back up. He always brushes us off and gives us the courage to keep going. He is the One who gets us through. He is the One that gives us our strength.

He always gets us through. He always will.

305 days. Lord there is none like You.

Progress

Day 57: If you would have asked me 8 weeks ago, I would have, with absolution, said that I would be GONE if my husband had an affair. An hour from now though (plus 8 weeks) and suddenly I had NO idea what to do. Stay? Why? Go? Why? Why? Why?

I think that we are in a much better place than we were shortly after he told me. We have good days now and I think I may actually even be laughing a bit more these days. I still have so many fears and doubts. There are so many questions that will never have the right answers. (Why? being one of them.)

We have been working hard though. Every question that I ask is given an answer (a real answer). Sometimes he even asks me if I have more questions (and sometimes I do).

A thin scab has formed over my wound and, though it would still easily tear right back open, it is not quite as raw as it was before. The pain is still immense. The sadness endless. We are making it though.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of healing is having to go into the pain to get out of the pain. It's like picking your own scab sometimes. Just putting a bandaid over the wound and never going back to check on it would only be asking for an infection. Sometimes I need to rip that bandaid off to be sure that the poison is still making its way out and that hurts.

I know that I am making progress though. I used to listen to the song Broken by Lifehouse over and over and over again and just weep. Today I was listening to it and I felt like there were so many lines that I now "get" that I didn't before. I remember when I first listened to it...I had NO idea what "healing" felt like. I only knew what a "broken heart still beating" felt like. I only knew what "barely holding on" meant. Now I feel like I will "be okay". I feel like there is so much more of me that is functioning now than there was in those first few weeks.

I was remembering day 3. I think it was the worst day for me. The worst day that I will always carry in my heart. I was crying in the kitchen and I felt like I would collapse but my babies were in the other room and I just couldn't, COULDN'T, let them walk in there and see their mama laying on the floor barely breathing. I held on that day. I held on to every ounce of strength in me and stood there. I stood strong when there was nothing left to hold me up. I found my courage that day. I became what I needed that day, though I didn't realize it at the time.

So much has happened in the last 8 weeks. So much more than I am ever able to put into words. We still have so far to go, but again I have hope. I have an amazing husband full of remorse and love. He is putting at least as much effort into our healing as I am. He is open with me and quick to correct his faults. He still (I still, we still) have a long way to go but I feel like we are really going to be okay.

I feel like we are a team again. Like nothing can stop us. I always thought we were invincible and I am starting to believe that again.

308 days. I think I found US again.