Day 180: Four year ago tonight my water broke and I was getting ready to meet our first little one. It was so amazing. I still cannot believe he will be four tomorrow. I wish I could bottle up time.
Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.
It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.
He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.
Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.
185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.
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