Catch Up

Day 199: Wow, it's been awhile.

He is on first shift now and life is busy, busy, busy. I don't even know where to squeeze the time in right now.

Things are hard. Really hard. I am more depressed than ever and feeling like I am failing my babies in a big way. We are trying to adjust and I feel like as soon as we do his shift will be changing again (it's in 1-2 month slots for the next 18 months).

I don't know how to process everything these days and so I find myself burying way too much of it.

He is trying. Trying to help himself. Trying to help me. Trying to help us.

He just sent me a love note tonight while I was putting the baby to sleep.

Babe, 

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. 

I want you to know how much I admire you. You are easily the toughest person that I know and I thank God every morning that he created us for each other. 

Things are hard right now... really hard. I see how hard you are trying and yet I know you still feel like you're failing. I know I'm not doing enough. I need to do better. I hope you've seen some kind of improvement over the last couple of days. I need to show you how much I love you. I love you so much but my actions don't always communicate it as well as my words. I just want you to know that I know all of this and I'm going to do better. 

Please don't give up. We will make it through this.  

{Your Husband}

I feel better after reading that but I know that tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with this weight on my heart. I've been battling the feeling lately that I just was not good enough. It's almost more than I can take.

Over the last few weeks so much has happened. The first day on his new shift he was late so he came home with wildflowers in hand, I rearranged our bedroom and hung our printed wedding vows up (never got around to it after we moved here), I bought him tickets to a baseball game and sent him out to enjoy himself with our brother- in- law.

166 days. I am going to try to make time to catch up.

Schedule

Day 188: He's worked four different shifts this week but he'll be on first shift starting next week. Trying to find a new routine around here so that I can get back to blogging.

Party!

Day 183: What a party!

We were up until three am preparing and then up around seven. Wow. It was a huge success though and well worth our efforts. We made it a point to hang out with each other during the party. We always get wrapped up in entertaining and lose the day without seeing much of one another. We did pretty well.

When everyone had left we took the babies in and had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night with them.

Oh, what fun!

Day 184: What a bust.

A few hours after we all woke up I was driving away -- just the babies and me -- to get away from him. It was so far from what I was hoping for the day. I drove about 20 miles before I turned around to come back to get him since talking on the phone convinced me that he was in a better mood.

We went to the toy store to let our little man spend some of his birthday money and proceeded to again get into a fight. After ruining the day for our little people we were home for the day and I pretty much ignored him until they all went to bed. It's so hard not to run away when it hurts so much. I try not to let it get the best of me but it's all I can do when the pain is overwhelming me.

We talked...he says he gets what's hurting me and what he can change. He says it'll change. So far whenever he says that it happens so I'm hopeful.

Day 181:  There's pain in healing.

Day 182: I woke up after having a nightmare that a man had just blown my toes off after shooting me and was now demanding $5400 for my life from my mother and she would not cooperate. He was ready to shoot me as I was pleading with him, in front of my husband and children, to think about my family. The police were there are were going right along with his antics. Wha?!?!

That pleasant mood that I woke up in (<---- can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that?) was quickly replaced with a flood of sadness when I remembered what day it was.

I've been dreading this day. Maybe from the day that I knew I would stay, but if not, from very early on. Today marks six months. Six months of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, brokenness, hurt. Six months of fighting and trying and winning and losing. Six months of living with a broken heart. Today also was the "sobriety" day that we (I) celebrated every year. Every year with cards and praise and a big to do to anyone who would listen. I had such pride. There is so much emptiness in today.

Someday I might be able to move forward and celebrate his new sobriety day but for now it just seems so lost on me.

183 days. Someday (<---- link)

He's Four

Day 181: Wow. My little man is four.

We woke up and had chocolate cheesecake brownies for breakfast. I love breaking the rules for birthdays! He opened his gift from us and played with his sister for awhile. The afternoon we spent playing and building him up, convincing him how much stronger and taller and smarter he is now that he is four! It was such a fun day.

We spent the evening painting and playing outside.

The day was a struggle in so many ways. Looking at my little man growing up is hard enough but with only about 4 hours of sleep it was even harder. My littlest girl was restless last night (which is rare for her) and on top of going to bed late I was laying awake with her for so long last night. So today I ran on fumes. There is so much left to do tomorrow but I think I will be motivated by procrastination.

184 days. So much to say. So little focus and energy.

You Only Have One Life

Day 180:  Four year ago tonight my water broke and I was getting ready to meet our first little one. It was so amazing. I still cannot believe he will be four tomorrow. I wish I could bottle up time.

Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.

It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.

He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.

Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.

185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.

Sluggish

Day 179: Ugh. I'm sleeping in again, a lot.

He tried to get me up three times this morning before I finally rolled out of bed. He came in every time and rubbed my face and shoulders and was so nice about it. He made coffee and unloaded the dishwasher. All of the things that I ask him to do. I am fading right now. Fading back into the misery of all of this.

By the time I woke up we didn't have time to do what we had planned but still he was patient with me.

Tomorrow we have lots to do. It is the last day that our little man will be three. I cannot believe it. Thursday (his birthday!) there will be a small party with just the five of us. He has requested chocolate cheesecake brownies so that is what he will be getting. Saturday will be family and food and lots of fun with a golf theme! I'm excited for him. It's all about him right now and you can see his enthusiasm.

I have to finish up some things tonight but I'm hoping to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can get up in the morning and not be sluggish.

186 days. Maybe it's time for a vitamin D supplement. There's just not enough sunlight yet.

Paperwork

Day 177: I have no idea what happened. I cannot remember still. We fought all day though.

I eventually dragged myself out of the house with him and we took the babies to the park where we had a blast. I really needed some fresh air.

After the park we went to the ice cream stand and all of us had a treat. 

Day 178: We cleaned! He did so much while I putzed around and got some things done as well. He went through most of our paperwork and organized it. It's been far too long.

Every now and then I was looking though some of the things that were on the table. Too much of it made me sad. Old calendars (that I keep for the babies milestones) have sobriety days and "business dinners" and trips back home scattered throughout. I finally had to tell myself to stop looking through.

It all hurts too much. I feel like I am losing my mind (or I am pushing so much away so that i don't have to feel it all).

187 days. When will I be free?

Cleaning

Day 175: Spent most of the day out with some of our favorite people. Picked my husband up from work and we came home and went pretty much went straight to bed to "hang out". My mind was going hundred miles a minute but he took some time to help me calm down and then we made love. I feel so good in his arms.

Day 176: Took the babies out to play at a play center this morning after we made a small grocery trip. We are planning on cleaning this weekend since we have a party next weekend. I cannot believe my little man is going to be four. Where does time go?

I was just holding him today and rocking him in my arms remembering when he used to fit in my lap. Oh, the tears are flowing again. It just goes too quickly.

I feel like my husband and I are doing better but there is still something in the way for me. Probably me. I'm going to do my best this weekend to have a good attitude. It's been pretty terrible lately.

189 days. Deep breath.

His Love

Day 173: What a terrible day.

I woke up the worst mood after having two nightmares that left me feeling like I hadn't slept. I was a huge grouch all day. My poor babies got the short end of the stick and by last night I was just ready to start over.

He was remarkably patient with me despite my foul mood. I can't wait until this is over. What does that even mean? I typed it out and then thought about it. It's never all going to be over. It's never going to go away. So sad. I guess this is the new me and while I hate that I am learning to accept it. I never wanted to accept it and yet here I am knowing that this is what I have to work with now. It kills me.

While so much of me has been put back together there are still more shattered pieces than I can count. I just want to be whole again. I just want to be me again. Not this me. The old me. The happy me.

Day 174: He let me sleep and sleep and sleep. I woke up at nearly eleven o'clock. I hadn't realize quite how tired I was until I woke up feeling refreshed. When he brought the baby back in to me at nine I thought that I would just nurse her and leave her in bed asleep like I normally do. Not until I woke up still next to her did I realize that I had even fallen back asleep.

I had a productive day today and I feel pretty good despite the fact that Mount Laundry has once again peaked. This time on my couch though. I was going to fold it tonight but I holed up in my sewing room to get a few things finished. He said that if I folded he would put it away so I really should get motivated. OYE. If I ever got rich I'd hire a housekeeper. It's the one thing that no matter how hard I try it just does not come naturally.

In other news I got a lovely gift in the mail from a friend today and it made my day. She surprised me with a handmade quilt in my favorite colors and with my favorite flower. It's nice to feel loved -- and I do!

Tomorrow I am keeping the car and the babies and I are going out shopping with a few of our favorite people. It should be fun! I'm excited to get out of routine tomorrow! I wish my husband could come with us. I always miss him more when I'm out without him.

191 days. His Love Will Conquer All (<----)

Forgetting

Day 170: We went grocery shopping.

Ahhhh, why do we do this to ourselves? Go out on a Saturday to the grocery store? We know better and we have time during the week. We had put it off way too long though and it had to be done. It was a mellow day other than that.

We went for a drive at bedtime. It was the first time that we've ever driven past our first apartment. Oh my, it's so small. I remember it feeling so big when we lived there on our own all alone just after we got married. It brought back some happy memories. We were so young and in love. I look back now and realize that things were not as they seemed but I still have a smile in my heart thinking about the time that we spent there.

Life was hard sometimes, marriage came with a learning curve but our love was perfect and untouchable. I'd like to think that it still is.

Day 171: Wow! I woke up with  ton of energy and spent five hours in my sewing room organizing and cleaning. It was well worth it. He helped me finish it and then he moved on to some clutter areas of the house and tackled those. Then we piled in the van and got out of the house. I told him that I felt bad that I had spent such a long time in that room when so many other areas of the house need addressed. He said that he was so happy because that is where a lot of my stress comes from and now that it is efficient I will be more productive...which equals less stress. I love when he sees the positive that I cannot.

While we were out we saw that a local Border's (bookstore) was closing for good and was having a really great sale. We let the babies each pick a book and then found some great reads for people on our Christmas list. They are also selling all of their shelving and accessories and I scored tons of pegboard hooks for five dollars. I don't expect anyone else to be excited about this but the frugal part of me was (and still is) jumping for joy over the amount of money that I saved. Not to mention how much more I can hang in my sewing room. What a great find!

Day 172: We were up late so we slept in and then had to go return some movies. The morning was a bit tense but we muscled through without fighting.

We ate lunch out and then had to go straight home so that he could leave for work. On the way home I was suddenly overcome with sadness. I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am scared that I am, day by day, forgetting who I was before all of this. Forgetting the happy, secure, confident, care-free girl that I was. I'm also afraid that he is going to get over me being like this.

I was sobbing with my face in my hands and telling him all of this. He said that among the things that make me sad and that make me worry that I do not need to add to it the thought of him getting over this. He said that he is never leaving and that I can take my time in getting better. He said that we are working on a new normal and learning a new way to be happy.

193 days. He said that we have forever to figure this out.

He's sick.

Day 169: He's getting sicker and I seemed to have plateaued for now. I hope I don't get any worse.

I'm hoping for a relaxing weekend. We had an opportunity to go out to a company dinner but we don't want to leave the baby. She's at an age where sometimes she only wants Mommy and we're ok with that even if it means missing a night out with adults!

I still love just hanging out with him. Just us, at home, doing nothing. I think I'll focus on pampering him. It's been awhile.

He's amazing.

196 days. Still working on healing.

Springtime

Day 167: He woke up sick and I let him sleep until mid morning. I could tell that he wasn't feeling well.

That was confirmed less than an hour later when he came into the kitchen and told me that he had called off for the day.

Strangely I was feeling quite motivated and by now had already browned some ribs and put them into the slow cooker and was working on stuffed chicken breasts for lunch. Don't really know what got into me but no one was complaining.

I didn't end up getting any sewing done since he was home. We just sat around most of the day until after dinner. He was feeling a bit better and stir crazy so he suggested we go for a drive. I know, I know that's kinda against the rules of calling off but he did lay around most of the day so...

We ended up going to a craft store to let the kids (and me) pick out some things to work on. They got some buttons to practice threading and sewing and I found some lovely fabric to make my girls matching dresses for the summer.

Towards the end of the trip I noticed that he was getting really worn out so we left and went straight home. We put the babies to bed and then sat together and watched a movie. I actually stayed awake for the entire movie, which is the first time in longer than I can remember.

Day 168: Well, it looks like we are all getting sick...again. I am hoping that it is short this time. I am going to go to the Health Food Store tomorrow and pick up some things. I cannot go through what I just went through a few weeks ago. I cannot do it right now.

He was feeling worse today than yesterday but went to work anyways. Not before taking our little man to get a haircut though. His birthday is coming up -- I cannot believe that he is going to be four -- and every year since his second birthday we have cut his hair (yes, that's only three haircuts in his time). He has the most gorgeous curly locks but they are getting long and in his eyes and thick and it was time. This year though he went to the barber and got a little boy cut.

Ahhh, my husband brought him home and I could have cried. It wasn't as shocking this time, and he is still as cute as a bug, but I always miss it. He's is such a handsome little man. I am super sad that I forgot to ask my husband to bring me a lock home so that I could put it in the little box with his other locks though. I can't think about it too much or I'll cry.

I'm not feeling as overwhelmed today but I know that it can change in an instant. I need to break out of this depression...I just don't know how and it's maddening. I don't know how to move forward and start getting better again when I am stuck in this deep place within myself. Springtime cannot come fast enough. Right now it's my only idea -- more sunlight, fresh air and flowers.

197 days. Springtime.

The Stand Mixer Arrived

Day 163: I finally got a new (to me!) washer.

Unless you've been there, you don't know how incredibly tedious it is to have a washer without a working timer and to have to switch the cycle from wash to spin to rinse to spin every 10-4-9-4 minutes. I was so behind on laundry and it's been like this for months. Months! I try not to complain, I mean, I could be hand washing, but it was time to move on. So thanks to my husband and my brother in law I have a new washer installed and I am nearly caught up on washing (folding and putting away will be another story).

This day did not go without resistance though. We tried and tried but we were misfiring. He was not communicating well and I was struggling not to shut down. By late afternoon I had all but given up. He knew it but could not pull himself out of the funk that he as in. After eating dinner we decided to take the babies to play at an indoor play center. What a great idea! They had a blast and played for close to two hours. We left and they quickly fell asleep so we drove around.

We are not looking to put our roots down here (well I'm not for sure) but my husband had told me about this house that is down the road a bit. We found it in the dark and had ourselves a look (from the car). It is set on this huge lot behind a corn field. I was eager to see the cost because it is a foreclosure so as soon as we got home he looked it up. It is out of price range (though not by much if we tried hard enough) but it is on 20 acres of land!!! I've been dreaming ever since.

Do you know what I could do on that much land? Grow most, if not all, of the produce that we would need as a family, get a cow (never lay eyes on it so that we could have it slaughtered at the end of the year), have more than enough play room for the babies, grow enough to sell at farmer's markets and then some. Oh, if only I could move the home and the land and make it within our budget. (Or get ourselves a ticket to paradise and live on the beach!)

Day 164: My baby girl turned six months old. We celebrated with a new toy for her (she's so active these days) and she decided that her first tooth was in order. She's growing up too quickly. We sang her a birthday song and just loved on her while I tried to cement the memories of the day into my heart and mind.

My husband had a hard day. He was feeling crummy and wanted to veg and I wanted to get out. So...I took the baby and my little man and we set out to get some things done. A trip to pick up the toy that I bought, the fabric store, and the grocery store proved to be just enough to completely wear me out. I came home and we made dinner together and then finished the night with a movie.

Day 165: Another restless night for my little girl. I now realize it's that tooth that's disrupting her sleep. Poor thing. I just hold her and rock her and memorize her tiny little features.

I'm still struggling. I'm actually downright miserable right now. I'm so depressed and I've come to know that I don't know how to be depressed. It's not my nature. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when I'm in a good mood. I can't even stand myself.

The only thing really making me happy right now is my babies and I'm failing miserably at being the mama that I want to be to them. I don't want to be in this house anymore but we can't afford to buy our own place and even if we could I don't want to live here. I want to move away. I like it when we lived further from our families. It made things easier. We weren't having to dodge weekend visits so often. Actually we got visits so sporadically that I don't think we ever turned one down. Ah, I miss those days. We did what we wanted. No one knew what we were up to.

Some days I want to just go nuts and tell everyone why I don't want visits from people that don't make me happy. Because I'm a mess trying to survive infidelity and I don't need someone here who adds anymore stress or unhappiness. In the end though I always talk myself down and remember that I really don't want anyone to know. It would only serve as a temporary fix to keep them away.

On top of that, (is any of it even making sense?) my husband finally got his schedule for the eighteen month training program that he just made it into. It's going to make our life harder than it already is. There are shifts of every kind: 9-5, 11-7, overnights, weekends... and they last for a few months at a time. It is not at all what I was expecting and now is making me regret ever being on board with him going for this new position. I can't help but think that it is all for naught. We'll see.

I have a bunch of problems without any solutions. I'm a wreck. He's trying. He's knows that I'm hurting. Goodness, I know that he hurt me, but I don't know how he puts up with me. I can barely put up with me. Somehow he hasn't pushed me over the edge that I am teetering on.

Day 166: My stand mixer arrived today. I'm so excited. It's something that I have wanted for so long and something that I know my husband has wanted to buy me. It's so pretty sitting there on my counter top. He got me a good one.

I had to try it out so...we made a cake. Yep, me and the babies back in the kitchen. It's been too long. We had so much fun watching the machine do all of the work. Round and round and round. Mix, mix, mix. Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste. Yes, I realize that's not balanced but it's how baking is done here! It turned out great.

I'm hoping for a relaxing night. Things have been too tense lately.

199 days. Someday. (<---- that's a link)

Special Weekend

Day 160: He worked until 1am last night and I cannot go to sleep without him. He called me several times from the work line so that I knew that he was there. I'm having a rough time lately but I feel like we are in a good place. Unfortunately him working so late just added to my sleep debt.

We had an unexpected visitor and she and her little girl stayed to play late into the night.

Day 161: My small at home business is exploding right now and I have been using a lot of my free time to catch up. We are also working with a friend to hopefully start up a local non-profit organization soon. This is something that my husband and I have wanted to do for a long time so it's very exciting.

We lost my husband's Grandma 4 years ago today. It was sudden and just weeks before we were due with our first baby. I still miss her. She was amazing. She had so much wisdom. Still missing you, Grandma.

Day 162: I've had a rough week and he knows that. He suggested a mini vacation this weekend. At the very least he promised that it would be special. I am excited to see what he has in store. I'm not sure going out of town will be relaxing but we'll see what comes of it.

He bought a blu ray player and it arrived today so he says he going to stop and get a movie and some ice cream! I've been craving it lately and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I am looking forward to snuggling up on the couch and watching a good movie. Hopefully it's a chick flick and not an action movie but I usually fall asleep before it's over, no matter what movie it is, so I'm not sure why I really care.

I'm judging by how busy I am and the mood that I'm in that life has pushed me into a lull. Hoping to come out of this one peacefully. Maybe Spring will warm things up here soon and lift my spirits.

203 days. Anxiously awaiting sunny days.

Golf

Day 156: On the drive down I was remembering the day after he told me. We had already made plans to go help out down there and I did not want to cancel on them even though I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was in a daze. He asked me if I remember how I felt that day. I do. I felt like I was having a nightmare. All I wanted to do was wake up from it. He asked me if things are better now. They are and they aren't. I am not reduced to tears as easily these days -- though they are always under the surface. I think I understand that this had nothing to do with me and was his problem. I think I feel more loved now than I did right after I found out. Those things, even with the uncertainty that comes with them, make it better. What makes it worse though is that I know I am not having a nightmare. I still have days where I think that I am and wish and pray that I am but for the most part I know this is my reality.

We had a great day visiting our loved ones. We stopped at a few stores and then had dinner.

Day 157: Woke up and had the most delicious pancake breakfast. We spent the morning just hanging out before we packed up to come back home. On the drive home we started talking again.

It started when drove past a golf course and he mentioned how nice it would be to go. Just the mere mention of the sport makes me trigger. Why? Well, because over the years he complained that he had no freedom and while it's true I look back and know now that he was taking it even though I was not giving. I also look back and think that I was unable to give that to him because I was insecure. Not insecure like I am now but I always have felt like I have to make myself his first priority. It's obvious now that something was missing. I have to think that if he had been pouring himself into our marriage it would have been amazing. He says its so easy. So easy to love me like he does now. Goodness, the pain he has makes my heart hurt.

All of those years when he was stealing our time and money. All of those years he was doing what he wanted. Why didn't he go golfing? Now I just cringe at the thought. I have no (read: none, zero, zilch, nada) desire to punish him. I just want time to pass so that it doesn't sting like it does now. I told him that I have an unexplainable amount of anger that is directed at the thought of him golfing but that I am ok with it. It is something that I don't really have to deal with and it takes some of the pressure off. This is something that I feel like I can bury, only talk about once in awhile and it will eventually dissipate. The way I described it to him was like burying something soluble in the earth. Eventually it will seep away. I'm not kidding myself, that's how this feels and I am ok with that.

Day 158: My baby girl is growing and trying crawl and that means she needs more time in my lap while she fights sleep. That means that I can't always do what I have planned but that's ok. She's not going to be little forever and I cherish ever nap that she takes in my arms. I can't believe how big she is getting. It goes by too fast.

Day 159: I have not been getting enough sleep over the past week and it is definitely affecting my mood. I've been a grouch all day long. We barely made it through today without a major outburst. I really need to get some good rest tonight. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow. He deserves for me to be.

206 days. Tired.

Leaving Town

Day 154: Up and down.

I made him find a ride to work yesterday. It was a bad day. He said that he was sorry. I don't think he meant to hurt me but he did. I took the babies out. We played at Chick Fil A, went to the craft store and I cooled off. I went to pick him up. Too bad he was an hour late getting out of work and I had to sit in the parking lot until eleven pm. We talked last night once we got home. Still learning.

Day 155: It's in the sixties here today!

The babies played outside -- I even took the little one out with us after she woke up from her nap. I picked up the house and got a bit of crafting done. We are headed out of town to stay with some loved ones for the weekend. It should be fun.

We're leaving tonight once he gets home from work. It's over an hour drive. We should have a good talk. I still need to finish packing us.

210 days. I love long car rides.

Still Believing

Day 153: Still holding on.

Revisiting some of the songs that I listened to early on.

You said that I would be ok. --  I feel ok somedays. Others I feel like I'm falling apart. Barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating.

My head and heart are still caught up in a storm most days. I need a great love. I need a big love. I need a deep love. I need to know what forever feels like. I need to know that I'm your all. I need to know that I mean everything to you. That you'll be everything that I need. That you'll make everything ok.

You say that you're sorry. You say that you are working on you. You say that I can believe you.

You say that you were wrong. That you learned from your mistakes. That you would change everything. You say that you'll fight. Fight for a second chance. Fight for us.

212 days. I'm still here. I'm still fighting too. I'm still believing is us.

My Birthday

Day 152: It's official. I'm twenty-seven.

I was born at 3:01am on March 15, 1984. I was fifteen days late but my mother let me come on my own time.

Today was a good day. My husband woke me up and said that he was sorry that he let me sleep so long (I've been asking him not to let me sleep all morning) but that he had to get some things ready. I came out and there were sweet, sweet cards that he and the babies made for me. Then I went on a scavenger hunt with clues. At the end I had collected ten letters that I had to unscramble. It read, "Stand Mixer". I'm so excited!!!

After realizing that he didn't actually buy me one but that it was him telling me to find one that I like and to get it (he knows how much I like a good deal and I'll probably be able to find one online) I got to dreaming about what I want. This is such a sweet gift. Something that I've wanted for a long time. I bake a lot and with three little ones this will certainly help!

A little bit later my toddlers ran in to the living room to tell me to "come look". I walked down to hall to see the cutest little birthday cake that my husband got me. An ice cream cake. They sang to me and then we all enjoyed the cake. It was so good.

He left for work after giving me a lovely morning. I love him. He really makes me feel special.

In a little bit we'll watch one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows and then go to bed.

213 days. Getting close to a day of good memories.

Goodbye Twenty-six

Day 149: "Don't go to bed angry." Even in the Bible it says,

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26

Well, we didn't BUT we were up until 4am. OYE. I can't even tell you now what it was about. There wasn't a huge blow up. There wasn't any screaming. There were some tears and eventually we made up enough to go to bed.

He got up early and took all of the babies (yes, all three) out to get donuts. It was sweet. I got up while they were gone and got going without anyone pulling on my clothes while I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. He came back and we worked on getting the house in order so that we could go on our date.

Our date was fabulous. He made reservations at this nice Asian Restaurant in a town just north of us. We got seated at these tables that you had to sit down and put you feet into the floor under the table. It was interesting but very comfortable once you got down there. It worked out great because I just laid a blanket on the "seat" beside me and the baby laid there and played while we ate. We ordered my favorite roll (smoked salmon, cream cheese, cucumbers, and avocado) and their signature roll plus Pad Thai (my favorite Thai dish) and crispy scallops. We ended up bringing a lot of food home! They also brought me out lemon raspberry crumb ice cream for my birthday but refrained from banging on the gong.

After dinner we decided just to come straight back home to hang out with the lovely people who watched our babies for us. They made me a cake while we were gone and had a sweet, sweet card and a lovely gift for me. The guys ended up staying up super late playing the Wii while her and I both passed out on the couch sometime around midnight. It was a lot of fun!

Day 150: Daylight Savings Time worked against us and we didn't have time to get ready for church. We got up and played with the babies and then decided to take them to the Science Museum. We've been talking about it for months but wanted to wait until all of the holidays were over because we wanted to buy a pass. All day long was a struggle for me. I was trying so hard to keep a happy face on but I was triggering like crazy. I don't even know why. Despite the battle that was going on within (and the severe lack of sleep that my husband -- him more so -- and I were facing) we pulled the day off with only a few minor speed bumps.

We came home and made dinner together and ended the evening on a good note. Last night we had a good heart to heart and I told him about something that was nagging at me. I knew it was probably going to hurt but I felt I needed to tell him.

I stopped seeing the chiropractor in December. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I suddenly had an aversion but a few weeks ago it hit me. On my last appointment with him (the chiro) I was having a really, really bad day. I guess he and I had developed enough of a "friendship" because I almost told him about the affairs.

I remember long ago my husband's Grandma (wow, how I miss her dearly) told me never to confide in another man. Never go to another man with my hearthache. Never to lay my head on another man's shoulder and cry -- which I took literally and figuratively. Oh, the foresight that she had. I could have never  guessed then the trials that our marriage would face, the men in my life that would be available for me to confide in (this happened once before with a coworker of mine. I nearly told him about the troubles Kevin and I were facing surrounding his drug habit then) or the havoc it would wreak on my heart thinking back on it all.

So I told my husband last night. Not to hurt him but just to be honest about my feelings. I am proud of myself for not giving up in my weakness. Not allowing myself to justify it. I am proud for giving that to my husband. I am so sad that he was hurt last night though. It just broke my heart. Through my tears I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt. He said that it hurt to know that there was another man who was available to me to confide in and that it especially hurt because he has not always been. I hate that he has this information that could haunt him but I believe that he will use it to push himself further.

I believe that he is showing big signs of healing. I wonder if he feels forgiven these days. I forgive him. I did long ago. I should tell him again. I wonder, though, if he feels forgiven by himself. I can't wait for that day.

Day 151: My birthday is tomorrow. The two month and eighteen day gap will be closed. He will no longer be numerically older than me! Another year. I am feeling it lately. At the ripe old age of twenty-seve (tomorrow) I have more than my fair share of white hair and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. I'm trying to take it in stride but there's no fooling myself that I'm in my early twenties anymore. Ah well.

All I want is a day of good memories to look back on. Not because it is my birthday necessarily but because I will remember it because it is. Makes sense, right? I just want to look back and smile. I don't care if we lay in bed all day with the babies and do nothing but giggle. I just want it to be a good day. I don't want it to be another day tainted with the hurt and sadness. I know that's asking for a lot and putting a lot of pressure on the day. It'd be easier to ask for a fancy gift and an exquisite meal. That could easily be delivered.

214: Goodbye twenty-six.