Day 119: I finally went for my massage this morning. It was long overdue.
As I was laying on the table I was praying. Praying that the release of stress would help me come home and be a better mother and wife. Praying that this was just what I needed to let go of some of it. Praying that God would use today as a turning point.
I can't say that I noticed any immediate answers to my prayers but I am still hopeful and my back sure does feel better.
I'm in a lull again which to me only means one thing...the storm is coming. I'm wondering how we will get through this one. Hopefully we have really learned some things from the last ones.
I suppose it means one other thing, as well. I can't find much to write about.
Day 246: The Calm.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Trust
Day 117: I took my husband to work and then the babies and I went to hang out with a loved one. We spent the evening there. It was loads of fun and a nice break from our everyday schedule. I went and picked him back up and we got home really late and spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a show.
Day 118: There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.
One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?
247 days. Can I trust him?
Day 118: There is a battle within. It's like I can feel it. There's a part of me hanging on and a part of me trying to let go. It's scary. I know what to do (let go) but I can't. I am too afraid that letting go of the pain will hurt. It doesn't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Why can't I let go? I have already made it through the worst pain I've ever known and I know this won't hurt nearly as bad. Is it because I am still afraid to trust him? (Ah, we had this conversation.) I am. I am afraid to trust him because I have to trust only in him.
One of my huge insecurities now is being able to trust myself. I never knew it was going on and, still, I look back and don't see it. How could I be so wrong? How could I be so sure of what we had when it was all falling apart in my hands? How could I be so blind? And...how can I trust myself to recognize it now?
247 days. Can I trust him?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Choosing Hope
Day 114: Ahhh. I'm so tired lately I barely remember the days. Saturday we got off to a rocky start but we managed to pull it together and get some things accomplished. I had to go to the craft store to pick up some yarn and then we went to the hardware store and picked up a bunch of supplies to redo my sewing room. We got home late and had dinner as a family and then had a movie night with the babies.
After the babies went to bed things went south in a hurry and it ended in a lot of tears. I was trying to get him to understand something that I was saying and not until I started crying did he seem to even care to comfort me. Then suddenly he got really upset and told me to hit him but was also trying to hug me. I flipped out, yelled at him and told him not to touch me. He was really confusing me and something inside me was really scared of letting him in. He tried again to hug me and I screamed --really screamed-- at him not to touch me and then I jumped up and went to the other couch.
He came over and we talked for a long time. We've always made it a point not to go to bed angry. This night was no different.
Day 115: We woke without enough time to get ready for church since we were up so late.
He helped me all day in my sewing room. Moving things, framing and hanging pegboard, moving things again, moving all of my fabric (there is a lot of fabric). It was refreshing to work together so well. By mid afternoon we were beat. The sewing room was trashed but the boards were hung and the cabinet was moved and anchored to the wall. We got the babies ready to go over to watch the Super Bowl Game with some family! The evening was fun. With some help, I cooked several dozens of hot wings and there were lots of other goodies to munch on. We all ate and enjoyed watching the Steelers lose (please don't stop reading my blog if you are a Steelers fan, it's nothing personal).
We came home really late and crashed.
Day 116: Choosing hope.
When there is no human reason to hope then is the greatest time to find hope in Our Lord. He is the what gets us through when all seems lost. When everything seems ruined and over and there is no reason left to hope He is still there. He is still holding our hand, carrying our heart, wiping our tears.
249 days. Today I choose hope.
After the babies went to bed things went south in a hurry and it ended in a lot of tears. I was trying to get him to understand something that I was saying and not until I started crying did he seem to even care to comfort me. Then suddenly he got really upset and told me to hit him but was also trying to hug me. I flipped out, yelled at him and told him not to touch me. He was really confusing me and something inside me was really scared of letting him in. He tried again to hug me and I screamed --really screamed-- at him not to touch me and then I jumped up and went to the other couch.
He came over and we talked for a long time. We've always made it a point not to go to bed angry. This night was no different.
Day 115: We woke without enough time to get ready for church since we were up so late.
He helped me all day in my sewing room. Moving things, framing and hanging pegboard, moving things again, moving all of my fabric (there is a lot of fabric). It was refreshing to work together so well. By mid afternoon we were beat. The sewing room was trashed but the boards were hung and the cabinet was moved and anchored to the wall. We got the babies ready to go over to watch the Super Bowl Game with some family! The evening was fun. With some help, I cooked several dozens of hot wings and there were lots of other goodies to munch on. We all ate and enjoyed watching the Steelers lose (please don't stop reading my blog if you are a Steelers fan, it's nothing personal).
We came home really late and crashed.
Day 116: Choosing hope.
When there is no human reason to hope then is the greatest time to find hope in Our Lord. He is the what gets us through when all seems lost. When everything seems ruined and over and there is no reason left to hope He is still there. He is still holding our hand, carrying our heart, wiping our tears.
249 days. Today I choose hope.
Friday, February 4, 2011
His Gift
Day 113: I logged onto the computer after putting the babies to bed and found this:
252 days. I feel blessed today.
My world revolves around this gift that God has graciously bestowed upon me. The sun rises and sets with this responsibility that He has entrusted me with. I have made mistakes. Bad ones. But I have been given another chance and I can't let my regret and sadness hinder me. I have a mission to accomplish. A woman to love. A family to raise. Thank You God for Your unbelievable grace. Thank you, [Babe], for your unbelievable faith in me. I love you.
252 days. I feel blessed today.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
It Goes By So Fast
Day 112: What a mess. We are working through it but it is nothing short of a mess.
I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.
I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.
It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.
Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.
I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them
I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.
I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.
253 days. Still learning to let go.
I have been feeling lately that life is back to where it was before I knew all of this. Back to the routine and rut that it was in. (I mean rut in a good way.) We are coming and going and ebbing and flowing like we used to. Life is life again but now I have this burden strapped to my back that weighs me down.
I have been sleeping in more and more lately. I hate it. I know I am missing out and my babies are not going to be small forever. I am so afraid to miss out (did I already blog about this?). I am so afraid to look back in a year and realize that my babies are another year older (especially my newborn -- who is now four months old) and I missed it. Oh my, the pain in thinking that.
It feels like she was just born, it feels like she was just days old, it feels like she was 18 days old in my arms when he came home and broke my heart. It feels like that was all yesterday but, you know what, she rolled over today. I wish I could pause her. My little man is getting close to turning four and my little two year old girl is growing up so much. Becoming so independent and out spoken. It just goes by too fast.
Life goes by so fast. I keep waiting for something to change. I keep waiting for that feeling that everything is ok. That we are going to make it...for sure. That we are healed. That we are beyond this. Sometimes I think that will never come. That no matter what we fix and how much time passes that this will always be a monkey on my back. Goodness, I hope not.
I want my babies to have a happy mommy. I want to be what they need -- all of the time. I want to be whole for them
I want my husband to have a happy wife. I want to be what he needs -- all of the time. I want to be whole for him.
I want to be happy. I want be what I need to be -- all of the time. I want to be whole for me.
253 days. Still learning to let go.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
*Will I Be Loved?*
Day 111:
Written on Day 111 (2.2.11)
-------------------------------------------------------
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
This hurt is overwhelming.
This hurt is taking over.
This hurt is all I know now
That my world is ripped in two.
The room is getting smaller.
The voices sound so faint.
It's all closing in on me.
How do I escape?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know if I can make it.
I want this to be over.
I want the wound to heal.
Does anyone hear my cry?
Can anyone see my tears?
Am I going to survive this?
Lord, are you there?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
One step at a time now.
I just keep pressing on
Though I'm lost on my way.
I'm fighting as I go.
He holds me when I cry.
He wipes away my tears.
He says that he's sorry.
He says he'll be here.
When all is said and done
My heart will still be his.
I know I'll be stronger.
I don't care if I'm wiser.
But, will I be loved?
254 days. I just want to be loved.
Written on Day 111 (2.2.11)
-------------------------------------------------------
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
This hurt is overwhelming.
This hurt is taking over.
This hurt is all I know now
That my world is ripped in two.
The room is getting smaller.
The voices sound so faint.
It's all closing in on me.
How do I escape?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know if I can make it.
I want this to be over.
I want the wound to heal.
Does anyone hear my cry?
Can anyone see my tears?
Am I going to survive this?
Lord, are you there?
When all is said and done
Where will my heart be?
Will I be stronger?
Will I be wiser?
Will I be loved?
One step at a time now.
I just keep pressing on
Though I'm lost on my way.
I'm fighting as I go.
He holds me when I cry.
He wipes away my tears.
He says that he's sorry.
He says he'll be here.
When all is said and done
My heart will still be his.
I know I'll be stronger.
I don't care if I'm wiser.
But, will I be loved?
254 days. I just want to be loved.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Another Note
Day 110:
Written on day 104 (1.26.11).
-------------------------------------------------------------
My Love,
I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.
Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.
I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.
This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.
I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.
I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.
I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.
I love you,
Me
255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.
Written on day 104 (1.26.11).
-------------------------------------------------------------
My Love,
I rarely find time these days to think, let alone write.
Life is hard right now. Emotional highs have died down and real life is here staring us in the face. Part of me wants to back down. Surrender and give in to the pain and hopelessness. Part of me feels like there's no chance at ever making this work again, but who am I kidding...it never was working. Our marriage was broken long before I ever knew. Our marriage has always been broken. It's such a sad reality for me to face. The idea that I was pouring myself into something that had no life.
I think back to the times when I would tell you that I had nothing left to give...think back and my heart breaks at knowing that it was so very true. Everything that I was giving was falling on infertile ground. You could not (would not) receive what I was giving and yet you were asking for more of me.
This wound of mine is so deep and so real, and so very infected right now. It hurts now more than it did three months ago. It hurts more knowing how far there is to go. It hurts knowing that this is reality. It hurts knowing that you rejected me. It hurts knowing that I was not enough. That you wanted (and had) other things. That you threw it all away. Gave it all up the first time you ever decided that you would have something else. Gave it all up over and over and over and over and over and over again. Over and over and over.
I try to let it go. I try to move forward, yet there it is. Always. It lurks in the shadows, it haunts me in my sleep. It finds its way into my most sacred thoughts. It ruins good days and keeps away happy moments. It's overwhelming and I'm not sure you realize to what extent.
I'm sorry that I have bad days on end. I'm sorry sometimes I can't manage a giggle or a smile. I'm sorry that the things that used to make me laugh only make me sad or angry now. I'm sorry that now you are here and trying I am off somewhere in my head living a different life. Lost with all of this hurt and anguish. Lost in my own misery. Lost with no direction on how to get back. I'm sorry I'm not the wife that you once knew. I'm sorry that in her place is a sad, lonely, depressed, anxious mess of a wife. I'm sorry that I have very little (if anything) to offer and I'm even more sorry that I cannot tell you when I will have anything more. I'm sorry that I have no place left to internalize my thoughts and feelings yet at the same time I hold back because I'm unable to express what I really feel. I'm sorry things that should be important don't even matter to me. I'm sorry that I'm not coping well with life right now.
I'm still hanging on though, as tough as it may be. I'm still fighting though I'm weak.
I love you,
Me
255 days. He told me that I have no reason to be sorry and that he is determined to fight harder than ever now. He told me that everything that fell onto infertile ground is still there and that the ground is fertile now. That it was not for nothing. It was a good night of healing.
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