Day 107: Saturday we were going to drive 3 hours to go shopping for a new carseat for our little man. That was the plan. However, my husband got this fantastic idea to go to an indoor water park resort for the night. After considering and reconsidering we decided to wait a day and go on Sunday. We spent Saturday gathering groceries and other things to offset some of the cost.
We were out most of the day running errands and just enjoying time out of the house after being cooped up for so long. It was a very pleasant day.
Day 108: We woke up and went to church. We have been planning on going to church for a long time but just finally made the commitment. We tried out a new church and, though it's not the right fit for our family, we really enjoyed ourselves and are so happy that we made the first step at finding a new family to worship with. The message was on tithing but there were still some points that the Pastor made that left me wondering if my husband was thinking about them and how they applied to our life as it is now.
After we left church, we came back home, grabbed the rest of the things that we needed and headed to the water park. We made a small pit stop to drop off the car that we had been borrowing and then continued on our way.
We pulled up to the resort and it was so grand. It is a somewhat local attraction to us but one that I have never visited. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening swimming and playing and really unwinding from life. I felt so happy the whole night.
Once we got the babies settled in -- they conked out pretty easily after a day of swimming -- we snuggled up together, watched a little tv, had a snack and then turned in early. I knew all along that there was going to be some loving going on and I was totally on board. What I did not expect was the intense trigger that was going to come along.
All of the women he paid were met in a hotel room. I knew this but I thought I could overcome it without a meltdown. Wrong. We were all cuddled up together and my mind was going in every direction. I could not relax. My husband was being so loving and finally backed off a bit and said that he didn't know why but he felt like he should tell me that he never got under the covers with any of the women. I can't say that it made it all better -- I mean, he still had sex with them -- but it did comfort me knowing that he recognized that I was not doing well. I cried and he held me and told me that if I just wanted to cuddle that he understood (the way he said this was so heartfelt and sincere). I just let him hold me and melt away my sadness and then we made love.
Day 109: The babies slept in but we still had time to eat breakfast, pack up our things, and play in the water some more before we left to come back home. What a lovely getaway this was for us. I'm so glad that my husband created a beautiful weekend for our family.
Ten years ago today.
Ten years ago I met my husband for the first time.
Ten years ago I fell in love, though I didn't know it.
Ten years ago my breathe caught in my throat when I saw him.
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever had before.
Ten years ago I saw him and felt different than I ever have again.
Ten years ago I met my best friend.
Ten years ago still gives me butterflies to think about.
Ten years ago I gave my heart away.
Ten years ago today was the best day of my life.
I think I have smiled more today than I have in a long time.
256 days. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Van
Day 104: I broke the computer charger but my husband picked one up for me on his way home.
Day 105: Praise the Lord, we found a van. It was a long day but we worked together and got a van for our family. We took the babies out last night to celebrate but didn't go too far because it was snowing. Here's to hoping that this will shake the cabin fever!
Day 106: I woke up with a migraine and my husband aced today. He was so kind and gentle and loving. He told me to sleep in but I ended up getting up anyways because it was not going away. A little bit later he told me to lay down and rest while he took the babies and made lunch. I woke up to the most delicious smelling lunch and my head was feeling so much better.
We had a good week. I had a rough night the other night and was telling my husband that it is harder than ever right now. That I am scared that I will never really be happy again. I was a little shy about telling him (this is a first) because I was afraid that I would scare him into thinking that there is no point in trying when it seems to be getting us nowhere fast but he surprised me. He told me that he is more determined than ever to help me heal. He held me and let me cry and really was a comfort to me.
This weekend I think we are going to try a new church (now that we have a van to get us all there). I am excited and nervous. I think it is just what we need right now, though.
259 days. I love him.
Day 105: Praise the Lord, we found a van. It was a long day but we worked together and got a van for our family. We took the babies out last night to celebrate but didn't go too far because it was snowing. Here's to hoping that this will shake the cabin fever!
Day 106: I woke up with a migraine and my husband aced today. He was so kind and gentle and loving. He told me to sleep in but I ended up getting up anyways because it was not going away. A little bit later he told me to lay down and rest while he took the babies and made lunch. I woke up to the most delicious smelling lunch and my head was feeling so much better.
We had a good week. I had a rough night the other night and was telling my husband that it is harder than ever right now. That I am scared that I will never really be happy again. I was a little shy about telling him (this is a first) because I was afraid that I would scare him into thinking that there is no point in trying when it seems to be getting us nowhere fast but he surprised me. He told me that he is more determined than ever to help me heal. He held me and let me cry and really was a comfort to me.
This weekend I think we are going to try a new church (now that we have a van to get us all there). I am excited and nervous. I think it is just what we need right now, though.
259 days. I love him.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
We're Rich
Day 103: We're rich. Rich in love!
That's something I've been telling my little man since he was...well, little. He says it sporadically now and it just melts my heart. Someday I hope all of my babies feel that way.
I've always been rich...in love. I think it is the best (and only) way to live a happy life. I could leave it all behind as long as I had my husband and my little people with me. They are life. They are what makes it what it is. Everything else is just stuff.
Sometimes I ponder what life would be like if we all just loved a little more. Wouldn't it be a better place? I sure think so. Wouldn't life be better if we stopped to think about others more often and ourselves a little less. I think love is the only thing worth living for. The only thing worth stopping for. The only thing that keeps us going. Without love there is nothing.
God loves us so much that He gave His only Son to die for us. As a youngster when I was saved I never quite understood the significance of that. Now, as a mother, it brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO much. SO much that He gave His ONLY Son?!?! Think about that. His ONLY Son. The piece of His heart that nothing else can fill.
I love my babies so much. More than I could ever put into words.
That's something I've been telling my little man since he was...well, little. He says it sporadically now and it just melts my heart. Someday I hope all of my babies feel that way.
I've always been rich...in love. I think it is the best (and only) way to live a happy life. I could leave it all behind as long as I had my husband and my little people with me. They are life. They are what makes it what it is. Everything else is just stuff.
Sometimes I ponder what life would be like if we all just loved a little more. Wouldn't it be a better place? I sure think so. Wouldn't life be better if we stopped to think about others more often and ourselves a little less. I think love is the only thing worth living for. The only thing worth stopping for. The only thing that keeps us going. Without love there is nothing.
God loves us so much that He gave His only Son to die for us. As a youngster when I was saved I never quite understood the significance of that. Now, as a mother, it brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO much. SO much that He gave His ONLY Son?!?! Think about that. His ONLY Son. The piece of His heart that nothing else can fill.
I love my babies so much. More than I could ever put into words.
No one else will ever know the strength
of my LOVE for you. After all, you're the
only one who knows what my heart
sounds like from the inside.
Love. I need more. We all need more. We all need to give more.
Things have been a little rough lately. I pray though that my husband feels loved. He is. More than he'll ever know. No one will ever love him the way that I do. No one will ever love him for who he is like I do. No one will ever love him for all of his triumphs and failures. No one will ever love him as much as the Lord created me to. No one will ever love him for growing up together. No one will ever love him for learning life together. No one will ever love him for standing strong together. No one will ever love him for becoming parents together. No one will ever love him for promising forever to one another. He is loved. He will always be loved.
262 days. LOVE.
Monday, January 24, 2011
On the Mend
Day 99: Thursday night (after having already been sick for almost 3 whole days) it hit me really hard. I couldn't keep any food or drink in me. I woke up Friday morning and it was more of the same. I tried drinking some water but not even that would stay in my stomach. Oh my. I have not been that sick in a long time.
By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.
Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.
We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.
Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.
It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.
I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.
Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.
The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.
*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.
263 days. On the mend.
By Friday evening I had lost 6 pounds in the previous two days but I was able to hold in some Miso soup. Praise the Lord for that suggestion from my friend. I ate a few small servings of that throughout the afternoon and evening and just tried to take it as easy as possible.
Day 100: He told me the night before to sleep in and he would take care of the babies. And so...I did. I slept (off and on) until 11:30. It felt really good. I woke up feeling much better but very weak from the four days before. I had hardly eaten and now had lost seven pounds -- my husband informed me that there are better ways to lose weight...HA! By now though, I was going crazy so against my better judgment I got up and started cleaning the mess that had become of my house. I did overdo it a bit I didn't overdo it to the point of getting sick again, but it put me in a better mood.
We arranged for some family to come over and watch the babies so that we could go out and look at a van. We are trying so desperately to find something inexpensive but reliable so that we can still have plenty of money to move to Hawaii. The endeavor has been nothing short of challenging, stressful, and at times hopeless. So we took the littlest baby with us to look at what turned out to be a lemon. Boo. It was a long -- cold -- day but we came home and made dinner for our family guests and then spent the evening playing cards, chatting, and laughing our heads off.
Day 101: The nightmares are back and they are BAD. I had the worst one so far and it was with me all day. When I told my husband that I had a nightmare and he asked me what it was about I could not even make myself say it out loud. We both agreed that we need to pray every night for peaceful sleep.
It was a lazy but productive day. I folded and he put away Mount Laundry. I tackled some other things that really needed attention and he spent some of the day looking at vans that both turned out to be duds. Ugh, I hate car shopping. We ended the night watching a movie with the kids and then we watched a few things and went to bed too.
I mentioned to him that lately (and not just while I was sick) I feel like he has been less affectionate to me. He said that it is hard to feel rejected and I have not been very receptive lately so he was keeping some distance. I told him that I have suffered the ultimate rejection (though typing that now I realize that's not true because he didn't walk away on the arm of another woman but...) and that I am still here trying. I still put my heart on the line despite the hurt I feel. He also said that he didn't feel like I wanted him close. I explained to him that when I am down and feeling insecure that is, more than ever, when I need to feel like he cares about me and wants me. I think before I was even finished telling him what I had to say he had already gotten it. It had already clicked. I really hope now that I am over this stomach bug that we can resume our normal routine and that things will start looking up again.
Day 102: A lazy Monday. I caught up on some overdo orders this morning with help from my husband cutting and labeling packages for me. It was such a sweet gesture when he walked to the other end of the house to help without me asking him. I still have a lot of work to catch up on but...one day at a time, right? A girl can only do so much.
The last week went by in a haze. I am feeling much better though and I have a lot of hope that things are going to take a turn for the better. My posts are lacking but I wanted to document a few things that I do remember from the last several days, though I cannot remember exactly when they happened.
*We were all (all five of us) laying in bed one morning and I said, "This is nice." He responded by saying, "This is what it's all about." I agree with him.
*I was woken up almost every morning in the last week with a foot rub.
*My husband was really, really patient with the babies while I was sick and even more patient with me.
*I got upset a few times this weekend. Once he said, "I know you are upset and I don't know what to do but I am trying to react correctly." (Wow.) Another time he said, "I am reacting just like I did before and I can't do that anymore." (Another wow.) There were a few other things that he said that were as equally as hopeful that he is really working hard to overcome this hurdle.
263 days. On the mend.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Crochet
Day 97: I was down all day with what seems to be the flu. My husband was really sweet and got me all set up on the couch before he left for work. Got the heating pad and a big blanket and then got the kids a video to watch on the computer. He then came home at bedtime and got them ready, tucked in and to sleep. I promptly fell asleep after he left to go back to work.
Day 98: Still sick and he's getting it too.
I was crocheting today and as I was working through the stitches I couldn't help but feel like it was similar to our marriage. This is the first single crochet project that I've done in awhile and it takes a long time for them to amount to much. But stitch by stitch I keep going and within a few days from now it will be a fun little purse for a sweet little girl.
The other night I was eighteen rows into the project and I noticed a mistake in row four. After gathering myself I started pulling out the stitches so that I could fix the error. It was painful but necessary. Eight rows later (again) I realized that when I pulled it out I did not pull out row four so off again I went to ripping. This time it took the drive out of me and I had to lay it down for a few days.
It reminds me so much of our marriage though. Sometimes you have to go back and fix things because they are not going to go away. Sometimes you think you fix it only to realize that it's still there. And then there are those refreshing times when you pick it back up and realize that there is more there than you remembered. The former are hard to handle sometimes but rewarding when you look back and see that it is done properly and the latter...well, those are the times that give me a boost in my motivation.
267 days. One stitch at a time.
Day 98: Still sick and he's getting it too.
I was crocheting today and as I was working through the stitches I couldn't help but feel like it was similar to our marriage. This is the first single crochet project that I've done in awhile and it takes a long time for them to amount to much. But stitch by stitch I keep going and within a few days from now it will be a fun little purse for a sweet little girl.
The other night I was eighteen rows into the project and I noticed a mistake in row four. After gathering myself I started pulling out the stitches so that I could fix the error. It was painful but necessary. Eight rows later (again) I realized that when I pulled it out I did not pull out row four so off again I went to ripping. This time it took the drive out of me and I had to lay it down for a few days.
It reminds me so much of our marriage though. Sometimes you have to go back and fix things because they are not going to go away. Sometimes you think you fix it only to realize that it's still there. And then there are those refreshing times when you pick it back up and realize that there is more there than you remembered. The former are hard to handle sometimes but rewarding when you look back and see that it is done properly and the latter...well, those are the times that give me a boost in my motivation.
267 days. One stitch at a time.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Mount Laundry
Day 96: I'm getting sick...again. I have been feeling, for the last week or so, like my body is starting to feel the effects of all of this stress. My naturally clear skin is terribly blemished right now (but who knows, that could be from my hormones starting to level back out). My head is aching. I can feel that my blood pressure has been high. I'm sure my immune system is fighting harder these days. I need to at least start taking some echinacea to give it a boost.
My little man was praying tonight and he asked Jesus to "please help all of my family stay healthy". I believe God will answer his prayer.
My bedroom looks like Mount Laundry and I am avoiding it. Maybe tomorrow...
269 days. So tired tonight.
My little man was praying tonight and he asked Jesus to "please help all of my family stay healthy". I believe God will answer his prayer.
My bedroom looks like Mount Laundry and I am avoiding it. Maybe tomorrow...
269 days. So tired tonight.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A Miracle
Day 93: It's all been a blur. I woke up quite numb on Saturday from having been set into panic mode on Friday. I left to run some errands -- the insurance company finally sent the check for our totaled van -- and when I came home my husband had to leave for a massage appointment. (Yes, he got a massage for his birthday and I encouraged it. Mine is scheduled for Thursday!) While he was gone I checked my email and I found this response from him having read my blog post from the night before.
To know that I have done this to you is a pain like no other. It's like knowing that you literally stuck a knife in your best friend's back. Except you ARE my Best Friend and I HAVE stuck a knife in your back. The pain that you are in and the emotional turmoil is so undeserved by you and so unfair. There are literally only a few things I wouldn't give up to take it all away from you or even to trade you places.
You said I'm bending over backwards and you're still empty. I can bend further. And if still doesn't help, I'll keep bending.
I know it's easy to think that I'm motivated by guilt. And to a very small extent, that is true. But 99% of my motivation comes from the fact that my eyes have been opened to what I have had all along: something that most men spend their whole lives seeking. You are a beautiful, loving, devoted, God loving, beautiful (yes you look so good, I'm mentioning it twice) wife and you are the most incredible mother that I've ever seen. I want to be the dedicated, thoughtful, adoring, God-fearing, handsome husband that you deserve.
That is my motivation. I am an opportunist. I see an opportunity for something spectacular in our marriage. An opportunity that was there all along. One that I did SO MUCH to lose yet, somehow, by the grace of God still exists.
Dear God: Thank you for your mercy and grace for such an undeserving son. I do not need any more chances. I will make the most out of this one and I will accomplish the important work that you obviously have planned for me. I love You. Amen.
Day 94: I fell asleep in the middle of a heated discussion. (I rarely do this and get on my husband when he does it.) I felt really bad when I woke up. We were both in bad moods from the night before and needed to finish talking about what we had been discussing. That did not go well. At all. UGH!
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
I ended up yelling again and used a curse word (I don't curse). I hate it. I hate that this has made me compromise my standards. I feel terribly guilty for allowing myself to get that upset. I tried to walk away but I was too tired to leave the bed and so I just laid back down and it got worse after that.
I think something finally took hold for my husband though. Ya know, he does everything (or darn near) right when it comes to me being sad, scared, insecure, blase, mopey...but the minute I get angry and he just still does not handle it right. I thought last weekend he got it but I guess I was mistaken.
When things finally calmed down, he came to me and apologized and assured me that he knows what he has to do. I suppose we'll see.
The rest of the day was ok. I was still feeling pretty beat up from the last 36 hours. Up and down. Up and down. I felt all day like I was losing hope.
I know I want it. I am fighting for it. I am fighting for it when all I want to do is give up. I am not going to quit until we fix it or he gives up his fight and I pray that he does not give up his fight.
Day 95: My husband was gentle with me today. This morning he let me sleep in while he took care of all of the babies. It was a step in the right direction of feeling recovered from the emotional assault of the past few days. This weekend was, I think it's safe to say, our roughest yet. Here I was busy getting stronger (or so I thought) while this roller coaster was gearing up to take me on a ride that I could not have anticipated. It definitely left me bruised. If, somehow, I can get myself through the next few days without a major meltdown I think it will be a miracle, and so, that is what I am praying for.
270 days. A miracle for myself. A miracle for my marriage.
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