Change

Day 37: Saturday. We went out as a family and had a fun day. I was so tired. It is hard for me to realize that I am still unable to do as much as I want to do since I had the surgery. I am so over this. 4 weeks cannot come soon enough when I will be cleared to lift my babies again. I just hope that between now and then I also get some energy back.

The holidays are just around the corner and I am feeling happy that our family is together. The thought of the season with us apart instantly brings me to tears. I hope that he is in this for real this time.

I was thinking the other night about how I want to be towards my husband. I do believe that he messed up, and messed up in a BIG way, but I do not believe that that qualifies me for treating him with disrespect. I haven't had too much trouble with keeping my thoughts in check or holding my tongue when I do have thoughts that, if I allowed myself to verbalize, would hurt him (and us) in the long run. I think what it all boils down to is the fact that I care about his feelings. I know that many would say that he does not deserve for me to treat him kindly but I have to disagree. He is still the man that I love and I do not see how tearing him down would be justified because he made a terrible mistake. I know that he has feelings and I intend to keep them intact as best as I can without sacrificing my own healing.

Looking at that from another angle though, he has been on the receiving end of all of my emotions. He knows that he put us here and that means working through all of this if we are going to be happy again.

Day 38: Sunday. If only I had to deal with this while I was awake.

Saturday night I was plagued with terrible nightmares. I kept waking up from one only to fall back asleep and have a completely different nightmare. It was awful. I woke up feeling completely drained and in a somber mood. I knew the day held its own set of challenges because of that.

I was quick to let my husband know about the nightmares and how I was feeling so that he could help me through the day. Hour by hour we worked through the day together but despite my (and I believe his) best efforts it slowly became more than I could handle. After a minor confrontation things quickly spiraled out of control and I shut down. I felt like he was telling me that something I was doing was not good enough (something domestic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things) and that is a feeling that I already struggle with on such a deep level. It caused so much pain and so much soul searching for answers that I do not have.

At some point, I told my husband that he was reminding me of himself during the affairs. I can't be sure but, I think that if he would have been pouring all of himself into our marriage instead of being out selfishly getting what he "wanted", then he would have had more to give to me. I think he would have been more understanding, more patient, more kind...I think he would have loved deeper and with all of him. So again, I can't be sure but, I think that the way that he reacted to our argument was reminiscent of the man that he no longer wants to be.

He didn't say much, that I remember, when I told him that I didn't like how he was acting towards me but apparently he walked away and thought about it because soon enough he apologized about how he had acted and told me that he is working on being a different, better man.

I am glad to say that I can see this. I can see change happening. 

Once we put the babies to bed we watched a movie (why does every freaking movie have something to do with an affair?!?!). The movie itself was sad and somehow we ended up talking about some things.

I don't even know how the night ended how it did but I was asking questions and I ended up in a sobbing mess before I passed out eventually.

Oh, when can this be over?

Day 39: He let me sleep in. I really am so grateful for how he has picked up so much slack lately. Between the emotions I am dealing with over his infidelity and recovery from the surgery I feel useless sometimes. He has been so helpful and has not complained once, that I can remember.

Today was hard though. I feel like a mess again after last night. I feel like I have taken the inevitable "two steps forward, one step back". We are still coming out ahead but at a cost.

I am sitting here feeling like I am really about to fall apart and up pops a message from my husband.

Hey. I just want you to know that I miss you a lot. I love you so much and feel so blessed that you are my wife. I want you to know that I will hold you anytime you need to cry. I will continue to do whatever you need me to do until we get through this. I want YOU. I choose YOU. Thank you for choosing to stay with ME. YOU make me complete and I am so so sorry for the unthinkably horrible things that I did to US. I love you [Babe].

 I really needed this right now. While we were chatting he also added

I'm not going anywhere... and by that I mean the [me with more clarity]

I will hold you for as long as you need

Goodness, what I would give to have had this before all of the affairs.

Back on subject. -- Change. That is the word that has been in my head all night.

It is harder than I can tell you to put into words the emptiness that comes from knowing that he was not completely committed. That he was not loving me with all of him. That he wasn't always thinking about me or even us. It hurts. Hurts me in that dark, raw place that now exists.

I guess, all I can do now though is accept the change. The change that I see, and feel, happening. My husband, though he can say some very hurtful things, has always been generous with his kind words. Never can I point out a period of time when he has failed to compliment me, shower me with his praises of what a wonderful wife and mother I am, or tell me of his love for me. If his love were based on words alone I would have no doubt about how he feels for me.

Lately though, he has taken this to a whole new level. I cannot tell you how many times today alone he has told me that he loves me. I can really feel that he has a new love, a deeper love, for me and it feels good. Here's to hoping that his actions continue to mimic his words.

 326 days. L-O-V-E

Vulnerable

Day 36: I'm ready. I'm ready to be vulnerable again. I'm ready to feel loved again. The fear has left. I know that I love him and I want to move forward. What happened cannot be undone. We can't go back. I wish that we could but we can't so here we go. Life is too short to hang onto this pain and let it consume me. I want to make this the best that it can be and I want to be happy again.

I know there is still going to be pain. I know there are still going to be bad days...really bad days. I know that the road is still long and unpredictable. I am not going to let that stop us though. I am not going to stop us. My husband has committed himself to fixing him and us and I am going to give him fully the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation.

I believe that I could hang onto this but it would destroy me and I don't want to be destroyed. I want to live a happy life, full of love and laughter. I feel peaceful knowing that there were some really big pieces of me that my husband found and put back together. That he has been working hard since breaking me to repair me. Oh, how I wish that we could have had what we have now without all of this. Oh, I cannot even tell you. But again, we can't. We can't go back so we MUST go forward and I WANT to.

I know that he could hurt me again. I know that he has the power to break me again but I will not let that stop me. I will not let fear rule in my heart.

The book of Isaiah has tons of good truths to meditate on but this one really hits home right now.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

I knew the night that I gave my husband a second chance at our love that it was not going to be easy. At the time all I knew was that I couldn't end it never knowing if we could have fixed it. I also knew that I was committing all over knowing that I was in this for the long haul all over again. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he wanted to try again. I knew that he was sorry.

What I didn't know what just how much he loved me. Just how much he was going to try again. And just how sorry he was.

That night I was also giving myself back over to him to care for.

What I didn't give him that night though was ALL of me. I was holding back afraid of the hurt. I was always honest about how I felt and never held any my emotions back but I was holding a piece of my heart back. Hanging on to what I thought was going to save me if he did this to me again. Last night I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that if he ever does this again that hanging on to a little piece of my heart would save me from the pain. That hanging on to it would make me stronger or less vulnerable. It won't. It was a lie that I was telling myself. More than that though...if we make it, if we save this love, and I am very hopeful that we will, I don't want to look back and know that there was a part of me that wasn't there. That I still hadn't given all of me back to him and to us.

So here I am.

Am I scared? A little, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Am I foolish? Some would probably say yes. I'd like to think no, I'm courageous.
Am I vulnerable? Yes, but I'm ready for it.

329 days. Trading My Sorrows. ♥

Engraved on the Stone

Day 34: Yesterday was just another day in our life. Can't honestly remember much.

Day 35: Today I decided that I am putting all of me into this. I had already decided this on some level but today I really decided to let myself be here and present. I know that I can only control me and ultimately my husband is the one who is going to decide whether or not our marriage works. I am here. I never left. I am giving everything to fix this. I have a lot of hope.

More on this later.

Engraved on the Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey,
They had an argument;
And one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt,
But without saying anything,
Wrote in the sand:
"Today my best friend
Slapped me in the face."

They kept on walking,
Until they found an oasis,
Where they decided to take a bath
The one who had been slapped
Got stuck in the mire and started drowning,
But the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning,
He wrote on a stone:
"Today my best friend
Saved my life."

The friend who had slapped
And saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you,
You wrote in the sand and now,
You write on a stone, why?"

The friend replied
"When someone hurts us
We should write it down in sand,
Where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
We must engrave it in stone
Where no wind can ever erase it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learn to write your hurts in the sand
And to carve your benefits on the stone.

330 days.

STUCK

Day 33: Wow. I still have moments where I think that I am going to wake up from this. That it is all going to be a nightmare.

I still can't believe that this happened to us. I thought that we were so happy. That we had found a nice rut that made us happy. We were so busy as a family. We took the kids somewhere fun almost every weekend. We really made the most of our time. We did everything together and I thought that was the way that it was supposed to be. I thought that we were in this to make each other happy and in turn we would be happy. I sure was.

Now, I just don't know what to make of it all before. Almost all of my memories are tainted. He cheated on me once within weeks of our first anniversary and then started cheating on me again weeks after our third anniversary for over two and a half years. I believe than none of the other women meant anything to him. They were just new and exciting and fun. Something that I cannot compete with. How can I ever be enough just being me?

I feel like the very thing that he was after was now what he has stolen from us. There are so many things that I feel like I cannot give to him anymore. Things that I thought were just between the two of us. The thought of those things now only bring sadness, emptiness, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, pain, and anxiety. I feel like some things can never be special again.

 

I wish we could go back. I wish I could somehow fix all of this. But I know I can't. Even if we could go back I cannot fix him. I cannot make right the things that were wrong that he did not tell me about. The things that he did not even give me a fighting chance to help him fix. But I still wish that it could be like it was before.

I want to be happy again. I want to be myself again. I want to be free again.

I feel like nothing is new anymore. He has told me everything (I hope), I have run the gamut of emotions and back more times than I can count, and there are very few questions left to ask. I feel stuck. I have no idea how to move out of this stage of just going through the motions. That is exactly how I feel everyday. I feel too tired some days to let myself process so I just carry on with life's duties. I don't want to just go through the motions though. I want to feel happy in my soul and I don't.

This is hard -- I think walking away would have been easier in many ways -- but I hope that it is worth it.

332 days. Praising God in this storm.

The First Month

Day 30 & 31: This weekend went by in a blur. I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and that combined with the medication that they prescribed made for a lot of sleepy time. I did see a nice side of my husband as he worked to take care of the babies, the house and me. I like this side of him.

My husband had a lot of insight this weekend looking at me in pain. He was commenting on how he has never seen me in this much pain, how I have birthed 3 babies without any drugs, and how as bad as this is that I must be hurting that much more inside. As hollow as it makes me feel to know that he can recognize the pain that I am in it relieves me to know that at least he notices and cares. 

Day 32: Well it's official: this has been the worst month of my life by far. In one way I am glad that it is over but overall I am just incredibly sad that I had to endure this ordeal. What is worse than that though is that this is not over, no where even close to being over, and that only increases my sadness.

I am a sad, sad mess and the inside of me is a raw, dark place but it is not how I want to stay. OK some days I think that is what I want. To stay in this sadness -- it seems easier than working through the pain sometimes, to stay disconnected from my feelings, and to avoid asking anymore hard questions but really I want to move on. To heal and feel happy again. To trust and be vulnerable again. To live and let go again. That is what I really want so...despite the inner struggle going on I have been trying to choose to look at the blessings that are in my life and, as strange as it seems (believe me it is strange to me too), to look for the silver lining in all of this.

I read this from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I have been focusing on this.

The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is an expression of love. "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here."

This is REALLY, really hard to cling to but I am going to read it and reread it until I can almost quote it. I decided weeks ago that I was not going to live with one foot out the door. I am not going to miss out on what we could make of our wounded love waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is much easier said than done and I most certainly struggle with this more often than I am successful at this point but I am determined. I am determined to let this become all that it can be. I am determined to feel loved again. I am determined to be happy again.

I am still grieving the loss of what we once had, what I thought we had and what will never have but I am not going to let that keep me in a dark place. If nothing else, I owe it to myself to find happiness again, beyond that I owe it to my babies and I owe it to my husband who is working hard to repair this hurt after I promised him another chance at our love.

333 days. My husband makes me happy and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Hurting...but not how you think.

Day 29: Another Friday. My mind has not been here today though. Not on the sadness but on the PAIN. I had surgery today to repair a hernia and today I HURT. I have never known this kind of pain and I hope never to again.

This weekend will be about resting and recovering in a different way but at the same time I hope that it helps my heart heal too. I am praying that this weekend gives me a chance to really see my husband in a new light as he takes care of me. I have been the primary caretaker of our family for the entirety of our marriage so this is a new role for both of us. I am excited to see what he has in store to GIVE to me.

I am tired. It's been a long day.

336 days. Looking FORWARD to seeing if I can I lean on him.

I wish...

Day 28: I have so much I want to complain about right now. I am so overwhelmed and so unbelievably sad but today I think despite what I really, REALLY, want to hang onto I am going to force myself to be thankful.

I wish I could express the love that I have for my husband. The unending, undying, most incredible love that I know. There is something really special about the love that I have for him. I honestly love him now more than the day that I married him. It is a stronger longer, a deeper love, a more honest love. I fell in love with him in high school but for 3 long years we were best friends and nothing more. After going our separate ways after high school and then finding each other and reconnecting while we were still many, many miles apart I still felt the spark that I always had and one night he told me that he loved me. The anniversary of that night is coming up soon and I still get butterflies thinking about that conversation. Shortly after that we started a long distance relationship and then decided that we wanted to be near one another so we made it happen. We were engaged soon after and were married that summer. It was an incredible time in our life together.

I wish that I could convince you of the wonderful man that my husband is despite this horrible (I'd go as far as assuming that it was the worst mistake in his life) mistake that he made. He is incredibly intelligent, undeniably funny, and amazingly witty among loads of other terrific qualities and on top of being a great father. I am grateful to have faced many of my own challenges with him by my side. So despite the excruciating pain that he has caused me I still find hope that I can love this man again with all of me.

I wish that I could explain the heart of my little man to you. He is such a joy to me. My little helper. My little side kick. My incredibly sensitive little guy. He provides laughter everyday with his unpredictable ramblings and inquisitive behaviors. He makes me proud as a big brother the way he adores his little sisters. I have been beyond blessed with the gift of my son.

I wish that I could hug you the way that my baby girl hugs. It is the most loving embrace. Full of happiness and joy and warmth. She has  a way of making everything seem right when she wraps her little arms around my neck. I love the compassion that she has and how easily she forgives. I love also that she teaches me everyday how to be more patient. Her independence and strong will are enough to compete with mine and I am a better mom because of her.

I wish I could send you a smile from my newest little one. Those toothless grins are enough to melt your heart. I love looking into the eyes of this little girl of mine and knowing that I can make her happy. I love looking at her sleeping figure and having that sense of peace rush over me. I love the warm breath on my chest when she relaxes, knowing everything is perfect in Mommy's arms. I love the innocence and purity of her love.

I love knowing that I am safe in the arms of my Lord in all of this. I love knowing that HE will carry me through. I love knowing that I can lean on HIM and HE will never let me down.

So despite my sadness and emptiness today I will focus on what I am thankful for.

These are only a few.

337 days.