Day 27: It's getting worse. The pain is all coming back and the worthlessness is creeping in. I feel so unattractive that it hurts. I cannot believe that this is happening. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.
I feel like packing my bags today and leaving this all behind. Problem is that I will take this pain with me. Bigger problem is that I still love my husband and believe that we can make it. I want to make it I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel like me again. I miss the old me. I liked the old me. I don't like the new me.
Someone wise always told me never to love someone more than they loved me and I am afraid that I have gone and done just the opposite. I love someone who loved me when it was convenient and took care of his desires the rest of the time. I feel so foolish BUT...
I feel like I was entitled to love with all of me. To trust blindly. To fall hard. To give him my whole heart. To be vulnerable. To believe his promise to me. To feel safe in his arms. To let him in.
I AM entitled to those things...just don't know if I will ever be able to do them again.
He told me today that he is sorry. Sorry that he wasn't 'here' for the last 6 years. I don't think that he was always 'gone' but I do appreciate his awareness that he missed out on so much. It just breaks my heart to know that I was giving to someone who wasn't even receiving. It hurts to know that while I was here loving him he was out betraying me. It kills me to know that the only person that had all of me broke me.
I believe he can change. I have no choice other than to believe this if I think we can fix this, but I really do believe that he can change. But will he? Will I ever be enough? Will I ever be the only one on his mind? Will I ever be the only one that he looks forward to seeing? I know that I cannot make myself be these things. There is NOTHING that I can do to make him want to want me -- and ONLY me. He did not do this because I am broken. He did not do this because our marriage is broken. He did this because he is broken.
I pray that while he is working hard to help me fix me and while he is working hard to fix himself that somehow I can find some strength to also help him fix himself. I feel like I have nothing to give to him. I feel like for now forgiveness and another chance will have to be enough until I can fix me to some degree. I love him and want to see him love himself.
338 days. I feel emotionally spent right now and severely scatter-brained.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My bubble. My safe place.
Day 26: Well, it seems like anytime I set out to have a good night it I end up crying half the night. Last night he came home and I asked him if he had any other email accounts (don't know why, just something that crossed my mind). He told me about one that he did have and said that it was the one that he used to IM the woman that he worked with (none of this was really new news). I was looking through it and happened upon her in his contacts list. It hurt. It hurt mostly because this was not a work email. This was a personal email that he never uses and the only other contact in it was me. -cries- It really sent me to the dark side. I started asking questions and he started retelling the story to me again but this time he inserted the conversation in which he told her that he wanted to see her naked and have sex with her.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Another part of my heart broke last night. This was not an affair that ended up sexual but it was physical and to know that he wanted more is like a knife in the heart. He told me that it was an emotional affair, with two physical encounters, that took place over a three week period and ended when we found out we were expecting our third baby. Oh...I feel like this will never end.
After finding out that there were more details to that story I made him retell the other stories as well. I wish it weren't so, but I want to know everything. EVERYTHING. It hurts, more than anything ever has, but I just need to know so that I can start putting it behind me. In telling the other stories I also learned that he kissed the first girl (5 years ago) and put his hands all over the many, many woman that he saw only once.
I pray that this is it. That I know everything. I feel like we started over last night. The tiny layer of scab that had formed over this raw wound was peeled back. Oh, the pain.
He also thinks that he may be a sex addict. This is something that I don't know if I am willing to deal with. To start with, I have always been one to think that most addictions are merely excuses for bad habits. Bad behavior with a name to it means to me that you have an "out" if you "cannot" overcome it. LAME! Sorry, but pull up your boot straps and say NO! I have vices, I have things that call my name (nothing quite as damaging) but I don't make room for them in my life. Another problem with this is that if he is in fact a sex addict, I don't know if I have the stamina to stick around for him to get better.
He told me last night that he often fantasizes about having sex with woman that he sees and I cannot put them all into categories but he did confirm when I asked if he meant co-workers. I just don't know how to process this information. There are ways to check up on where he is, has been, is going but I can never know what is in his mind and I fear this could ruin us. I am not willing to let myself not be enough.
I told him about a week ago that when things got hard not to let me run but this doesn't even feel hard. This feels like something that I am just not willing to fight against. It's just not fair.
It's amazing how last night at 10:00 I was feeling hopeful and by midnight I felt less than worthless.
I don't feel special anymore. I feel no different than any of those other women that he chose to be with. Actually, I feel lower than them. He made a commitment to me. When can this nightmare be over? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. Well, I do, but we cannot go back so...
Last night I told him that sometimes I feel worse for spouses who have been married for decades and suddenly are faced with this but I don't know anymore. I feel like I would trade a lifetime of thinking I was happy than having to face a lifetime with this pain.
If I live an average life span I've got about 55 years left. 55 freaking years with a broken heart. 55 years of triggers and tears. 55 years of pain and sorrow. 55 years!
I miss my bubble. My safe place where I knew he wasn't capable of this. My safe place where I was loved and adored and the only one. My safe place where I lived in his heart and in his arms. My safe place where I knew I could fall, and fall hard, and he would always be there to catch me. My safe place where I was vulnerable and innocent and blissful. My safe place where all of my dreams would come true. My safe place where my heart was safe. My safe place. My bubble.
339 days. I have NO idea where I am headed.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Today I Am HOPEFUL
Day 23: Saturday. We had a lovely day. Our little girl turned 2 and we celebrated with family. The day was full of people and little time to think but I did find myself looking around at one point and realizing that no one knows. NO ONE knows and as of right now, no one will ever know. It's not that I cannot handle people knowing it's goes back to what I said last week. There is no one who can help me and therefore there is no reason for anyone to know. That evening when everything settled down, everyone was gone, the babies were in bed and we just had time for us it was a little sad. I was a little sad. I missed my husband while everyone was here. We did not have much time for us and it was hard when I thought about it. I wish we could run off to the middle of nowhere. I've always had that desire but, now more than ever, I wish it could become a reality.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Day 24: Sunday. Yesterday SUCKED! No other way to put it. I wanted to get out of the house and because of a break down in communication and some serious putzing around we never ended up leaving. I ended the evening in tears before my husband left to get a movie for the kids to watch before bed. He came back with the movie, some flowers and a card. It meant a lot to know that he had thought about the day. Once the babies were in bed and we had some time to ourselves I had so much on my mind that I ended up crying my eyes out before we went to bed. UGH. The healing part of the night though was the commitment from my husband to step it up. This last week was hard and I felt like he had lost sight of his promise to help me fix us.
Day 25: Today. Today was a pretty good day. This morning my husband got up and got going like he said he would. THAT was a good feeling. No nagging, no reminding. He read some insightful articles online and began journaling in order to get some feedback from some people who have been down this road already. Later we got out of the house and I spent a little money on some yarn to make a hat for a friend. It is something that I love to do and was happy to go to the craft store and poke around for a few minutes. On our way home from the store out of NO WHERE I just got really sad and started crying. He reached over and held my hand and apologized for making the mistakes that he did that cause this sadness. I really feel like he is in this to fix it even though there is still a LOT of hard work ahead of us.
I mentioned independent counseling for him today and he agreed that he had thought about it. I am not sure how we are going to do it if he needs/wants it but I feel like the sacrifice is worth it if it is going to help him find the root of his problems.
340 days. Today I am hopeful.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Because
Day 22: 3 weeks ago I was sitting here on the computer thinking about starting a blog. A blog about all of the good things in our life. About all of the fun things that we do as a family. All of the excitement that goes on around here on a daily basis. All of the entertainment that comes with having 3 babies that are 3 and under! I was sitting here as content as a clam when he walked in.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
These last 3 weeks have been some of the best and worst of my life. The best because I still have 3 little babies that I love more than anything. The best because I am still absolutely in awe of what God has given me. The best because I have a newborn that sleeps in my arms every night and 2 toddlers who smother me with love and kisses everyday. The best because I still love my husband. The best because he says he's changed.
The worst...well need I explain? Because my life fell apart. Because the fantasy that I was living in came crumbling down around me. Because the man that I thought loved me more than anything took that away from me. Because where my once open and trusting heart was is now a raw, dark place. Because I have had to ask the most horrible questions and hear the most horrible truths. Because I now belong to a club that no one wants to join. Because I have no idea how I am ever going to be ok. Because my life wasn't what I thought it was. Because the man that I love, and always have, betrayed me. Because now everyday is a struggle. Because I have the most unbelievable pain. Because my babies see me cry more than they ever should. Because I feel broken beyond repair. Because I feel like I will never be 'myself' again. Because I am so uncertain of the future. Because I can't make the hurt go away. Because I cannot stop thinking about why he did this to me. Because I cannot stop wishing that I was having a nightmare. Because this is never going away. Because healing from this only means that I will have learned to accept and cope with this. Because accepting and coping with this means that it really happened. Because going to sleep means trying to turn my thoughts off. Because waking up means facing another day of this confusion. Because I know anger is coming and I am afraid of that. Because I'm holding on to the man that may hurt me again.
343 days. Because I still love this man.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Valley
Day 20: Wednesday. I could not get out of my funk yesterday. Not even enough to write more than this: This week has been very overwhelming. I feel like I am not getting enough sleep but as soon as I lay down my head gets overrun by tons of thoughts and questions. I just cannot turn my mind off anymore. I need a break, a day off...no, what I really need if for this to be a nightmare. I need to wake up and know this isn't real.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
I'm in a bad place right now. I listen to the same song over and over and over and just cry.
Day 21: Today was a bit better. I slept better last night than I have in a LONG time. Maybe because my husband and I made love last night. Maybe because I let myself go a bit and let him love me. I don't know but I woke up feeling a bit refreshed. Too bad that was short lived due to a grumpy husband. I don't know if he was totally grumpy or if I was being sensitive, because I KNOW that I am sensitive, but either way there were a handful of moments today that really upset me. I just want him to be patient with me ALL of the time. I know that I am not always patient and it is something that I need to work on, and I know that he cannot be perfect but oh, how it would be nice.
When he got to work and called me to let me know that he was there (part of what I need in this healing process) there was some miscommunication and then some emails that were not coming through and that led me to a mini meltdown. I felt like he was not being understanding today about the situation that he put us in and that hurts. He has been so good for the last 3 weeks. Done just about everything right. Says alot of the right things. Has been open with me and accommodating but the last few days I feel like he is running out of steam. I really want this to work but I know that means that he has to be up to the hard work of helping me heal and I know what a huge project that I am. -sigh- When is this going to get easier? This week feels like it was harder than the last week.
Emotions are running high, sleep is hard to attain, and I feel like we are one misunderstanding away from a really nasty fight. A fight that is going to make me (and maybe him) want to run as fast as I can away from all of this. All of this sadness, all of this pain, all of this hurt. I feel like we are nearing a valley and I wish I knew how to turn us around before we hit the bottom. I just hope that we can get through the next few days without it all blowing up. We have a birthday party for our sweet little girl this weekend and I do not want to ruin it.
With that in mind, this weekend will be full of fake smiles and pretending. Don't get me wrong, my husband still makes me happy, still makes my heart smile, still is the man that I love but it hurts to be around other people still. It hurts to know that I am pushing back emotions that need to be felt. Holding back tears that need to be cried. I want to look people in the eyes when I tell them we are 'good'. I want to feel confident when they ask about our holiday plans. I want to KNOW that this isn't the last birthday that we will celebrate together as a family.
344 days. I want our happy life back.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Note
Written on Day 4.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
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As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
My Love,
I don't know how to figure out how to live with this hurt. I don't know hot to move beyond knowing that I can never be the only one. It is a pain that I know will never go away. It is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is not something that I ever expected and it hurts. I've never known this kind of hurt. This kind of pain.
The part of me that wants to stay is too scared to be hurt again. To relive this all over again. To know that I could have (should have) avoided it. That part of me is the part of me that knows that I'll never stop loving you. That you'll always have a piece of my (now broken) heart.
Staying means though that I have to commit to us all over again. Staying means that in a year if things are still not good that I am still in it for the long haul. Staying means I am committing to forever again. Committing means I have to accept this pain. I have to learn how to live a lie for awhile. I have to trust. I have to believe. I have to hope and love and FEEL! I have to feel this pain everyday for who knows how long. I have to feel this pain every time I realize I am pretending. I have to feel this pain every time I look at another couple and figure that he has probably never been unfaithful to his devoted wife. Feel this pain every time I see a pregnant woman with her husband. A family who is enjoying a day. I have to feel this pain as I do dishes and laundry. Feel this pain everyday as you leave, not knowing what the day holds. Have to feel this pain every night as I wait for you to come home. Every night as I try to turn my thoughts off to go to sleep. Every time you try to hold me, kiss me. LOVE me!
Feel this pain for how long? I don't know. Some of it will ease with time. OK, all of it will ease with time but some of it I will feel forever. It is now just a part of who I am. A part of me no matter what I decide to do.
The part of me that wants to go knows eventually I will be ok. I will move on. I will make a new life. I will learn how to live with this broken heart of mine. I will learn how to live a life I never wanted.
I will learn how to meet the babies' needs in a new way. I will learn how to prioritize my life and time to give them everything that they deserve. I will figure out how to be what they need. I will learn to keep them happy and loved. We will be ok. I will learn how not to be depressed. How to move on for them. How to love again (...maybe). How to trust again? That, I don't know.
There is a part of me that is sad. Another hurt. Another numb. Another angry... resentful... shamed... empty... alone... regretful... scared... unloved... betrayed... shocked... depressed... defiled... Another still in disbelief.
You must remember -- It is crucial.-- that I never stopped loving you. I never wanted this. I never saw this coming. I never knew that this was even a possibility. I never knew our life had the potential to include this.
You have left me with a decision that no one should ever have to make. A decision that I don't know how to make. A decision that, no matter what, doesn't make this pain go away. Doesn't fill this hole in my heart. Doesn't stop these tears.
I never thought this could happen to me. To us. To our kids.
Leaving means our newborn will never really know you. She will never have Mommy the way she should have. She will do all kinds of things for the first time without me there. She will not grow up in my arms. She will not be another Daddy's Little Girl.
Leaving means our baby girl will wonder and ask and cry for you. She will remember this life but not much of it. She will have us in her memory but not able to ever know what she really knew or what she saw in pictures.
Leaving means our little man will cry and act out. He will hurt and ask lots of questions that I won't always have the answers for. He will wonder why? He will try to comfort me. He will know when I am sad. He will talk about you and ask about you. He will miss you and wonder why you are not with us. He will ask to call you and see you. He will break my heart with his sadness.
Leaving means I get to move on. I get to start the process of accepting all of this. Of making it something that does not consume me. I will learn to let it be a part of who I am but not all of who I am. I will learn to live again with a smile on my face.
Leaving means that I am at less of a risk of post partum depression. That I can focus on the babies and the life that I can give them.
Leaving means saying goodbye. Goodbye to my dreams. Goodbye to the life that I wanted. Goodbye to my best friend. Goodbye to the man that I love.
Staying means that I have to believe that you can do this. Staying means that I have believe that I can heal enough to be a wife again. Staying means that I have to trust that you can get better, that you will get better. Staying means believing that you can change...have changed. Staying means trusting you. Trusting that I can have bad days on end without you getting angry, frustrated, impatient. Trust that I can be vulnerable. Trust that you can be who I need. Staying means that I have to trust that you can (and will) stick by me until I heal enough to move on. That you will stick by me until I am strong enough to be myself again, to really trust again. Strong enough to hold back my tears. Trusting you enough to make love again.
Staying means that I have to believe that the babies and I are your top priority. Above all else. Above your needs and wants. Above your habits. Above your impulses. Trusting that we are enough for you. Trusting that you think of us before you make decisions.
Staying means knowing that you are committing to me all over. To us. You are committed to our happiness. To our needs. You are done caring for yourself first. You are committed to accepting me as I am. Accepting our life for what it offers and learning that that is enough.
This is not a note telling you what I am doing. Our marriage means more to me than diminishing it down to a line on a piece of paper.
These are some of my thoughts.
A story without an end.
A love without a purpose right now.
A thought without a meaning.
...?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I wrote this note I thought I was leaving. Leaving for good. I thought I was moving on and picking up the pieces as best as I could. I could not see any happiness in staying. Could not see how I could possibly heal.
I decided later that night before he came home that I was going to stay. That I was going to give this all I had. That he was worth the risk, once again.
346 days. I love this man. I really do.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Results are In.
Day 16: Saturday. Another cold day here in the Midwest but it ended nice and steamy. I really had no idea how long it would take to be passionate, let alone, intimate with my husband again. I was thinking months at least. We went out for the afternoon to buy some warmer house clothes, went to dinner as a family, and then picked up a movie to watch after the babies were all in bed. The movie put me in a terrible mood. It was about a couple who was rediscovering the love and passion of their marriage during a traumatic date night and I just couldn't stop wishing that that is how things could have worked for us. Couldn't stop wishing that my husband would have talked to me. So after mentioning my bad mood a few times to my husband we went to bed with me feeling like he was ignoring how I felt. I finally told him how I was feeling before I went to sleep upset with him and him not knowing until the morning. He said he was just trying to talk about other things to put me in a better mood. Fair enough, I appreciated his efforts, but told him that that is not what I needed. I needed to talk about it. Get it off my chest. So we talked, made up, he kissed me and well ya know what happened after that? The end. No, not really. Ha!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
After a nice talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling we both decided it was best to wait for his test results to come back. He wants our "first time" to be special and I totally agree. I do not want to have something else taken from me and bad tests results would do just that. So once we decided that we were going to wait we got all tangled up and made each other crazy. It was scary to let go. It was scary to feel what I was feeling but it was nice to feel happy in his arms again.
Day 17: Sunday. We went to pick up a few things for our little girl's birthday. Cannot believe how fast time has gone. We spent the day at the mall and found a few perfect little things. After wards we picked up some steaks and headed over to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's house to visit and have dinner. It was nice to see them. It's been a few weeks. We had a nice visit and I only had a few moments where I was alone to my thoughts. Unfortunately those were thoughts of how hurt my SIL would be to know what her brother had done to me and that only solidified my resolve to never tell anyone.
Not only would it hurt her but there would be no good in it for me to tell her. That is how I feel about a lot of our family. There are a few categories that people can be placed into.
*The "I am so sorry for you. Are you ok? What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help. I understand why you stayed." group.
-These people tempt me to tell them. They are the people I feel safe with BUT in the end they can't help me. I am more complex than anyone I know. These people love me and want the best for me but don't have the tools to help me. I will end up trying to help them help me thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people do not need to know.
*The "Oh my goodness! I cannot believe he did this to you (and the babies) and this hurts ME" group.
-These people will need constant reassurance that things are going ok and we are working on our marriage thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not need to know.
*The "I think you're crazy/dumb/foolish/pathetic/desperate for staying" group.
-These people I will have to constantly be explaining myself to and defending my position thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. They do not deserve to know.
and...
*The "It was just an affair. He told you about it. Get over it. Move on with life. It's not the end of the world." group.
-These people will suck life and hope from me. They will make me doubt myself and wonder why I'm not better yet thus taking time and energy away from healing and working on my relationship with my husband. My very first priority. These people also do not deserve to know.
I have some very good and caring people in my life. Some that fall into each group but they cannot help me. It's hard being me sometimes.
Day 18. Today. Today was a blah day. I didn't get much done and never quite got going. I have found a wonderful forum, and though I hate that I am there, and what it represents, I think that it is going to be helpful. I read a LOT on there today. It helps, in a strange way, knowing that other people REALLY know how I feel. Goodness, how I wish NOONE ever had to feel this way though. Noone had to have their heart ripped from their chest only to pick it up and try to piece it back together and put in back where it belongs.
I think I am on a plateau today. I am not overly emotional either way. I don't know if this is part of accepting what has happened or if it is just me still denying it.
On a good note, the results are in and everything came back negative. Praise God. I was so worried about my babies and what it meant for us as individuals, as a family and for our recovery and healing if suddenly we had to also face a disease.
My husband came home with the results in hand and told me and then after we shared a moment of relief together he told me how he couldn't stop thinking about how God punished David for his actions by bringing harm to his family. God said to David, "Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife" 2 Samuel 12:10 It was hard to see him really in anguish over what he could have done to our babies (and me) but also reassuring to know that he cares about us (if only he would have been thinking about us the first time he decided to be selfish). However, God is good and, though He is just, He spared us from this. I am holding onto this happiness.
My husband is on his way home with pumpkin pie and apple cider and I am going to enjoy it (and him) and go to bed. I suppose since I am feeling a bit on the fence with my emotions tonight I will take the opportunity to DECIDE how I am going to feel and in favor of healing I am going to have a good night.
347 days left. Here's to one happy night of many!
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