Catch Up

Day 199: Wow, it's been awhile.

He is on first shift now and life is busy, busy, busy. I don't even know where to squeeze the time in right now.

Things are hard. Really hard. I am more depressed than ever and feeling like I am failing my babies in a big way. We are trying to adjust and I feel like as soon as we do his shift will be changing again (it's in 1-2 month slots for the next 18 months).

I don't know how to process everything these days and so I find myself burying way too much of it.

He is trying. Trying to help himself. Trying to help me. Trying to help us.

He just sent me a love note tonight while I was putting the baby to sleep.

Babe, 

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. 

I want you to know how much I admire you. You are easily the toughest person that I know and I thank God every morning that he created us for each other. 

Things are hard right now... really hard. I see how hard you are trying and yet I know you still feel like you're failing. I know I'm not doing enough. I need to do better. I hope you've seen some kind of improvement over the last couple of days. I need to show you how much I love you. I love you so much but my actions don't always communicate it as well as my words. I just want you to know that I know all of this and I'm going to do better. 

Please don't give up. We will make it through this.  

{Your Husband}

I feel better after reading that but I know that tomorrow is another day and I will wake up with this weight on my heart. I've been battling the feeling lately that I just was not good enough. It's almost more than I can take.

Over the last few weeks so much has happened. The first day on his new shift he was late so he came home with wildflowers in hand, I rearranged our bedroom and hung our printed wedding vows up (never got around to it after we moved here), I bought him tickets to a baseball game and sent him out to enjoy himself with our brother- in- law.

166 days. I am going to try to make time to catch up.

Schedule

Day 188: He's worked four different shifts this week but he'll be on first shift starting next week. Trying to find a new routine around here so that I can get back to blogging.

Party!

Day 183: What a party!

We were up until three am preparing and then up around seven. Wow. It was a huge success though and well worth our efforts. We made it a point to hang out with each other during the party. We always get wrapped up in entertaining and lose the day without seeing much of one another. We did pretty well.

When everyone had left we took the babies in and had dinner and relaxed the rest of the night with them.

Oh, what fun!

Day 184: What a bust.

A few hours after we all woke up I was driving away -- just the babies and me -- to get away from him. It was so far from what I was hoping for the day. I drove about 20 miles before I turned around to come back to get him since talking on the phone convinced me that he was in a better mood.

We went to the toy store to let our little man spend some of his birthday money and proceeded to again get into a fight. After ruining the day for our little people we were home for the day and I pretty much ignored him until they all went to bed. It's so hard not to run away when it hurts so much. I try not to let it get the best of me but it's all I can do when the pain is overwhelming me.

We talked...he says he gets what's hurting me and what he can change. He says it'll change. So far whenever he says that it happens so I'm hopeful.

Day 181:  There's pain in healing.

Day 182: I woke up after having a nightmare that a man had just blown my toes off after shooting me and was now demanding $5400 for my life from my mother and she would not cooperate. He was ready to shoot me as I was pleading with him, in front of my husband and children, to think about my family. The police were there are were going right along with his antics. Wha?!?!

That pleasant mood that I woke up in (<---- can you hear the sarcasm dripping from that?) was quickly replaced with a flood of sadness when I remembered what day it was.

I've been dreading this day. Maybe from the day that I knew I would stay, but if not, from very early on. Today marks six months. Six months of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, brokenness, hurt. Six months of fighting and trying and winning and losing. Six months of living with a broken heart. Today also was the "sobriety" day that we (I) celebrated every year. Every year with cards and praise and a big to do to anyone who would listen. I had such pride. There is so much emptiness in today.

Someday I might be able to move forward and celebrate his new sobriety day but for now it just seems so lost on me.

183 days. Someday (<---- link)

He's Four

Day 181: Wow. My little man is four.

We woke up and had chocolate cheesecake brownies for breakfast. I love breaking the rules for birthdays! He opened his gift from us and played with his sister for awhile. The afternoon we spent playing and building him up, convincing him how much stronger and taller and smarter he is now that he is four! It was such a fun day.

We spent the evening painting and playing outside.

The day was a struggle in so many ways. Looking at my little man growing up is hard enough but with only about 4 hours of sleep it was even harder. My littlest girl was restless last night (which is rare for her) and on top of going to bed late I was laying awake with her for so long last night. So today I ran on fumes. There is so much left to do tomorrow but I think I will be motivated by procrastination.

184 days. So much to say. So little focus and energy.

You Only Have One Life

Day 180:  Four year ago tonight my water broke and I was getting ready to meet our first little one. It was so amazing. I still cannot believe he will be four tomorrow. I wish I could bottle up time.

Last night was terrible. We saw it coming but there was no way around it (as far as I could tell). There were so many tears. So, so, so, so many. More than there have been in weeks, maybe months.

It all started with a hypothetical question -- something quite innocent on his part -- but ended up with us both feeling even more depressed and beaten down.

He's so sorry and I can see that. "You only have one life. ONE. And I've messed both of ours up." I cannot describe the pain that I felt when I heard him say that. I hurt so badly that he hurts. I just want to wrap him up and take all of his pain away. I can't stand to see the sadness on his face from all of this.

Ugh, I can't do this tonight. It's too hard right now.

185 days. With a broken heart...that's still beating.

Sluggish

Day 179: Ugh. I'm sleeping in again, a lot.

He tried to get me up three times this morning before I finally rolled out of bed. He came in every time and rubbed my face and shoulders and was so nice about it. He made coffee and unloaded the dishwasher. All of the things that I ask him to do. I am fading right now. Fading back into the misery of all of this.

By the time I woke up we didn't have time to do what we had planned but still he was patient with me.

Tomorrow we have lots to do. It is the last day that our little man will be three. I cannot believe it. Thursday (his birthday!) there will be a small party with just the five of us. He has requested chocolate cheesecake brownies so that is what he will be getting. Saturday will be family and food and lots of fun with a golf theme! I'm excited for him. It's all about him right now and you can see his enthusiasm.

I have to finish up some things tonight but I'm hoping to go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can get up in the morning and not be sluggish.

186 days. Maybe it's time for a vitamin D supplement. There's just not enough sunlight yet.